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Thursday, January 28, 2010

I think of you...

I think of you when I am making Kool-Aid or when I make Macaroni & Cheese.  I think of you on the rare occasion I drink a Pepsi.  I think of you when I turn a fan on before bed at night.  I think of you every single year on your birthday.  I think of you when my memory is jogged by certain smells, certain songs and certain places I drive by.  I think of you every time, without fail.  I think of you so often, that I really don't notice it any more.  The memmories don't sting anymore like they used to.  I waited for the longest time for them to go away.  I thought eventually life would drown them out and I wouldn't think of you anymore.  But, now, I have come to terms with the thoughts.  They will never go away.  Of course, I think of you.  You were right beside me while I was becoming "me."  So, now I just smile whenever I think of you and know that... you will always be a part of me...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Let's put education and safety at the bottom of the barrel! For Sure.

So here in Oklahoma we are facing budget cuts in education and public safety.  Am I the only one that sees that as absolutely ridiculous??
My mother is a 3rd grade teacher.  They were just told that the district can no longer afford substitute teachers, so if a teacher has to take off, they just have to combine classrooms.  The teachers are glad to do this, because otherwise, they are facing layoffs.  Many districts are laying teachers off.  So... apparently this means classroom sizes are going to get larger.  One suggestion to help the budget was to take away some of the teacher's sick days.  Also, there is talk of reducing the 3 personal days teachers get a year.  (By-the-way, those of you who have the argument that teachers get 3 months off.  They don't.  They do not get paid for their time off.  And, if you ever figured up the actual hours a teacher puts in, most of their hourly wages would be surprisingly low!)
This makes me not even want my kids in public school anymore!  I think about homeschooling all the time!  How much good will it do them if teachers are having to combine classes and have much larger classrooms?  What about kids like my son that are not on an IP, don't have a severe learning problem, but need a little extra help?  I'm sure aids and paraprofessionals will be some of the first to be let go.
I know someone who was recently assaulted in a small town.  The police were not called.  Why?  Because, due to budget cuts, the police in that town were not on duty overnight. 
Is this really what we are coming to?  Are our priorities really this out of line in our great state?  Should the education of our children and the safety of our citizens not be of the utmost importance?  I just do not understand.  I am so disappointed in our state right now.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Apparently I am the sexist one!!!

I was raised by a rather feminist mother.  I rarely saw her fix my father's dinner plate or dote or wait on him.  I grew up seeing my father cook now and then and my mom roofing our house and doing a lot of the light handy work.  However, she maintained that you should never let on that you know how to mow the yard.  Because then, you'd have to start mowing the yard and apparently she doesn't think that would be a fun job.
Well, I grew up and got married.  (Twice now.  But, that's another blog.)  There have been plenty of times where I've spent a Saturday in the house cleaning, wishing I was the one outside on the mower or spraying off the sidewalk... anything but inside the house!!!  Somewhere along the way, despite my rather liberal mother, it became very ingrained in me that certain jobs are a woman's and certain jobs are a man's.  For instance: I don't take out the trash.  I just don't.  That's HIS job.  And, my husband grew up with a mother and father who played the parts of very traditional gender roles.  I doubt my husband ever saw his mom take out the trash or his dad do the dishes.
I'll be honest.  It irritates me when my husband expects me to take my car to get the oil changed, or doesn't put gas in my car, or won't get up in time to tend to our wood burning stove, leaving it for me.  Adversely, I feel very uncomfortable when he does things that I view as "my job."  Like, picking up around the house, wiping off kitchen counters, or mopping.  When he does these chores, I feel like a failure!  Like I should have already had it taken care of.
A few weeks ago, my sweet husband went on a cleaning spree in the kitchen and pulled the oven out, cleaned under and behind it, and also cleaned the sides of the oven.  That same night he moved the microwave to clean under it and mopped all the tile in the house.  And, while I was so grateful for the help, I was so uneasy!!  I was assuming that as he cleaned, he was secretly cursing me for being a bad wife who doesn't deep clean enough!  Obviously, my assumption stems from the fact that as I drop my van off to have the oil changed, I'm secretly complaining in my mind that I'm doing HIS job!
Last night I had a revelation!  My husband HATES tending to the wood stove in the house we just bought.  It is a big wood stove located outside our house, but feeds in to our central heat ducts.  It saves us a ton on our utility bills, but it is a bit of work.  Hubby finally kind of gave up on it.  I grew up with a fireplace and he didn't, so I just couldn't understand why he found it so difficult.  I decided I was going to start it back up.  As I walked out to start the fire, I said, "Okay, I'm going to go get the fire started."  My husband said, "Alright.  I'll start cleaning up the kitchen."  I was talking to my liberal Mom on the phone later on and, laughing, told her we had a little role reversal.  She said, "Been there and done that.  You gotta' play to your strengths, Babe."  It hit me like a ton of bricks! 
My husband is a neat freak.  I am not.  I am far too right brained.  For his sake, I try really hard to keep things neat and tidy, but it doesn't drive me crazy like it does him.  Therefore, he is better at cleaning than I am!  He enjoys getting things in order.  I hate mundane tasks that never end, like loading and unloading the dishwasher.  I actually enjoy the challenge of placing the wood in the stove just right and trying to keep the fire rolling.  So, what's wrong with him doing the dishes and me tending the fire??  Not one thing.
I'm always afraid that if I seem to self-sufficient, (Even though, I know I can be) my husband will feel not needed and will look for someone who does need him.  The fact of the matter is, though, I do need him!  I need him to do the dishes sometimes.  And, sometimes he needs me to tend the wood stove.
I don't think getting my oil changed will be a big deal anymore.  But... I'm still not taking out the trash!!

