Our dating had been quick and had shown neither of us the true self of the other. I had married a charming, funny, charismatic, outgoing and entertaining man. That's all I really knew. Neither of us had a job when we got engaged. I was the only one with a vehicle. A two door sports car with one side of the front end smashed, still on my parents' insurance. I guess we both just assumed everything would work itself out.
God knows what he is doing, for sure! He put a stop to my drinking in a hurry. He knows me. He knows me far better than I know myself. He knew the moment I found out there was a child inside me, I would do anything for it. I stopped drinking. I wouldn't even drink caffeine or take Tylenol! I knew immediately that the year I'd spent acting like some other person was over. It was like a switch. All of the sudden I was a Mom. It is different for men, though. They don't have a little person growing inside them. It is not as real as it is for us. So, as I instantly morphed into Mommy, the gap between my husband and I immediately started growing, as did my expectations for him to suddenly become another person as well.
Each of us had our own expectations of what a marriage should be like, however we never discussed these expectations with each other. We really didn't discuss much of anything. We just assumed the other one realized our feelings and shared our expectations. As naive and ridiculous as it sounds, I assumed everyone's marriage was pretty close to my parent's. And, I think he assumed the same about his. So many assumptions!
Instead of growing closer together in the months to come, we just grew further and further apart. I had moved away from all of my friends and felt very alone in this new, bewildering role I had found myself in. I always knew I eventually wanted to get married and have children, but I hadn't put a lot of thought in to it. Some girls I knew had been planning their weddings since birth and had very solid ideas about the way they wanted to keep house and dress their children, etc, etc. I just hadn't given the details much thought. And, now, suddenly, I was a mother-to-be and a wife. The mother part came so very naturally to be. The wife part just did not! Honestly, I missed my roommates and my life back in the college town I had come from.
A never ending cycle of hurt and resentment ensued. I was not very good at being organized and keeping up with the house and laundry. He was not very good at being emotionally intimate. It was hard for him to let anyone in and be vulnerable, open or affectionate. We didn't talk about things, and slowly, the walls came up between us. He expected me to do things the way his mother did and I expected to be treated like I had by my father and ex-boyfriends. Now, that I am older and wiser, I can look back and see the immaturity on both our parts. His love language was not the same as mine. I express my love through touch. His love is expressed through acts of service. Things like keeping the house clean and doing laundry. It never occurred to either of us how we were hurting the other. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
The lack of communication between us meant the arguments were few, but the arguments we did have were usually monumental! And, usually ended with me walking out. Running back home to my Mommy and Daddy. But, other times, we had a lot of fun! As I said before, he is a very fun person! And, I grew to love his family so much. They took me in and treated me as if I had just always been a part of their family. The good times we had were very good and enough to make us stick it out for a while.
Our beautiful daughter was also enough. I can't say for sure that either of us really loved the other like we should have. Honestly, how could we? As little as we really knew about one another before jumping in to a "lifelong" commitment. But, we both loved her. And, the minute she was born, I filled all my empty spaces inside my heart with her!! There wasn't much left for him. Looking back, I now realize it had to be hard for him to deal with the jealousy he had to have felt over my infatuation with her, and then, the guilt over being jealous of his own daughter. But, I've come to realize that is a very common feeling for new dads. And, I had NEVER been so in love in my life! Instantly, I became a mom and it was everything to me. But, as I said before, the ache remained, regardless...
(to be cont)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
My God of Second Chances (Part 3)
I had been right. It was her. There were differing stories. All I knew for sure was that she had been life flighted and I had to get to her. On the way, I found out she had been shot it the face, but she was going to make it. As I walked in to the hospital, I will never forget the view as long as I live. I was met with what seemed like half of our little town in the waiting area. My Grandmother met me at the door with tears in her eyes. One of my friends who I'd left in the dust of my destrucion mouthed the words, "I love you," from accross the room. It was the beginning of my journey back to where I was supposed to be in life.
By the grace of God, my sister was given a second chance. And so were we. We would have never recovered from that loss. She spent a week in the hospital and underwent surgery and I watched my parent's sheer exhaustion from it all and wondered how on earth I could have risked putting them through such hurt and anguish myself. And, I felt like my problems that I had been so engrossed in were not so bad. Not so bad at all.
