My domestication requires lowered expectations!

On my (what I suppose will be lifelong) quest for total domestication, I am suddenly enjoying cooking.  Hmmm.  Strange.  Baking, new recipes, and the like.  Hamburger Helper should be jealous right about now!
Do not misunderstand me!  I am not referring to the kind of baking that requires a rolling pin (No clue where mine is. I only have one because it was my grandmothers and I keep it for nostalgic reasons.), flour all over the kitchen, or even baking powder.  I am in to what I like to call: CHEATING COOKING!  What is that?  Glad you asked!  Well, this morning I cooked some adorable little breakfast puffs that in some parts of the world might have a name in another language and a nice shiny egg white or butter coating.  Not here.  Here, I simply bought some crescent rolls (the always save, on sale, cheapest ones they had!) and I fried up a little bit of Blue and Gold sausage and added some eggs.  I chopped up some green onion and some mushrooms.  (Not fresh mushrooms.  Just some I had in the fridge in a jar!)  Put it in a bowl, mixed in some shredded cheese (bought it that way.  My cheese grater is rather a lonely little thing!) and a little sour cream and just wrapped the concoction up in the crescent rolls and baked them!  Voila!  Also, I have some potato soup in the crock pot.  (And, I did not chop up ONE SINGLE potato!  I hate peeling and cutting potatoes with a passion!)  Here's the "cheating" recipe for that:  Easy crockpot potato soup recipe It required opening things and dumping them in the crock pot, but this evening, I will be queen of the kitchen as my family raves about what a wonderful meal it is!  (Families rave about lots of easy meals when they are used to Hamburger Helper!) 
In an ideal world, I would honestly love to be one of those wives/moms who cooks organic, from scratch meals, leaves out all gluten and processed foods, grows and cans all our own vegetables, and has no clue what the price of a "Wal-Mart birthday cake" is!  And, my hat is off to those ladies, in all sincerity!! But, alas, I have 3 children (2 of which are in sports), a husband, 2 dogs, 6 bonus children here for about 10 hours a day, and semi-poor time management skills.  So.  I need to cheat!  I need meals that take 5 minutes to throw in a crock pot and taste like I slaved over them for hours!  And, I'm kind of excited about my new found interest!  I'm on the prowl for super easy recipes!!  And, I have decided to share with you all, all of my best findings!
I made extra of my little breakfast puffs so we can eat them on the way to games Saturday, instead of spending $20 or $30 on breakfast from a convenience store!  Thinking ahead! Aren't you proud of me? ;-)

Shutter jewelry holder

I love this! I bought an old wooden shutter  a local flea market. I used paperclips (unfolded) to hang my bracelets and necklaces. I hang my dangle earrings right on the shutter. 

Overwhelmed with thankfulness

I just am really overwhelmed right now and I needed to write it down!! 

There are two main things that I really wanted for my life.  Some people want huge houses, great monetary success, prestige, fame.... Maybe those were things I thought about a LOT of years ago.  But, starting at about 19 years old, I had two things that if I were to have them, I knew would make me feel like my life was complete, successful in MY eyes and that I'd not be able to ask for more!

One was to be in a marriage to someone who treated me like an equal, respected me, understood me, loved me for ME, and most importantly adored and cherished me.  The other was to be able to stay at home with my kids and not have to work outside the home.


It dawned on me today: HELLO!!! I'VE GOT IT ALL!!!  My husband is amazing and treats me the same (40 lbs and dozens more stretchmarks later) as he did when we first were together... better, actually.  He's everything I could have ever asked for.

And, I'm at home with my kids.  My youngest will be 3 in December.  I haven't missed a beat.  I've been there for almost every diaper, meal, first, last, boo-boo, and milestone along the way.  I'm here when my kids step off the bus every day.  I'm here all Summer with them. 

