Our dating had been quick and had shown neither of us the true self of the other. I had married a charming, funny, charismatic, outgoing and entertaining man. That's all I really knew. Neither of us had a job when we got engaged. I was the only one with a vehicle. A two door sports car with one side of the front end smashed, still on my parents' insurance. I guess we both just assumed everything would work itself out.
God knows what he is doing, for sure! He put a stop to my drinking in a hurry. He knows me. He knows me far better than I know myself. He knew the moment I found out there was a child inside me, I would do anything for it. I stopped drinking. I wouldn't even drink caffeine or take Tylenol! I knew immediately that the year I'd spent acting like some other person was over. It was like a switch. All of the sudden I was a Mom. It is different for men, though. They don't have a little person growing inside them. It is not as real as it is for us. So, as I instantly morphed into Mommy, the gap between my husband and I immediately started growing, as did my expectations for him to suddenly become another person as well.
Each of us had our own expectations of what a marriage should be like, however we never discussed these expectations with each other. We really didn't discuss much of anything. We just assumed the other one realized our feelings and shared our expectations. As naive and ridiculous as it sounds, I assumed everyone's marriage was pretty close to my parent's. And, I think he assumed the same about his. So many assumptions!
Instead of growing closer together in the months to come, we just grew further and further apart. I had moved away from all of my friends and felt very alone in this new, bewildering role I had found myself in. I always knew I eventually wanted to get married and have children, but I hadn't put a lot of thought in to it. Some girls I knew had been planning their weddings since birth and had very solid ideas about the way they wanted to keep house and dress their children, etc, etc. I just hadn't given the details much thought. And, now, suddenly, I was a mother-to-be and a wife. The mother part came so very naturally to be. The wife part just did not! Honestly, I missed my roommates and my life back in the college town I had come from.
A never ending cycle of hurt and resentment ensued. I was not very good at being organized and keeping up with the house and laundry. He was not very good at being emotionally intimate. It was hard for him to let anyone in and be vulnerable, open or affectionate. We didn't talk about things, and slowly, the walls came up between us. He expected me to do things the way his mother did and I expected to be treated like I had by my father and ex-boyfriends. Now, that I am older and wiser, I can look back and see the immaturity on both our parts. His love language was not the same as mine. I express my love through touch. His love is expressed through acts of service. Things like keeping the house clean and doing laundry. It never occurred to either of us how we were hurting the other. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
The lack of communication between us meant the arguments were few, but the arguments we did have were usually monumental! And, usually ended with me walking out. Running back home to my Mommy and Daddy. But, other times, we had a lot of fun! As I said before, he is a very fun person! And, I grew to love his family so much. They took me in and treated me as if I had just always been a part of their family. The good times we had were very good and enough to make us stick it out for a while.
Our beautiful daughter was also enough. I can't say for sure that either of us really loved the other like we should have. Honestly, how could we? As little as we really knew about one another before jumping in to a "lifelong" commitment. But, we both loved her. And, the minute she was born, I filled all my empty spaces inside my heart with her!! There wasn't much left for him. Looking back, I now realize it had to be hard for him to deal with the jealousy he had to have felt over my infatuation with her, and then, the guilt over being jealous of his own daughter. But, I've come to realize that is a very common feeling for new dads. And, I had NEVER been so in love in my life! Instantly, I became a mom and it was everything to me. But, as I said before, the ache remained, regardless...
(to be cont)
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