Great is thy faithfulness

 I shut my bible study book and felt ridiculous for the arrogance I have possessed in the past few years about my "knowledge" and "wisdom" about God.  It turns out I have so much to learn and it turns out I have yet to "arrive."


My mom told me that in your 30's you start to realize how much you really DON'T know.  However, when she told me that, I felt like I already realized how much I didn't know... because I was really wise for my age.  I am literally laughing at myself as I type this!!  I have no idea how much I don't know.  And, when, oh, when! will I realize that my mother really does know what she is talking about?


The past year or two has been one mean roller coaster for my husband and I.  I can't say they have been "bad" or "hard."  But, the ups and downs have left us both a little zapped and weak in the stomach metaphorically speaking.  There have been so many changes and neither of us are big on change.  We have lost loved ones and gained new loved ones.  Quit a job, started a business, bought a house.  We've been through legal battles, an adoption, hospital stays, surgeries... the list goes on...  Suffice it to say, our faith has been tested some.


I quit my job to focus on my school.  School that I really should have finished at 22 or so, but will be finishing at 30... so I took the long road!  I also quit because I had a baby last year.  Let me just tell you that with my first two children (who are from my first marriage), I would have given almost ANYTHING to have been able to stay at home with them rather than put them in child care.  But, it just wasn't a possibility.  I even went in to the child care profession, initially, so that I could be where they were all day.  It absolutely killed me to leave them every day.

So, this time, I started a child care home.  That way, I can supplement my husband's income some, still be at home with my own children, and also enjoy the profession that I love... working with kids.  It was a great idea, but it just wasn't panning out like we'd hoped.  We bought a house is June and we had planned for me to make enough, at least, to cover the house payment. It seemed like we were faced with one obstacle after another.  Nothing worked out how we expected and by December, I was looking at jobs online!  I felt like we just weren't making it and I didn't know what to do! 

So, here's what I did:  I basically said to God, "I don't trust you enough to ask you to  make this work.  I'm going to stick this one foot out the door and look at other options.  I'm going to see what I can do about this situation..."  I thought I would apply for some jobs and if I got offered the job, then I would know that God didn't want me doing the home child care thing.  But, here's the problem.  I already knew, deep down, what God wanted from me.  He wants me at home with my kids right now.  He wants me right where I am at. 

I had a parent ask me to care for her child part time and I didn't see how it would work out without losing money.  I needed a full time spot filled for us to really make it.  God asked me to do something.  He asked me to step out in faith and offer the position to the child.  I wrestled with this for a while and told myself it wasn't God talking to me.  I told myself I had to start looking out for me and learning to say no.  But, finally, I decided to trust God.  I offered the part time position to the child and guess what... the mom told me they had changed their minds and were just going to have some friends help them out.  I did not allow this to discourage me.  I said to myself, "God will reward me and He must just have something better to follow."

I decided to quit having one foot out the door.  I decided to commit, whole-heartedly to this business I had started and I made the decision to trust God to meet our needs.  I told my husband that.  I said, "I know this is where God wants me and I'm going to commit to this and I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make it happen."  The next day some discouraging things happened and my doubting husband said, "I'm about ready to just send you back to work."  I smiled.  "It's going to work out."

The very next day I had three people contact me about child care.  One of which was the parent that had declined my offer previously.  Two of them needed part time care and it worked out perfectly!  It pretty much equaled out to the one full time spot we needed filled and it even left my Thursday afternoons open enough to still take my daughter to dance!  As corny as this next part is, I have to say it.  My husband said that night, "Well, when it rains it pours." I replied, "When you pray it pours!"  Ha!!

God is so good and He will meet our every need... right down to the tiniest details, like Thursday afternoon dance classes.  He proves it to me over and over.  But, now, as I am in the homestretch toward being in my thirties, I think I'm finally learning to go to Him FIRST, before I try my own hand at fixing things!  Because, obviously, I still have a lot to learn!!