None of it came about the way I would have planned it.  It unfolded so very slowly and meticulously that it was hard to even see the totality of it until I look back on it.  Sometimes we ask God for things and we want to snap our fingers and see it.  God knows so much more than we do and he knows how to work things out perfectly in our lives.  Getting to this point, for me, was NOT painless.  There were bumps along the way.  But, had there not been, I would not have the appreciation I have for it all now.

I feel very humbled right now and in some respects very ungrateful.  How could I EVER complain about ANYTHING?  How could I get discouraged or down in the dumps?? At 30 God has given me, already, the two main things I wanted out of life.  He took the two most important things to me on this earth - Love and motherhood - and entwined them in to this perfect culmination of things in my life.  Everything else is just details, right?  Low on funds one month?  Who cares!!!  I have a beautiful family and everything I could ever want that really matters!  I am blessed absolutely beyond measure.  God should ground me from the internet if I EVER complain again!!  ;-)

You turned my wailing into dancing;
   you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
   LORD my God, I will praise you forever. -Psalms 30:11-12

An Open Letter to Satan...

Satan:


I thought you should know that I am shrinking.  And, clearly that should scare you.  I am decreasing so that Jesus' spirit that lives in me can increase.  I had a rough year a couple of years ago.  Really rough.  And, it hurt a little, but I sensed then and know now that God was breaking me down.  Not so He could build ME back up, but so He would have more room to be housed within me.
I used to be blind to your tricks.  I wanted to be blind to you and pretend you and your realm of darkness did not exist.  But, I am learning and growing and I am more aware than I've ever been of your presence in THIS world.  I see you now.  I see how you pick at me and try to wear me down.  But, I also have been made aware of how weak and vulnerable my flesh is.  So, I don't depend on myself anymore.  True, I've been a Christian for over 18 years now, but I am truly learning what it means to die to myself now.  Fear, which has ruled me my whole life, is a useless emotion when I belong to the MOST HIGH.  I no longer blindly struggle against you.  More and more, I see you and your ways and more and more I throw my hands up in the air in surrender to the one who has ultimate power over you.  You can't touch me.  I am HIS. (Neener, neener!!)
Nothing in THIS world matters.  Not the money, not the things, not the worry, not the sickness, not the sorrow, not the death.  Is it painful?  Oh, yes.  You know misery and pain and inflict it wherever you can.  But, I tell you now.  Go somewhere else.  Because my eyes are on the prize.  I will praise him in every storm.  I will forgive my enemies.  I will love when you want me to hate.  I will give my weaknesses to the Lord and I will NOT fight my own battles against you.  You battle me no longer.  You battle my God and we both know you have no chance with Him.  So, flee from me and mine, lest I stomp on your head with the supernatural power that is within me. You don't even know the amount of time I am in prayer silently, beseeching my God who hears my every thought. 
I am shrinking.  I am shrinking more and more every day and you know how powerful it makes me as I leave more and more room for the Holy Spirit to fill up my being and rule my life.  So, I have four words for you: GET THEE BEHIND ME.

He must become greater; I must become less. -John 3:30

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. - Psalm 20:7-8

Diets and Dog Poo - It's been a while....

I haven't updated in a while!  I hate to admit that my progress to this point is not where I thought it would be.  However, I am NOT beating myself up over it!  I changed courses a little bit.  I decided on using baby steps!!  I have determined that I will change things about my life (Because, after all, it is my life habits that got me where I am at...) one step at a time.  The first thing was to incorporate push ups in   to my daily routine.  May sound strange, but push ups are one of the most effective strength training exercises you can do.  They help your arms, core, chest, shoulders, and back.  So, I started out with two sets of 10 (girlie style!) every morning.  Then, I eventually moved up to 12, and on until I am now at 2 sets of 15.  Every morning.  Well, almost!  ;)  I think pretty soon I will add another set.  Eventually I will start doing military style!
The next step is cardio!  I am working on adding some cardio in to my day every day.  If I don't make it EVERY day, I don't get upset with myself.  I like to do it in the morning because it really increases my energy level all day, but again, if I don't get up, I don't beat myself up.  I just say, "No big deal.  I'll do it this evening."  I think Monday I am going to try, once again, to do the "Couch to 5k" running program. But, if like last year, I start hurting too bad from running, I'll just go back to walking and NOT BEAT MYSELF UP!  I think not being so hard on myself is going to be a key factor in sticking it out for the long haul!  Too many times in my past, I would get discouraged and quit the minute I messed up.  So, now, I am putting forth an effort to make changes I can actually stick to (instead of outrageous things like HCG and NO CARBS) and trying to make them part of my life one step at a time!