No one will love you like me??

At 19 I made a decision.  The decision was this: Either we get married or we break up. The decision was in reference to my high school boyfriend, who, since high school, had broken my heart, started using drugs, and was very co-dependent & possessive.  However, I loved him.  I loved him with all my heart and would have done anything had I thought we could make it!
But, I faced the reality that this was no longer high school and I could either stick by him, hope he overcame his problems, and eventually become his wife.... or... I could break it off.  To this day, breaking his heart is still one of the hardest things I have ever done!
I was not where I should have been with Christ at this point in my life.  I had run pretty far away from him, as a matter of fact.  But, he was still there in my heart and, in my heart, I knew this was what I had to do.  I won't go in to all the details, but I have never forgotten the words my broken hearted high school sweetheart said to me, through his tears: "No one will ever love you like I do."  For a very long time, I bought in to that.  I truly believed  at ages 16-19, I had experienced the greatest love of my life and everything else would pale in comparison.  I felt I was doomed to settle for the next best thing.
Fast forward to few years, and a divorce later, and I attended a bible study that would change my life forever!  I finally learned an amazing truth.  That void that I had been trying to fill with romantic love between myself and a man, was never meant to be filled by a man!  The intense desire we feel to be connected with someone on a deep, spiritual level is a desire God created in us FOR HIM.  It was like bells going off in my mind!!  Helllloooo!  Why did he create us?  Because he wanted companionship.  Because he loves us and wants to be near us.  He desires an intimate relationship with us.  And, I believe he created a special type of yearning in us women!
To date, this is the biggest revelation of my spiritual life!  Once I realized that God could fulfill my every need and I could be sublimely whole and happy without a romantic relationship, I felt so free and full of joy.  And, I believe God waited until after I learned this and put it in to practice in my life to put my husband in my path.  He is an amazing man, and there is no doubt in my mind that God created & molded him specifically for me.  Because God adores me and wants me to be blissfully happy!!

Falling In Love With Jesus, authors Dee Brestin and Kathy Troccoli
http://www.amazon.com/Falling-Abandoning-Yourself-Greatest-Romance/dp/0849943345/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263574662&sr=1-1

(This is a copy of my blog on my Heart Guardians website)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

so... about this blogging stuff...

I decided to blog.  I have no idea if anyone will read this or not.  Honestly, that does not matter much to me.  I basically just want a forum to write. Writing is a passion of mine I have possessed since I was able to hold a pen.  I need an outlet right now and this seems to be the most viable option!  I write in my mind on a daily basis, so I have decided to quit using facebook as my tablet and I got a blog!  We'll see how it goes!