An Open Letter to Satan...

Satan:


I thought you should know that I am shrinking.  And, clearly that should scare you.  I am decreasing so that Jesus' spirit that lives in me can increase.  I had a rough year a couple of years ago.  Really rough.  And, it hurt a little, but I sensed then and know now that God was breaking me down.  Not so He could build ME back up, but so He would have more room to be housed within me.
I used to be blind to your tricks.  I wanted to be blind to you and pretend you and your realm of darkness did not exist.  But, I am learning and growing and I am more aware than I've ever been of your presence in THIS world.  I see you now.  I see how you pick at me and try to wear me down.  But, I also have been made aware of how weak and vulnerable my flesh is.  So, I don't depend on myself anymore.  True, I've been a Christian for over 18 years now, but I am truly learning what it means to die to myself now.  Fear, which has ruled me my whole life, is a useless emotion when I belong to the MOST HIGH.  I no longer blindly struggle against you.  More and more, I see you and your ways and more and more I throw my hands up in the air in surrender to the one who has ultimate power over you.  You can't touch me.  I am HIS. (Neener, neener!!)
Nothing in THIS world matters.  Not the money, not the things, not the worry, not the sickness, not the sorrow, not the death.  Is it painful?  Oh, yes.  You know misery and pain and inflict it wherever you can.  But, I tell you now.  Go somewhere else.  Because my eyes are on the prize.  I will praise him in every storm.  I will forgive my enemies.  I will love when you want me to hate.  I will give my weaknesses to the Lord and I will NOT fight my own battles against you.  You battle me no longer.  You battle my God and we both know you have no chance with Him.  So, flee from me and mine, lest I stomp on your head with the supernatural power that is within me. You don't even know the amount of time I am in prayer silently, beseeching my God who hears my every thought. 
I am shrinking.  I am shrinking more and more every day and you know how powerful it makes me as I leave more and more room for the Holy Spirit to fill up my being and rule my life.  So, I have four words for you: GET THEE BEHIND ME.

He must become greater; I must become less. -John 3:30

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. - Psalm 20:7-8

Diets and Dog Poo - It's been a while....

I haven't updated in a while!  I hate to admit that my progress to this point is not where I thought it would be.  However, I am NOT beating myself up over it!  I changed courses a little bit.  I decided on using baby steps!!  I have determined that I will change things about my life (Because, after all, it is my life habits that got me where I am at...) one step at a time.  The first thing was to incorporate push ups in   to my daily routine.  May sound strange, but push ups are one of the most effective strength training exercises you can do.  They help your arms, core, chest, shoulders, and back.  So, I started out with two sets of 10 (girlie style!) every morning.  Then, I eventually moved up to 12, and on until I am now at 2 sets of 15.  Every morning.  Well, almost!  ;)  I think pretty soon I will add another set.  Eventually I will start doing military style!
The next step is cardio!  I am working on adding some cardio in to my day every day.  If I don't make it EVERY day, I don't get upset with myself.  I like to do it in the morning because it really increases my energy level all day, but again, if I don't get up, I don't beat myself up.  I just say, "No big deal.  I'll do it this evening."  I think Monday I am going to try, once again, to do the "Couch to 5k" running program. But, if like last year, I start hurting too bad from running, I'll just go back to walking and NOT BEAT MYSELF UP!  I think not being so hard on myself is going to be a key factor in sticking it out for the long haul!  Too many times in my past, I would get discouraged and quit the minute I messed up.  So, now, I am putting forth an effort to make changes I can actually stick to (instead of outrageous things like HCG and NO CARBS) and trying to make them part of my life one step at a time!

Diets and Dog Poo - Fizzgig and Soup

A relationship with a dog is very similar to a parent/child relationship.  It isn't like a dating relationship where you sit the dog down and say, "Listen.  This just isn't working out.  It's not me.  It's you."  HA!  But, I'll admit.  I'd been giving some thought to giving our lab, Ruth, to a good home.  Even though it would be sad and the kids would be sad.  And, I'd been looking on Craig's List every day at dogs that needed homes, dreaming of having a little indoor dog to love that would not be able to knock things over or leave horse-like piles of poo on my carpet!  Although I like Ruth a lot, I'd all but given up, as I looked out my kitchen window at 6:00 am one morning to see her in the neighbor's yard, looking over at our house.  I think maybe she was actually looking at ME through the window, as if to let me know where she was at so I wouldn't be worried....