Diets and Dog Poo - Fizzgig and Soup

A relationship with a dog is very similar to a parent/child relationship.  It isn't like a dating relationship where you sit the dog down and say, "Listen.  This just isn't working out.  It's not me.  It's you."  HA!  But, I'll admit.  I'd been giving some thought to giving our lab, Ruth, to a good home.  Even though it would be sad and the kids would be sad.  And, I'd been looking on Craig's List every day at dogs that needed homes, dreaming of having a little indoor dog to love that would not be able to knock things over or leave horse-like piles of poo on my carpet!  Although I like Ruth a lot, I'd all but given up, as I looked out my kitchen window at 6:00 am one morning to see her in the neighbor's yard, looking over at our house.  I think maybe she was actually looking at ME through the window, as if to let me know where she was at so I wouldn't be worried....


So, I sat the hubby down and told him:  "I think we need to find Ruth another home.  This is just ridiculous.  We can't keep her in ANY kind of fence, when she's been cooped up in that little kennel, she's just too hyper for the kids to handle.  She's too much to keep in the house."  Now, I assumed he would be all for this because he's just not a big pet person.  He expects animals to earn their keep.  Coon hounds and cows - they have a purpose.  Dogs are just another mouth to feed and more responsibility.  Surprisingly, though, his exact words were: "Naw.  I don't want to do that."  Huh?!  Was it possible that he'd grown attached to the crazy dog??  He said he would fix the kennel so she couldn't get out and he would work on putting in a buried electric fence system to keep her in the yard.  I love this guy.


However, my longing for a little lap dog would not go away.  I don't know what the deal was.  I guess maybe because my youngest is 2, talking in complete sentences, potty trained and letting me know what color she wants of everything?  Maybe the good ol' baby fever is kicking in and I know the closest I can ever come again will be a puppy?  I don't know.  But, when Mom called me about some puppies someone she knew was trying to get rid of that were half Shih Tzu, half Jack Russell Terrier I was intrigued!  And when the lady sent me a picture of three little fluff balls, I instantly fell for one of them.  It was a little brown and white sleeping puppy, all spotted fur!!  I had to have her!  So, I worked up the nerve to ask the hubster if he'd be on board.  He of course, said it was up to me and I needed to make sure I wasn't biting off more than I could chew.  I don't know why I expected a resounding NO out of him, but I did.  I really, really love this guy!


Eagerly, I told the lady that I would get the pup the next day - Friday!  Then, I remembered I was having two wisdom teeth pulled Friday.  Oh, well, I thought.  I'll have Mom get her on her way home and I'll be fine to take care of her... and my three kids.  And, we had a livestock auction to go to the next day.  No big deal.


Fast Forward to the dentist's office.  Now.  I realized this was a "difficult extraction."  I knew one tooth was sideways and not through the gum.  So, I assumed they'd have to cut my gum.  And I knew they might have to break to tooth some to get it out.  I was nervous.  And unprepared.  The dentist asked me, "Are you nervous?"  I, of course, responded with a yes.  His next words are not what you want to hear as you are sitting down in a dentist's chair.  "You should be.  This isn't going to be easy."  Then he and the assistant were throwing words like "surgery" around.  I was having actual surgery, only I was going to be awake for it.  Lovely.  This was definitely going to help my irrational fear of the dentist.


