So, I have always been a very forgiving person. It just came easy to me; I usually can see past people's actions to their selves and let go of any hurt or resentment. However, the last couple of years have proven to be a little difficult for me in that area. There have been several instances involving people close to me in the last year or so that have caused me to harbor negative feelings towards people that I just can't seem to work past! I resolved myself to thinking it is okay to erase these people from my life to ''guard'' myself from further hurt. Even though my spirit was not quite at ease wth this notion, I told myself it is ok and I can forgive and move on and ''love them from afar.''
This week God has been throwing a message of forgiveness at me left and right. From devotionals to television broadcasts to facebook posts to magazine articles! I just read an article in my P31 Woman magazine and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks... I am the one in need of mercy!
I have been acting towards others out of my own pain! Two years ago October I lost my grandmother (Me-Ma). This happened in the midst of a court battle with my ex husband & his family whom I love dearly. (our relationships have since been restored, praise God!) I was going through a difficult third pregnancy, in and out of the hospital for months after that and on bed rest. While my adorable daughter is an awesome joy to me, my pregnancy caused much stress and tension within my marriage. Not to mention, one of my husband's closest friends passed away the day after she was born and he had his own pain he was soerting out. The next month, three months after Me-Ma's passing, my other grandmother passed away. The ensuing year involved a move, the decision to quit a job I loved, starting a business and a lot of financial strain. There were other battles I faced, too personal to blog about... Did I mention that I was in school full time through all this?
I'm not whining! Things could have been a LOT worse. It was just one of life's valleys. Now that we seem to be on the uphill climb, it's easier to see the dark place I was in. And, today God placed on my heart that he has never chosen to ''love me from afar.'' No matter my transgressions! So, who am I to place anyone out of my reach? Who am I to hold on to someone else's infractions? I realize that while I've been so focused on other people's mistakes and how they need my forgiveness, I should have been looking at my own heart! I have been acting out of pain and stress and fatigue. So, today I asked God to search MY heart and heal the pain that I've not taken the time to deal with and help me to soften towards those around me. I need to realize we are all only human, all with our own private struggles. And, I'm only going to get as much mercy as I give away!!!