So, I sat the hubby down and told him:  "I think we need to find Ruth another home.  This is just ridiculous.  We can't keep her in ANY kind of fence, when she's been cooped up in that little kennel, she's just too hyper for the kids to handle.  She's too much to keep in the house."  Now, I assumed he would be all for this because he's just not a big pet person.  He expects animals to earn their keep.  Coon hounds and cows - they have a purpose.  Dogs are just another mouth to feed and more responsibility.  Surprisingly, though, his exact words were: "Naw.  I don't want to do that."  Huh?!  Was it possible that he'd grown attached to the crazy dog??  He said he would fix the kennel so she couldn't get out and he would work on putting in a buried electric fence system to keep her in the yard.  I love this guy.


However, my longing for a little lap dog would not go away.  I don't know what the deal was.  I guess maybe because my youngest is 2, talking in complete sentences, potty trained and letting me know what color she wants of everything?  Maybe the good ol' baby fever is kicking in and I know the closest I can ever come again will be a puppy?  I don't know.  But, when Mom called me about some puppies someone she knew was trying to get rid of that were half Shih Tzu, half Jack Russell Terrier I was intrigued!  And when the lady sent me a picture of three little fluff balls, I instantly fell for one of them.  It was a little brown and white sleeping puppy, all spotted fur!!  I had to have her!  So, I worked up the nerve to ask the hubster if he'd be on board.  He of course, said it was up to me and I needed to make sure I wasn't biting off more than I could chew.  I don't know why I expected a resounding NO out of him, but I did.  I really, really love this guy!


Eagerly, I told the lady that I would get the pup the next day - Friday!  Then, I remembered I was having two wisdom teeth pulled Friday.  Oh, well, I thought.  I'll have Mom get her on her way home and I'll be fine to take care of her... and my three kids.  And, we had a livestock auction to go to the next day.  No big deal.


Fast Forward to the dentist's office.  Now.  I realized this was a "difficult extraction."  I knew one tooth was sideways and not through the gum.  So, I assumed they'd have to cut my gum.  And I knew they might have to break to tooth some to get it out.  I was nervous.  And unprepared.  The dentist asked me, "Are you nervous?"  I, of course, responded with a yes.  His next words are not what you want to hear as you are sitting down in a dentist's chair.  "You should be.  This isn't going to be easy."  Then he and the assistant were throwing words like "surgery" around.  I was having actual surgery, only I was going to be awake for it.  Lovely.  This was definitely going to help my irrational fear of the dentist.


So, he let me know the risks, like the chance that part of my lip could end up permanently numb and that there was a possibility of puncturing my sinus cavity and that the tooth was on a nerve so it was going to hurt no matter what and there was nothing he could do about it.  And, he told me how I needed to lay down afterwords and not talk and I needed to be "off duty " for a day or two to recover and keep my blood pressure down so the clotting would do it's thing.  Then, after he started there was talk about how much tissue he was having to cut through and about sewing the muscle back together and how it was going to feel like he sewed my mouth shut.  Hmmm.  Maybe this new puppy thing should have waited until NEXT weekend!


So, I went home and lay down until Mom showed up with my little fur ball who I named Fizzgig.  (Most people look at me like I'm crazy, but the name comes from one of my favorite childhood Jim Henson movies, The Dark Crystal.  Fizzgig was a little rolling, fuzzball Muppet creature.)  I tried to stay down as much as possible and my oldest daughter was more than happy to help out with the new family member.  I was up quite a bit that night, but I got to sleep in the next morning.


Now, having been unprepared for my dental ordeal, I had NOTHING in the house I could eat.  I tried to eat the dirty rice that the hubby (with lots of my help) made for dinner, but no matter how much I mashed the rice it kept wanting to get stuck in the gaping holes in my gums.  So, I drank some coffee the next morning and tried to get ready for my mom's Scentsy party at 2:00.  However, I kept feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out, or maybe both at the same time.  So, I asked my sister to stop and get us on her way to Mom's.  She did, of course, being the wonderful sister she is.  And she brought a friend!  So, here I am, half dressed, trying not to pass out in a pool of my own puke, my house a WRECK (because houses quickly get wrecked when moms spend much time at all lying around), and in walks my little sister and her very cute, neat, put together friend.  MORTIFIED!  So, I put on my best "I'm fine act" (because if I hadn't, she would have insisted on driving me) and told her I'd be ok to drive if she'd run the errand for me that mom had asked me to run.  Because A. I was not about to try to cram me, two of my kids and a dog in to the backseat of my sister's two door sports car. And B. I was not about to let this girl I'd never met even look in the windows of my van which is usually in a very pit of despair-ish kind of shape.  Trash in the floor, clothes all over, sticky stuff on the windows.  Nope. My pride would not allow it!  So, I suited up, got us all out the door and my husband walked to the window of the van to tell me good bye and instead said, "Don't take this wrong, Baby, but you look bad.  Are you okay?"  "Yep.  I'm fine.  I just need to eat something."  And, I did!  I knew my blood sugar had spiked or plummeted or something!  I just did not feel right at all. I had gone in to survival mode.  And, I knew my survival depended on getting to my Mommy as quick as possible without throwing up!