So, he let me know the risks, like the chance that part of my lip could end up permanently numb and that there was a possibility of puncturing my sinus cavity and that the tooth was on a nerve so it was going to hurt no matter what and there was nothing he could do about it.  And, he told me how I needed to lay down afterwords and not talk and I needed to be "off duty " for a day or two to recover and keep my blood pressure down so the clotting would do it's thing.  Then, after he started there was talk about how much tissue he was having to cut through and about sewing the muscle back together and how it was going to feel like he sewed my mouth shut.  Hmmm.  Maybe this new puppy thing should have waited until NEXT weekend!


So, I went home and lay down until Mom showed up with my little fur ball who I named Fizzgig.  (Most people look at me like I'm crazy, but the name comes from one of my favorite childhood Jim Henson movies, The Dark Crystal.  Fizzgig was a little rolling, fuzzball Muppet creature.)  I tried to stay down as much as possible and my oldest daughter was more than happy to help out with the new family member.  I was up quite a bit that night, but I got to sleep in the next morning.


Now, having been unprepared for my dental ordeal, I had NOTHING in the house I could eat.  I tried to eat the dirty rice that the hubby (with lots of my help) made for dinner, but no matter how much I mashed the rice it kept wanting to get stuck in the gaping holes in my gums.  So, I drank some coffee the next morning and tried to get ready for my mom's Scentsy party at 2:00.  However, I kept feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out, or maybe both at the same time.  So, I asked my sister to stop and get us on her way to Mom's.  She did, of course, being the wonderful sister she is.  And she brought a friend!  So, here I am, half dressed, trying not to pass out in a pool of my own puke, my house a WRECK (because houses quickly get wrecked when moms spend much time at all lying around), and in walks my little sister and her very cute, neat, put together friend.  MORTIFIED!  So, I put on my best "I'm fine act" (because if I hadn't, she would have insisted on driving me) and told her I'd be ok to drive if she'd run the errand for me that mom had asked me to run.  Because A. I was not about to try to cram me, two of my kids and a dog in to the backseat of my sister's two door sports car. And B. I was not about to let this girl I'd never met even look in the windows of my van which is usually in a very pit of despair-ish kind of shape.  Trash in the floor, clothes all over, sticky stuff on the windows.  Nope. My pride would not allow it!  So, I suited up, got us all out the door and my husband walked to the window of the van to tell me good bye and instead said, "Don't take this wrong, Baby, but you look bad.  Are you okay?"  "Yep.  I'm fine.  I just need to eat something."  And, I did!  I knew my blood sugar had spiked or plummeted or something!  I just did not feel right at all. I had gone in to survival mode.  And, I knew my survival depended on getting to my Mommy as quick as possible without throwing up!


I made it.  I got us all in the door and in true Momma fashion, she took one look at me and said, "Are you okay?"  And, amidst the room full of Scentsy partiers, I said, "Yea."  And, I quickly walked to the kitchen.  As soon as she could get away, she was in there with me and I broke in to tears.  "What's wrong?"  Me: "I don't know.  I don't know why I'm crying!  I think I just need to eat!"  Ha!!!!  What I really needed was to have a milk shake and go lay down in a quiet room for about 10 hours and let the pain pills work their magic without having to take dogs to potty or feed kids or find binkies!  But, instead, I opted for some yogurt and chicken noodle soup (minus the noodles) and I tried to join in the scent sniffing festivities.  And, I went to the livestock sale to watch my girl "auction" her show heifer.  Then I went to El Chicos, one of my all time favorite Mexican restaurants and was tortured with chips and dip while I sipped soup.


I spent 5 days on an almost totally liquid diet.  And, I'm pretty sure that when I weigh myself Monday, you won't even be able to tell!  But, on a good note, I am head over heels for my new puppy!  And, so far we are on day 7 with only one tiny pee-pee accident!  My days of dog poo may be over for good!  But, the diet is still there.......

Top: Jim Henson's Fizzgig.  Bottom: My Fizzgig.  She found a binky!

Twirl (A VERY rough draft)

You were laying in the grass,

warm golden sun on your face.