The Best Shower EVER

The other day I took the most amazing shower of my entire life.  Was I at a luxurious spa, you ask?  No, I was in my own bathroom.  Let me give you a little background information on this shower...
My daughter is a little over 13 months old.  In her short 13 months, she has had strep throat 5 times and numerous ear infections.  On her 1 year check-up, she had an ear infection that has still not subsided.  A couple of weeks later she got strep, we went back to the Dr. 10 days after that because she still had a fever, only to find out the ear infection was the culprit.
Then, about 2 weeks ago, she got RSV. I actually had to fight the Dr. to test her because they were treating her for the same ear infection and I knew something else was wrong.  So... we dealt with the fever, coughing, breathing treatments, medication that went with that, for about a week before she got worse.  I took her back to the Dr. to find out she had pneumonia.
Now, anyone who has dealt with a sick child understands the implications of what I'm telling you here.  I have endured over a month of sleepless nights, nights spent upright in a recliner, forcing medicine down a cranky one year old, holding her down for tests and shots, worrying constantly about her well being, and having another human being attached to me practically 24/7.  (This involves the art of doing almost everything with one hand... including things you do after you use the restroom that really require two.  Just saying...)  Suffice it to say, I WAS EXHAUSTED.
Here is an example of exactly how exhausted I was.  Last Wednesday, I took my baby girl to the Dr. with one of my daycare children (who is also 1) in tow.  I took her back to the hospital for x-rays and blood work, back to the Dr. office, to the pharmacy and then to Wal-Mart.  The Wal-Mart trip was insane because we were facing an ice storm the next day.  But, there were things we had to have, so I trekked through the crowd.  At 6:30, when I was heading home, I realized that I did not have the energy for dinner preparation, so I called in a pizza.  The girl who answered the phone asked for my telephone number and I drew a complete blank!!  I gave her a number and she asked me if I was "Charlie Somebody."  "Ummm, no.  Hang on.  My number is....  I'm sorry!  I promise I'm not crazy!  We just really don't use our home number much!"  She just sat there on the other end of the line, not saying a word.  Yikes!  I literally could not remember my phone number.  Picking up the pizza was a little humiliating, but also validating.  I wanted her to see, in person, that I was neither crazy OR drunk!
That night, as soon as my little sweet baby crashed, so did I!  Thursday, I drove back to the Dr for her second antibiotic shot.  Fun, fun!  There are a lot of other stressers here that I won't delve in to because they would get us way off track from the original story.  Let's just say: I was at peak stress levels.  That evening, after our Winter Storm was well under way, I finally got baby girl to sleep and I was trying to remember when I'd even had a shower.  Yes, I am admitting to you that along with forgetting my phone number, I could not remember when I'd had a shower last.  The days were starting to all blur together!!
I decided to forgoe the dishes and other housework that desperately needed my attention, and I headed to the bathroom for a nice hot shower.  I turned the hot water on, as is routine for me, and let it run for a minute to get the hot water piping in.  I got undressed and put my hand under the water... ICE COLD.  I hadn't been running the dishwasher, obviously, and it had been hours since the older kids had taken their showers.  I went to the hot water heater and it was not flaming underneath like it should have been if it was heating the water in the tank.
Yep.  We had let the propane run out... in the middle of a Winter storm.  Lovely!
The next day some things went on that had me very upset.  I had already had my Mommy moment, locked in the bathroom.  You moms know what I mean.  When you need a good cry, so you lock yourself in the bathroom.  And, inevitably the kids come knocking on the door and you try to disguise your voice so you sound "just fine."
I was talking on the phone to my mom and fighting tears when the propane delivery guy showed up.  I had not brushed my teeth or hair yet.  Lucky for me, I DID have a bra on.  I know he knew I had been crying; I could see the sympathy in his eyes, and I hated it!  I've always wished I was neither as transparent nor as sensitive as I am!!  But... I am. 
My mom came over.  She knew I needed her.  She brought food, tea, coffee and magazines!  My sweet husband took off at noon to come home.  He knew I needed him.
Later that day, after the water heated back up in our tank, and my baby girl was asleep with plenty of people to attend to her if she woke up, I headed to the bathroom.  I turned on the water and made it as steamy as I could stand it.  For about 15 minutes, I was alone, no one attached to me, no one needing me.  Unable to hear children bickering, phones ringing, or crying babies, I took the most amazing shower of my life.  I emerged from the steaming hot water a new woman, able to face whatever life threw at me!  It's amazing how much easier life is when you are clean!