I made it.  I got us all in the door and in true Momma fashion, she took one look at me and said, "Are you okay?"  And, amidst the room full of Scentsy partiers, I said, "Yea."  And, I quickly walked to the kitchen.  As soon as she could get away, she was in there with me and I broke in to tears.  "What's wrong?"  Me: "I don't know.  I don't know why I'm crying!  I think I just need to eat!"  Ha!!!!  What I really needed was to have a milk shake and go lay down in a quiet room for about 10 hours and let the pain pills work their magic without having to take dogs to potty or feed kids or find binkies!  But, instead, I opted for some yogurt and chicken noodle soup (minus the noodles) and I tried to join in the scent sniffing festivities.  And, I went to the livestock sale to watch my girl "auction" her show heifer.  Then I went to El Chicos, one of my all time favorite Mexican restaurants and was tortured with chips and dip while I sipped soup.


I spent 5 days on an almost totally liquid diet.  And, I'm pretty sure that when I weigh myself Monday, you won't even be able to tell!  But, on a good note, I am head over heels for my new puppy!  And, so far we are on day 7 with only one tiny pee-pee accident!  My days of dog poo may be over for good!  But, the diet is still there.......

Top: Jim Henson's Fizzgig.  Bottom: My Fizzgig.  She found a binky!

Twirl (A VERY rough draft)

You were laying in the grass,

warm golden sun on your face.

Pig tails, innocence and lace.

A sweet breeze stirred your soul.

You got up and twirled about.

You don't remember; it was long ago.

But, He remembers everything,

though you thought you were alone.

He watched you dance, heard you sing,

He delighted in your silly song.

And when you were done, 

He cradled you with the warm spring sun.

and sent the wind to whisper you to sleep.

What hurts you must have

to give it all up for a man.

Who made you feel unworthy of

the very best kinds of love?

Oh, it hurts so much to watch you

passing your painful torch to

the ones who are looking for Him now.

Who made you feel less than?

Who hurt that little girl?

This was not your father's plan.

He wants to see you twirl.

Oh, He loved to watch you twirl.

You've been in love before;

It's fleeting - you try to hang on.

Try to keep that man's heart beating.

You are sure he's the one.

You'll give all your gifts away,

if only for a moment.

And, in the end they just feel stolen.

Only God will hold you

the way you really need.

Only God will send you

the love of your dreams.

Only God will be there

when the world turns away.

And only God remembers

Every single thing.

What hurts you must have

to give it all up for a man.

Who made you feel unworthy of

the very best kinds of love?

Oh, it hurts so much to watch you

passing your painful torch to

the ones who are looking for Him now.

Who made you feel less than?

Who hurt that little girl?

This was not your father's plan.

He wants to see you twirl.

Oh, He loved to watch you twirl

Don't you see her watching you?

Trying to decide who to be.

When was the last time she twirled in the grass?

Does she know she's lovely?

He loves to watch her twirl.

He never wanted you to stop.

Take his hands and twirl.

Don't ever let her stop.

Diets and Dog Poo - Flu and the frozen puppy

I have had the flu.  I haven't felt very well for the past two weeks.  So, I've just eaten whatever and I sure haven't worked out. Not to mention that the tons of snow we've gotten has just been a little depressing!  Something about being snowed in the house just makes me want to wear pajamas all day, sit on the couch with a blanket, and eat everything in sight!  Am I the only one??
My routine is all off.  The kids have been out of school for a week and a half.  I haven't really had any of my daycare kids for that long as well.  Also, I spent a few days in a cold medicine stupor.  I am such a creature of habit.  If my routine gets off kilter, everything else does, too.  So, no healthy eating and exercise lately!  :-(  Hopefully it didn't put me too far behind my goal.  I will start back Monday with gusto!
And, then there is poor Ruth.  The temperatures have been well below 0 F the past couple of nights.  The silly dog refuses to go bed down in the barn on the open part of my brother-in-law's shop.  Oh, I forgot to mention that she has also figured out how to break out of her outdoor kennel that has a closed in area to protect from wind and cold.  I covered a laundry basket in a trash bag and put it up against the grill with a cardboard box around it and a blanket draped over to try to give her a place to lay that would be protected from the cold, but I worried about her so much!  This morning she seemed fine.  She was laying sprawled out on a patch of dry concrete, sunbathing.  I've been considering trying her indoors again.  Am I crazy???  I need a big, giant dog crate....