Pig tails, innocence and lace.

A sweet breeze stirred your soul.

You got up and twirled about.

You don't remember; it was long ago.

But, He remembers everything,

though you thought you were alone.

He watched you dance, heard you sing,

He delighted in your silly song.

And when you were done, 

He cradled you with the warm spring sun.

and sent the wind to whisper you to sleep.

What hurts you must have

to give it all up for a man.

Who made you feel unworthy of

the very best kinds of love?

Oh, it hurts so much to watch you

passing your painful torch to

the ones who are looking for Him now.

Who made you feel less than?

Who hurt that little girl?

This was not your father's plan.

He wants to see you twirl.

Oh, He loved to watch you twirl.

You've been in love before;

It's fleeting - you try to hang on.

Try to keep that man's heart beating.

You are sure he's the one.

You'll give all your gifts away,

if only for a moment.

And, in the end they just feel stolen.

Only God will hold you

the way you really need.

Only God will send you

the love of your dreams.

Only God will be there

when the world turns away.

And only God remembers

Every single thing.

What hurts you must have

to give it all up for a man.

Who made you feel unworthy of

the very best kinds of love?

Oh, it hurts so much to watch you

passing your painful torch to

the ones who are looking for Him now.

Who made you feel less than?

Who hurt that little girl?

This was not your father's plan.

He wants to see you twirl.

Oh, He loved to watch you twirl

Don't you see her watching you?

Trying to decide who to be.

When was the last time she twirled in the grass?

Does she know she's lovely?

He loves to watch her twirl.

He never wanted you to stop.

Take his hands and twirl.

Don't ever let her stop.

Diets and Dog Poo - Flu and the frozen puppy

I have had the flu.  I haven't felt very well for the past two weeks.  So, I've just eaten whatever and I sure haven't worked out. Not to mention that the tons of snow we've gotten has just been a little depressing!  Something about being snowed in the house just makes me want to wear pajamas all day, sit on the couch with a blanket, and eat everything in sight!  Am I the only one??
My routine is all off.  The kids have been out of school for a week and a half.  I haven't really had any of my daycare kids for that long as well.  Also, I spent a few days in a cold medicine stupor.  I am such a creature of habit.  If my routine gets off kilter, everything else does, too.  So, no healthy eating and exercise lately!  :-(  Hopefully it didn't put me too far behind my goal.  I will start back Monday with gusto!
And, then there is poor Ruth.  The temperatures have been well below 0 F the past couple of nights.  The silly dog refuses to go bed down in the barn on the open part of my brother-in-law's shop.  Oh, I forgot to mention that she has also figured out how to break out of her outdoor kennel that has a closed in area to protect from wind and cold.  I covered a laundry basket in a trash bag and put it up against the grill with a cardboard box around it and a blanket draped over to try to give her a place to lay that would be protected from the cold, but I worried about her so much!  This morning she seemed fine.  She was laying sprawled out on a patch of dry concrete, sunbathing.  I've been considering trying her indoors again.  Am I crazy???  I need a big, giant dog crate....

My spirtual project this year...

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

 I'm seeing a theme in my life.  It seems to go by years, for the most part.  God gives me a part of myself to work on and he throws little projects my way.  Last year was very much about learning humility, letting go of pride and forgiveness.

I'm pretty sure the above verse is what this year is all about.  I'd like to give a big shout out to one Joyce Meyer  for bringing the verse to my attention.  I love her, but man does she call me out sometimes via that TV broadcast in the mornings!

So, this will apply more to the ladies, but how many of you out there have that 1 or 2 people who you consider your "safe" people to talk to.  You know, you get highly irritated with someone, so you pick up the phone and call your BFF or your mom or your sister, maybe even your husband, and "vent."  After all, that doesn't count as gossip, right?  You know it won't go any further than that person, so it's safe to "vent."  And, by vent, I mean GRIPE and JUDGE and TALK BAD ABOUT BEHIND SOMEONE'S BACK.  I mean, sure, it may very well stop with that person, but does that make it ok? And, heck!  Sometimes we get so upset we don't care if the person we are talking to is "safe" or not!  We'll rant and rave to whoever is within ear shot... and then regret it later.

