I shut my bible study book and felt ridiculous for the arrogance I have possessed in the past few years about my "knowledge" and "wisdom" about God. It turns out I have so much to learn and it turns out I have yet to "arrive."
My mom told me that in your 30's you start to realize how much you really DON'T know. However, when she told me that, I felt like I already realized how much I didn't know... because I was really wise for my age. I am literally laughing at myself as I type this!! I have no idea how much I don't know. And, when, oh, when! will I realize that my mother really does know what she is talking about?
The past year or two has been one mean roller coaster for my husband and I. I can't say they have been "bad" or "hard." But, the ups and downs have left us both a little zapped and weak in the stomach metaphorically speaking. There have been so many changes and neither of us are big on change. We have lost loved ones and gained new loved ones. Quit a job, started a business, bought a house. We've been through legal battles, an adoption, hospital stays, surgeries... the list goes on... Suffice it to say, our faith has been tested some.
I quit my job to focus on my school. School that I really should have finished at 22 or so, but will be finishing at 30... so I took the long road! I also quit because I had a baby last year. Let me just tell you that with my first two children (who are from my first marriage), I would have given almost ANYTHING to have been able to stay at home with them rather than put them in child care. But, it just wasn't a possibility. I even went in to the child care profession, initially, so that I could be where they were all day. It absolutely killed me to leave them every day.
So, this time, I started a child care home. That way, I can supplement my husband's income some, still be at home with my own children, and also enjoy the profession that I love... working with kids. It was a great idea, but it just wasn't panning out like we'd hoped. We bought a house is June and we had planned for me to make enough, at least, to cover the house payment. It seemed like we were faced with one obstacle after another. Nothing worked out how we expected and by December, I was looking at jobs online! I felt like we just weren't making it and I didn't know what to do!
So, here's what I did: I basically said to God, "I don't trust you enough to ask you to make this work. I'm going to stick this one foot out the door and look at other options. I'm going to see what I can do about this situation..." I thought I would apply for some jobs and if I got offered the job, then I would know that God didn't want me doing the home child care thing. But, here's the problem. I already knew, deep down, what God wanted from me. He wants me at home with my kids right now. He wants me right where I am at.
I had a parent ask me to care for her child part time and I didn't see how it would work out without losing money. I needed a full time spot filled for us to really make it. God asked me to do something. He asked me to step out in faith and offer the position to the child. I wrestled with this for a while and told myself it wasn't God talking to me. I told myself I had to start looking out for me and learning to say no. But, finally, I decided to trust God. I offered the part time position to the child and guess what... the mom told me they had changed their minds and were just going to have some friends help them out. I did not allow this to discourage me. I said to myself, "God will reward me and He must just have something better to follow."
I decided to quit having one foot out the door. I decided to commit, whole-heartedly to this business I had started and I made the decision to trust God to meet our needs. I told my husband that. I said, "I know this is where God wants me and I'm going to commit to this and I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make it happen." The next day some discouraging things happened and my doubting husband said, "I'm about ready to just send you back to work." I smiled. "It's going to work out."
The very next day I had three people contact me about child care. One of which was the parent that had declined my offer previously. Two of them needed part time care and it worked out perfectly! It pretty much equaled out to the one full time spot we needed filled and it even left my Thursday afternoons open enough to still take my daughter to dance! As corny as this next part is, I have to say it. My husband said that night, "Well, when it rains it pours." I replied, "When you pray it pours!" Ha!!
God is so good and He will meet our every need... right down to the tiniest details, like Thursday afternoon dance classes. He proves it to me over and over. But, now, as I am in the homestretch toward being in my thirties, I think I'm finally learning to go to Him FIRST, before I try my own hand at fixing things! Because, obviously, I still have a lot to learn!!
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