I think of you...

I think of you when I am making Kool-Aid or when I make Macaroni & Cheese.  I think of you on the rare occasion I drink a Pepsi.  I think of you when I turn a fan on before bed at night.  I think of you every single year on your birthday.  I think of you when my memory is jogged by certain smells, certain songs and certain places I drive by.  I think of you every time, without fail.  I think of you so often, that I really don't notice it any more.  The memmories don't sting anymore like they used to.  I waited for the longest time for them to go away.  I thought eventually life would drown them out and I wouldn't think of you anymore.  But, now, I have come to terms with the thoughts.  They will never go away.  Of course, I think of you.  You were right beside me while I was becoming "me."  So, now I just smile whenever I think of you and know that... you will always be a part of me...

Let's put education and safety at the bottom of the barrel! For Sure.

So here in Oklahoma we are facing budget cuts in education and public safety.  Am I the only one that sees that as absolutely ridiculous??
My mother is a 3rd grade teacher.  They were just told that the district can no longer afford substitute teachers, so if a teacher has to take off, they just have to combine classrooms.  The teachers are glad to do this, because otherwise, they are facing layoffs.  Many districts are laying teachers off.  So... apparently this means classroom sizes are going to get larger.  One suggestion to help the budget was to take away some of the teacher's sick days.  Also, there is talk of reducing the 3 personal days teachers get a year.  (By-the-way, those of you who have the argument that teachers get 3 months off.  They don't.  They do not get paid for their time off.  And, if you ever figured up the actual hours a teacher puts in, most of their hourly wages would be surprisingly low!)
This makes me not even want my kids in public school anymore!  I think about homeschooling all the time!  How much good will it do them if teachers are having to combine classes and have much larger classrooms?  What about kids like my son that are not on an IP, don't have a severe learning problem, but need a little extra help?  I'm sure aids and paraprofessionals will be some of the first to be let go.
I know someone who was recently assaulted in a small town.  The police were not called.  Why?  Because, due to budget cuts, the police in that town were not on duty overnight. 
Is this really what we are coming to?  Are our priorities really this out of line in our great state?  Should the education of our children and the safety of our citizens not be of the utmost importance?  I just do not understand.  I am so disappointed in our state right now.

Apparently I am the sexist one!!!

I was raised by a rather feminist mother.  I rarely saw her fix my father's dinner plate or dote or wait on him.  I grew up seeing my father cook now and then and my mom roofing our house and doing a lot of the light handy work.  However, she maintained that you should never let on that you know how to mow the yard.  Because then, you'd have to start mowing the yard and apparently she doesn't think that would be a fun job.
Well, I grew up and got married.  (Twice now.  But, that's another blog.)  There have been plenty of times where I've spent a Saturday in the house cleaning, wishing I was the one outside on the mower or spraying off the sidewalk... anything but inside the house!!!  Somewhere along the way, despite my rather liberal mother, it became very ingrained in me that certain jobs are a woman's and certain jobs are a man's.  For instance: I don't take out the trash.  I just don't.  That's HIS job.  And, my husband grew up with a mother and father who played the parts of very traditional gender roles.  I doubt my husband ever saw his mom take out the trash or his dad do the dishes.
I'll be honest.  It irritates me when my husband expects me to take my car to get the oil changed, or doesn't put gas in my car, or won't get up in time to tend to our wood burning stove, leaving it for me.  Adversely, I feel very uncomfortable when he does things that I view as "my job."  Like, picking up around the house, wiping off kitchen counters, or mopping.  When he does these chores, I feel like a failure!  Like I should have already had it taken care of.
A few weeks ago, my sweet husband went on a cleaning spree in the kitchen and pulled the oven out, cleaned under and behind it, and also cleaned the sides of the oven.  That same night he moved the microwave to clean under it and mopped all the tile in the house.  And, while I was so grateful for the help, I was so uneasy!!  I was assuming that as he cleaned, he was secretly cursing me for being a bad wife who doesn't deep clean enough!  Obviously, my assumption stems from the fact that as I drop my van off to have the oil changed, I'm secretly complaining in my mind that I'm doing HIS job!
Last night I had a revelation!  My husband HATES tending to the wood stove in the house we just bought.  It is a big wood stove located outside our house, but feeds in to our central heat ducts.  It saves us a ton on our utility bills, but it is a bit of work.  Hubby finally kind of gave up on it.  I grew up with a fireplace and he didn't, so I just couldn't understand why he found it so difficult.  I decided I was going to start it back up.  As I walked out to start the fire, I said, "Okay, I'm going to go get the fire started."  My husband said, "Alright.  I'll start cleaning up the kitchen."  I was talking to my liberal Mom on the phone later on and, laughing, told her we had a little role reversal.  She said, "Been there and done that.  You gotta' play to your strengths, Babe."  It hit me like a ton of bricks! 
My husband is a neat freak.  I am not.  I am far too right brained.  For his sake, I try really hard to keep things neat and tidy, but it doesn't drive me crazy like it does him.  Therefore, he is better at cleaning than I am!  He enjoys getting things in order.  I hate mundane tasks that never end, like loading and unloading the dishwasher.  I actually enjoy the challenge of placing the wood in the stove just right and trying to keep the fire rolling.  So, what's wrong with him doing the dishes and me tending the fire??  Not one thing.
I'm always afraid that if I seem to self-sufficient, (Even though, I know I can be) my husband will feel not needed and will look for someone who does need him.  The fact of the matter is, though, I do need him!  I need him to do the dishes sometimes.  And, sometimes he needs me to tend the wood stove.
I don't think getting my oil changed will be a big deal anymore.  But... I'm still not taking out the trash!!