I'm not going to lie to you, I do it!  Sometimes it feels like I just HAVE to get something off my chest!  Someone is taking advantage of me, someone is doing things differently from how I think they should be done, someone hurt my feelings, or someone said something out of line to me.  All this is by MY standards.  But, honestly, how many times do we say a prayer for those people?  How many times do we stop and talk to God about the situation instead of grabbing the phone and sending a catty text to our "safe" person?  Because: A. That text isn't helping ANYONE.  and B. You gotta' be careful with those texts!  Sometimes they go to the wrong people!!!

I'm thinking that instead of judging someone for doing something differently than I think they should, I should see them through God's eyes!  I should realize that God loves this person immensely,  and he wants me to do the same.  I should do what I can to "cover" that person's sins.  I should help make up for their shortcomings where I can and realize that MY idea of a shortcoming is not everyone else's definition of the same.  When someone does something to really hurt me, I should talk to God first.  I should pray FOR that person that God might heal whatever is broken in them that made them act that way.

There's a fine line between being a good Christian and getting totally taken advantage of.  I think there have to be times when we stand up for ourselves and when we are open with people about how they are making us feel or if they are hurting us.  But, I think that we should really seek the Holy Spirit's guidance in how to handle those situations before we act on our impulses.  There's a humble way to approach someone and then there's anger, yelling and fits of rage that don't do ANY good!

Because, after all, the definition of gentle was once explained to me as this: Strength under control.  I have a ways to go, but I really am working on being less judgmental, thinking and praying before I react to others, and trying harder to help "cover" the sins of my sisters and brothers.  Because, God knows I have some things in me that I'd appreciate being covered instead of exposed!

Independent Woman

We are snowed in here with some of the deepest snow I've seen in a while!  My husband has been sick with what seems to be a sinus infection, so yesterday I got the job of tending to the fire in our wood stove.  Right before bed last night my daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, how do you know how to do that?"  I told her I was in Girls Scouts and that I'd just been raised with a fireplace.  She seemed in awe of the way I was moving the logs around to stir up the coals and make sure there was room for air to flow up and ignite the fresh logs.  She surprised me when my ten year old said: "Mom, you're an independent woman, huh?"  She said it with pride.  It kind of took me by surprise because I wouldn't use "independent" as one of the main adjectives to describe myself.  I said, "Well.  I guess so, Sis.  That's just how my mom raised me.  She always told me there might not always be a man around so you have to be able to take care of yourself."  I told her the story of how my mom made my dad show me how to change a tire before I was allowed to drive.  I used to tease my mom by saying, "Aww, mom.  I can always find a man to do it for me."  She HATED that! Haha.  I have never seen myself as independent as my mom.  I've seen her roof a house, hang drywall, make dinner and sew clothes.  Part of me didn't want to be like that.  Part of me wanted to be the "little woman" and have a man take care of me.  But, last night as I saw myself through the eyes of my daughter, I realized I was proud that she saw me in that light.  She's seen me wait on my husband, make his plates, fold the family's clothes, etc.  But, she also knows that I can build a fire, change a tire and check my own oil.  She is seeing that I am a woman, I am feminine and delicate, but I can also take care of myself if need be and that I will stand my ground when I believe in something.  She's seen me let things slide off my back, but she's seen me believe in things enough to go to bat - she's seen me do it for her.  So, that makes me just a little bit proud of the example I'm showing her.  And, it also made me more aware of the fact that she is ALWAYS watching me!

Letting the Lbs go! - The before picture!!!

This is a picture of me at my 30th birthday outing.  UUUUuugh.  It pains me to look at this because this is not how I see myself in my own mind.  But.  At my 31st birthday there will be a new picture and I'll be over half way to where I want to be! Anybody want to join me??

