The moment I became the leader of this agency, it felt incredibly surreal to me. When our previous Director told me she was leaving in a private meeting, tears immediately fell from my eyes, which is something completely uncharacteristic of me in my professional environment. Of course, I had much affection for her and I can say I probably learned more from her than from anyone else in my Early Childhood career, but part of the unchecked emotion on my part was the realization that as the Assistant Director, the responsibility of the whole program was about to fall on my shoulders, at least temporarily.
I was not ready. That was something I had only thought about in future-tense... possibly.
When I was officially made Director, I felt unprepared. I felt like I wasn't old enough, I wasn't experienced enough... I felt like I wasn't anything-enough to do this job that feels so incredibly important to me. The only thing is, I am passionate enough.
I tell people that all the time. I'm not in this position because I know more or because I was the very best early childhood teacher of my day, or that I have the Head Start Act of 2007 memorized. I'm where I am at for one reason, alone. I'm here because God placed me here and in the hardest moments of this journey (and there have been HARD moments) when I wanted to leave, God told me no. He told me to stay put and I promised Him I would as long as He wanted me in this agency. I'm here because I am supposed to be here in this time and because he instilled a passion in me for this work when I was just a kid, myself.
My heart is breaking a little and I saw a post on social media from a friend telling me it is okay to "not be okay" right now and I finally allowed myself to just sit here and not be okay for a minute. I haven't given myself time for that. My heart is breaking because of my God-ordained passion for the children and families of our community who were already struggling and now are facing everything that comes with this COVID-19 Outbreak. My insides have been twisted in knots for almost two weeks as the decision of whether to close our doors or not seemed to rest on mainly my shoulders. I've wrestled with the moral dilemma of protecting our precious staff versus protecting our precious families and which decision would be the most protective of either or both of those sets of people, both of which have so much of my heart.
Was it better to close our doors or better to keep them open? At the end of the day we (it's never all on my shoulders, even if it sometimes feels that way. My team of people are the MOST AMAZING.) decided the best way to protect everyone was to close and even if that is the BEST decision, it doesn't feel like a good decision. Allowing myself to feel that right now and cry a little and acknowledge that from a personal, gut feeling instead of my usual professional, data-informed planning hat I wear, is therapeutic. Allowing myself to have the feelings that accompany partially discontinuing the services we are all so passionate about providing to our families is probably something everyone in this industry needs to allow themselves right now.
The thing I love so much about Head Start is that when you are in this, you are in a family. These people working in these programs, and all the programs that partner with us, have the most heart. Occasionally someone tries to come work in this without the heart for it and they don't last long because this work is hard! It is emotionally (and sometimes even physically) exhausting. Those of us who are appointed to it by powers higher than ourselves understand, though, to us it is WORTH IT.
I'm thankful to be one of the many leaders of these community service agencies scattered around our country right now. It's a hard time to have to make decisions, but it is a great time to be surrounded by the kind of people who work for us. Our staff are still being paid and we are pulling together to do everything we can to reach our families. Teachers are reading books online, Family Advocates are taking meals to families without transportation, staff are volunteering to work the phones to be available if our families need us. I know I am right where I am supposed to be, and I know we will all be "equipped with everything good" (Hebrews 13:21) for doing this work.
To everyone out there who is facing this same struggle as we make these hard decisions or as hard decisions are made for you, allow yourself to feel those feelings for just a moment. Acknowledge your worries and fears, but don't let them take hold of you and drag you down. We still have work to do! I was made to be right here at just this time in history, and so were you! And, we will get through this... Together.