No one will love you like me??

At 19 I made a decision.  The decision was this: Either we get married or we break up. The decision was in reference to my high school boyfriend, who, since high school, had broken my heart, started using drugs, and was very co-dependent & possessive.  However, I loved him.  I loved him with all my heart and would have done anything had I thought we could make it!
But, I faced the reality that this was no longer high school and I could either stick by him, hope he overcame his problems, and eventually become his wife.... or... I could break it off.  To this day, breaking his heart is still one of the hardest things I have ever done!
I was not where I should have been with Christ at this point in my life.  I had run pretty far away from him, as a matter of fact.  But, he was still there in my heart and, in my heart, I knew this was what I had to do.  I won't go in to all the details, but I have never forgotten the words my broken hearted high school sweetheart said to me, through his tears: "No one will ever love you like I do."  For a very long time, I bought in to that.  I truly believed  at ages 16-19, I had experienced the greatest love of my life and everything else would pale in comparison.  I felt I was doomed to settle for the next best thing.
Fast forward to few years, and a divorce later, and I attended a bible study that would change my life forever!  I finally learned an amazing truth.  That void that I had been trying to fill with romantic love between myself and a man, was never meant to be filled by a man!  The intense desire we feel to be connected with someone on a deep, spiritual level is a desire God created in us FOR HIM.  It was like bells going off in my mind!!  Helllloooo!  Why did he create us?  Because he wanted companionship.  Because he loves us and wants to be near us.  He desires an intimate relationship with us.  And, I believe he created a special type of yearning in us women!
To date, this is the biggest revelation of my spiritual life!  Once I realized that God could fulfill my every need and I could be sublimely whole and happy without a romantic relationship, I felt so free and full of joy.  And, I believe God waited until after I learned this and put it in to practice in my life to put my husband in my path.  He is an amazing man, and there is no doubt in my mind that God created & molded him specifically for me.  Because God adores me and wants me to be blissfully happy!!

Falling In Love With Jesus, authors Dee Brestin and Kathy Troccoli
http://www.amazon.com/Falling-Abandoning-Yourself-Greatest-Romance/dp/0849943345/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263574662&sr=1-1

(This is a copy of my blog on my Heart Guardians website)

so... about this blogging stuff...

I decided to blog.  I have no idea if anyone will read this or not.  Honestly, that does not matter much to me.  I basically just want a forum to write. Writing is a passion of mine I have possessed since I was able to hold a pen.  I need an outlet right now and this seems to be the most viable option!  I write in my mind on a daily basis, so I have decided to quit using facebook as my tablet and I got a blog!  We'll see how it goes!