My God of Second Chances (Part 1)

THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WANTING TO WRITE FOR SOME TIME.  IT IS NOT EASY, THOUGH, TO PUT IT OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE TO READ.  MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT IT HELPS SOMEONE ELSE GET THROUGH THEIR OWN STRUGGLES.  HERE GOES:   

      I lay there in bed, next to my husband, and I felt so alone.  My body literally ached for someone's arms around it.  He was sound asleep.  He knew nothing of my tears and yet I blamed him for them.  How could he be so cold?  How could he not see the way I was hurting?  How could he never wrap his arms around me?  Never hold me?  Never hold my hand or cuddle up with me on the couch?  How in the world was I supposed to live through this aching emptiness I felt all over me?  I thought about the next day.  I would feel better in the morning.

     In the day time, I poured my every affection in to my little daughter.  She had become my world now and everything was about her.  I counted down the seconds at work so that I could go get her and take her home.  I left things around the house undone so that I could spend time playing with her and making sure that she was paid attention to at all times.  I spent enormous amounts of time giving her baths and getting her ready for bed.  I let her stay up too late so that I could be with her.  And, oh, the joy I felt in taking care of this little being!!  She was everything!

     And, yet... the ache remained.  And, that, I maintained, was his fault.  It was his fault for being so cold and distant.  It was his fault for not meeting my needs.  And, that was the mindset of one 20 year old wife and mother...

     Let's backtrack some.  In High School I was not necessarily the girl that all the guys wanted to date.  I was pretty enough.  I had a decent personality, pretty smart... I was a little on the shy side and definitely a lot on the "good" side.  I was probably more the type of girl that guys wanted to "end up with."  Later.  After they had sown the wild oats and gotten some things out of their system.  Not to say that I was an angel.  But, those things that weren't so good about me, most people knew nothing about.  I made sure of that.  And, of course, I dated.  But, I was not one to "go all the way" and I'm sure that tended to get boring for the boys that were after that.  But, I still got plenty of attention from the opposite sex.  I pretty much always had.

     I got plenty of attention from my dad, too.  (And my mom, but for the purposes of this story, we'll just discuss my father.)  He was quite doting and very affectionate.  He never believed anyone was good enough for me and could not stand to see me upset.   He would try to be mad at me, but as soon as I started to cry (not that I did it on purpose, I just cry VERY easily), he would cave and hold me and soften and tell me how everything would be alright.

     That is exactly what happened the night I told him I was pregnant....

(To be continued)