Diets and Dog Poo - Not much poo these days!

Ruth got kicked back outside... twice.  Now it's for good.  When I woke up at 4 am to the smell of a big steamy pile of dog poo and and overturned trash can, she lost all indoor privileges.  Also, my youngest child is now completely out of diapers!  I'm talking stays dry all night!  Hallelujah!  Don't think this is the end of my journey with poo, though.  Hello.  I have a home daycare.  I imagine there will be plenty more diapers and house breaking in my future!  And, I don't care what anyone says, I think housebreaking a toddler is, by far, easier than a canine!
So, now my blog threads will just consist of the diet.  I am using a website called Spark People that tracks your calories in and out and a lot of other diet/health/nutrition info!  My goal is to lose 37 of the 57 lbs I need to lose by my birthday in May!  So... for anyone interested, you can follow my success!  I won't be posting my actual weight, but I will be posting my lbs lost.
And... dun, dun, duuuuun.... Before and after pictures!  OUCH.

Speaking of poo!

My youngest is now fully potty trained!!  Yay for me!  And, of course, here's a link to a video of her pooping in the potty.  She'll kill me someday for this, but it's SO hilarious!!
More Poo Poo

Diets and Dog Poo -I just put some chips up!

So, as you know, the HcG diet was a bust.  I think I'm done dieting.  My new goal is to conquer the basic math of body weight:  More output than input.  I'm basically just trying to eat less and work off more calories.  I'm not going to restrict myself of anything, but I'm going to try to make better choices.  Today for lunch I had a ham and mozzarella sandwich on a whole wheat roll with hot mustard and sauerkraut.  I also ate a few kettle chips.  Seriously, it was maybe 5.  And I had unsweetened tea to drink.  And, just now as I went through the kitchen, cleaning up, I just shut the bag.  I thought about grabbing a handful because that's what I would normally do, but I thought, "Nah.  I don't need 'em." And, I put them away!  Yay for me!!!!

Diets and Dog Poo - Hello, my name is Christin and I am a foodaholic...

There, I said it.  I quit HcG totally.  I quit everything again.  I fell off the wagon and I pigged out and it was glorious... until after.  As always.  I feel like I am battling a heroin addiction.  To some of you that will make sense.  To some of you, you will just think I am a fat, lazy, glutton.  And, that's fine.  But, I'm realizing that this is a true addiction.  All kidding aside.  And, I'm realizing I started this at a point in time in my life when things were very scary and out of control for me.  I used food to comfort myself.  I used food as a temporary high when everything else in my life seemed to be falling apart.  After that, as a single mom living on my own, supporting two children I had food stamps.  It wasn't something I was proud of, but I had to do it.  And, there was no extra money for anything!  No new clothes for me, not much of anything for the kids, and not a lot left over for entertainment.  It was all I could do to make ends meet.  But, I had that little blue card and we could go buy whatever we wanted to eat!  Food became my entertainment and one of the few things in my life I felt like I could control.  Maybe I couldn't buy my kids toys or brand new fancy outfits, but I could get them whatever special cereal they wanted and we could get ice cream and frozen pizzas every Friday night! And, it just stuck with me all these years.  Food is my vice.  So, I am NOT dieting anymore.  I am going to set small goals and I am going to conquer this just like I would a heroin addiction.  And, I'm not going to beat myself up for "falling off the wagon."  My goals right now are to: 1. Go to bed earlier. 2. Get up and work out every morning. 3. To try to eat smaller portions. 4. To add more whole foods to my diet like fruits and veggies.  Once I master those, I will move on to add more healthy things in to my life.
The other day I heated up some left over pizza.  I realized that I wasn't really hungry, I just really wanted the pizza.  It took a lot, but I took the pizza out of the microwave and I threw it in the trash.  Not a big deal for some people.  But, for me, it was the equivalent of an alcoholic pouring a bottle of booze down the drain.  And, I was proud of me!  It was a small step.  But, a step none-the-less!

