I lay there in my room, on my face, crying. God told me to get on my face. He did. I was sitting there crying and He said, "Get down there and pray!" So, I did. And I said to Him, "This is too much for me! This is my baby. This is my Achilles' heel!!" I was on my face and I was wallowing in my own self pity. I expected the God to meet me there who had met me in my grief at 15 years old and put John 14:27 on my heart forever. I'd expected to be held and coddled, but things weren't going my way.
My oldest had pretty routine surgery 3 days ago. Routine to all the rest of the world, but surgery is never routine to a Momma. I have slept in her floor at the foot of her bed for 3 nights, waking every 3 hours for meds. I've walked her to the bathroom, fretted over her, waited on her... I'm exhausted. And tonight she went downhill all of the sudden. It started with an upset stomach and escalated to periodic vomiting which quickly went to almost constant dry heaving and chills so I knew it was time to go to the hospital. Something wasn't right.
At some point in the beginning stages of this is when the fear crept in and began to strangle me a little, that's when I found myself in my room, on my face. And I didn't get a profound verse that magically popped in my mind or a wonderful song. I got a lecture. I got told, " Of course this is your weakness!" And then I got a verse. But not one to bring me peace. I got this one: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
And then God told me to get my butt back in that room and pray over my daughter. Basically: Why haven't you done that yet? Look up some healing verses and speak life in your child! Yes, you're weak. You're too weak to watch your baby hurt and be sick, but guess what? I'm not. When you need to be refreshed, come back here to me and pray for strength. But right now you have work to do in my name and you're acting like a weak little baby Christian instead of a powerful, anointed daughter of Christ.
Shooooot. What can you do after that? I wiped my nose. I went back in and I did as I was told. And I still cried some more after that as I watched her suffer with no way to help her, because seriously I'm not strong enough for that! But, as I sit in this ER, waiting on test results, I remember this verse:
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
His strength is made perfect in my weakness. So, I'm sitting in this ER exam room, watching my 16 year old baby finally resting, and I'm "delighting in my weaknesses, in this hardship, and in these difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2Co 12:10) And I'm thankful for not being coddled tonight even though that's what I was asking for. My God is good ALL THE TIME.