My spirtual project this year...

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

 I'm seeing a theme in my life.  It seems to go by years, for the most part.  God gives me a part of myself to work on and he throws little projects my way.  Last year was very much about learning humility, letting go of pride and forgiveness.

I'm pretty sure the above verse is what this year is all about.  I'd like to give a big shout out to one Joyce Meyer  for bringing the verse to my attention.  I love her, but man does she call me out sometimes via that TV broadcast in the mornings!

So, this will apply more to the ladies, but how many of you out there have that 1 or 2 people who you consider your "safe" people to talk to.  You know, you get highly irritated with someone, so you pick up the phone and call your BFF or your mom or your sister, maybe even your husband, and "vent."  After all, that doesn't count as gossip, right?  You know it won't go any further than that person, so it's safe to "vent."  And, by vent, I mean GRIPE and JUDGE and TALK BAD ABOUT BEHIND SOMEONE'S BACK.  I mean, sure, it may very well stop with that person, but does that make it ok? And, heck!  Sometimes we get so upset we don't care if the person we are talking to is "safe" or not!  We'll rant and rave to whoever is within ear shot... and then regret it later.

I'm not going to lie to you, I do it!  Sometimes it feels like I just HAVE to get something off my chest!  Someone is taking advantage of me, someone is doing things differently from how I think they should be done, someone hurt my feelings, or someone said something out of line to me.  All this is by MY standards.  But, honestly, how many times do we say a prayer for those people?  How many times do we stop and talk to God about the situation instead of grabbing the phone and sending a catty text to our "safe" person?  Because: A. That text isn't helping ANYONE.  and B. You gotta' be careful with those texts!  Sometimes they go to the wrong people!!!

I'm thinking that instead of judging someone for doing something differently than I think they should, I should see them through God's eyes!  I should realize that God loves this person immensely,  and he wants me to do the same.  I should do what I can to "cover" that person's sins.  I should help make up for their shortcomings where I can and realize that MY idea of a shortcoming is not everyone else's definition of the same.  When someone does something to really hurt me, I should talk to God first.  I should pray FOR that person that God might heal whatever is broken in them that made them act that way.

There's a fine line between being a good Christian and getting totally taken advantage of.  I think there have to be times when we stand up for ourselves and when we are open with people about how they are making us feel or if they are hurting us.  But, I think that we should really seek the Holy Spirit's guidance in how to handle those situations before we act on our impulses.  There's a humble way to approach someone and then there's anger, yelling and fits of rage that don't do ANY good!

Because, after all, the definition of gentle was once explained to me as this: Strength under control.  I have a ways to go, but I really am working on being less judgmental, thinking and praying before I react to others, and trying harder to help "cover" the sins of my sisters and brothers.  Because, God knows I have some things in me that I'd appreciate being covered instead of exposed!

Independent Woman

We are snowed in here with some of the deepest snow I've seen in a while!  My husband has been sick with what seems to be a sinus infection, so yesterday I got the job of tending to the fire in our wood stove.  Right before bed last night my daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, how do you know how to do that?"  I told her I was in Girls Scouts and that I'd just been raised with a fireplace.  She seemed in awe of the way I was moving the logs around to stir up the coals and make sure there was room for air to flow up and ignite the fresh logs.  She surprised me when my ten year old said: "Mom, you're an independent woman, huh?"  She said it with pride.  It kind of took me by surprise because I wouldn't use "independent" as one of the main adjectives to describe myself.  I said, "Well.  I guess so, Sis.  That's just how my mom raised me.  She always told me there might not always be a man around so you have to be able to take care of yourself."  I told her the story of how my mom made my dad show me how to change a tire before I was allowed to drive.  I used to tease my mom by saying, "Aww, mom.  I can always find a man to do it for me."  She HATED that! Haha.  I have never seen myself as independent as my mom.  I've seen her roof a house, hang drywall, make dinner and sew clothes.  Part of me didn't want to be like that.  Part of me wanted to be the "little woman" and have a man take care of me.  But, last night as I saw myself through the eyes of my daughter, I realized I was proud that she saw me in that light.  She's seen me wait on my husband, make his plates, fold the family's clothes, etc.  But, she also knows that I can build a fire, change a tire and check my own oil.  She is seeing that I am a woman, I am feminine and delicate, but I can also take care of myself if need be and that I will stand my ground when I believe in something.  She's seen me let things slide off my back, but she's seen me believe in things enough to go to bat - she's seen me do it for her.  So, that makes me just a little bit proud of the example I'm showing her.  And, it also made me more aware of the fact that she is ALWAYS watching me!