Today I cleaned my doors.

I've mentioned Fly Lady in a previous post.  I swear by this plan!  And, with a new year here I have decided to really get on track with it and keep my house in shape!  They have something called "Zone cleaning" where your home is divided in to 5 zones and for a week or so every month you concentrate on deep cleaning that area.  Eventually your house gets clean and stays that way!
This week is Zone 1.  That involves entry ways, porches, dining room.  Today I cleaned the outside of my doors and I realized something.  As a 30 year old, I have never cleaned the outside of my doors in any house I've lived in.  Okay, sure, I may have hosed one off here and there and if I owned a glass door, it got cleaned.  But, I went outside and I cleaned my doors and I was a little appalled!  My doors were dirty and the trim was dirty and there were cobwebs.
I looked at my doors like visitors would and I was pretty embarrassed!  I mean, this is the first thing people see as they walk in my house!  So, if you've ever come to my house and thought that I was a lazy bum because my doors are so dirty, let me tell you that's not the case!  I'm not a detail person.  I'm a big picture person.  So, I don't notice things like dusty doors and dirty trim and fingerprints by the doorknob.  I just see the whole front porch as a big picture.  So, don't worry, I will never notice the dust on your door.  And, for all you that do notice those things.... I'm on it!  ;-)

Diets and Dog Poo - Mostly just poo

So... I lasted four days on the diet and I caved.  I caved big!  I had lost almost 6 lbs, but I guess that wasn't motivation enough for the starvation to continue.  This diet is not for the weak.  And I am oh, so weak.  So.  Now what?  Now I am going to continue the drops because they really are a good appetite suppressant.  However, I am not going to limit myself to 500 calories a day worth of lettuce, grilled chicken and apples.  It's just not doable for me!  I am going to cut carbs (the bad ones) and eat less.  It will be slower going than the illustrious 25 pounds I had hoped to lose in one month, but it will happen... eventually.


And, possible part of why I couldn't exist on the 500 calories is due, in part, to the poo.  I've dealt with a lot lately.  At the same time I was giving up on the diet, I was about to give up on this stinkin' dog!!  First off, what kind of dog digs out of it's own fence and then digs in to another fence?  That's ridiculous.  So, we bring her inside with the back hallway as her room, and a baby gate to contain her.  Bad idea. 


I had realized she couldn't be let go in the house because the one time I took my eyes off her for 5 minutes my husband and I started to smell something.  So, we searched.  We searched then den where we were at, we searched the daycare room.  We searched everywhere.  Finally, I went to my son's room (which is clear across the house from where we first smelled the smell.) and there in the floor was an enormous steaming pile of dog *BLEEP*  Poo doesn't cover it.  This was no lap dog accident.  This was a big dog "goodie."  And beside it was a puddle.  I was furious!  And disgusted beyond belief.  And, of course, since it was my idea to bring the horse dog in to our home, it was my job to clean up after it, I supposed.  Thank God for the dust pan with the long handle is all I got to say!


New Years' Eve Ruth woke me up.  She had escaped.  Luckily, she didn't go to my son's room or any other carpeted area, she came right to me and I let her out.  And, of course, she went to the neighbor's yard, found her hole, and let herself right in their yard with their dogs.  How embarrassing!!  We added another baby gate on top of the first one to make a wall that could not be scaled by the lab.

That night we went to my parent's house.  When we returned, Ruth met us at the door.  And, immediately, I smelled it.  She had knocked down the bottom gate and had free rain of the house.  The trash can was knocked over, there were two dirty diapers from the trash torn apart in one bedroom.  And, again, in my son's room she had found some nice "grass" to use as her restroom.  This time it was 3 piles.  PILES, I said.  And one puddle.  And, let me tell you, I was ready to be done with this whole thing.  I was ready to give her away!! 


On top of that, I am potty training my two year old.  She has mastered going number one in the potty, but not so much number two....  I've had it with poo!!!