So, one week later, I came back to college and realized I was "late." My best friend made me go to Wal-Mart to get a test. I never dreamed it would be positive. We had been so careful! I burst in to tears and my first words were: "My dad's never going to talk to me again!" My friend assured me he would and that it would all be okay. She had just been through the same thing a year ago. I was living with her and her daughter! You would think I would have learned a lesson from that!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, there I sat. On a chair in my parents' living room, listening to my dad lecture me about how I was going to have to focus on school or they were going to make me come home. And, all I could think was, "How am I going to tell them this??" I started to cry. The crying got worse and worse until it bordered hysterics. My mom looked at me for a minute, then interrupted my dad to ask: "Are you pregnant?" Do not ask me how she knew that. But, those of you who are moms probably don't have to ask! There are some things we just know!
I nodded my head. My dad switched gears in an instant. "It's okay, Baby. It's okay. Everybody makes mistakes. It's going to be okay..... Hey! I'm gonna' be a grandpa!"
Then, I sat on the couch with my mom on one side and my dad on the other. None of us saying a word, all starring at the wall.... Two months later I stood with my dad on one side, my mom in the pew beside me, all staring at the preacher, and my future husband.
(To be cont.)
By the grace of God, my sister was given a second chance. And so were we. We would have never recovered from that loss. She spent a week in the hospital and underwent surgery and I watched my parent's sheer exhaustion from it all and wondered how on earth I could have risked putting them through such hurt and anguish myself. And, I felt like my problems that I had been so engrossed in were not so bad. Not so bad at all.
So, one week later, I came back to college and realized I was "late." My best friend made me go to Wal-Mart to get a test. I never dreamed it would be positive. We had been so careful! I burst in to tears and my first words were: "My dad's never going to talk to me again!" My friend assured me he would and that it would all be okay. She had just been through the same thing a year ago. I was living with her and her daughter! You would think I would have learned a lesson from that!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, there I sat. On a chair in my parents' living room, listening to my dad lecture me about how I was going to have to focus on school or they were going to make me come home. And, all I could think was, "How am I going to tell them this??" I started to cry. The crying got worse and worse until it bordered hysterics. My mom looked at me for a minute, then interrupted my dad to ask: "Are you pregnant?" Do not ask me how she knew that. But, those of you who are moms probably don't have to ask! There are some things we just know!
I nodded my head. My dad switched gears in an instant. "It's okay, Baby. It's okay. Everybody makes mistakes. It's going to be okay..... Hey! I'm gonna' be a grandpa!"
Then, I sat on the couch with my mom on one side and my dad on the other. None of us saying a word, all starring at the wall.... Two months later I stood with my dad on one side, my mom in the pew beside me, all staring at the preacher, and my future husband.
(To be cont.)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
My God of Second Chances (Part 2)
I was home for college for the weekend. I had news I had to tell my parents and it wasn't going to be fun. A week before that I found out I was pregnant. I was not married, by-the-way, and they had only just found out that I was dating the father. Exactly a week before that my sister had been shot in a school shooting and spent a week in the hospital. It was right before Christmas. I couldn't believe that I was doing this to them. Especially right then.
No one expected this from me! Everyone had fully expected me to go to college, start a super successful career, marry a handsome wealthy businessman, and then eventually have a couple of children to go with my fabulous life. I had the same expectation for myself! But, somewhere along the way, the expectations became too much for me. College was a lot harder than high school. On many levels.
I had spent the last year in a downward spiral. It started in November of 1998 when the love of my short life formed a drug addiction and left me to pursue it. I had my whole world tied up in him and in an instant it fell down around me. The next year was spent trying to erase the feelings I didn't want to feel. And, those feelings were never validated. When someone gets a divorce or has a loved one die, there is a great deal of ceremony and sympathy that goes with it. When an 18 year old girl breaks up with her high school sweetheart, it gets chalked up to "part of life." I was devastated, though. I had given him everything. Things I had meant to save for only one man. We spent the next few months dating on and off, not quite able to let go. But, I was already in self destruct mode. No one, besides maybe those living in close contact with me at the time, knew how serious things got.
I had discovered alcohol! And, it was an amazing anesthetic. The deep grief that I felt was alleviated and the strangling expectations and restraints I put on myself went away! I was hooked. And, at first it was fine. But, slowly I fell deeper and deeper in to it. I would do things, while drunk, that were completely out of my character. I would wake up in the morning and find it hard to live with myself, thinking of how I had behaved or what I had done, and I would need to drink again to alleviate the new list of things I was trying to forget. After a year of this, the drinking went from recreational to habitual and I was truly depressed.
I broke things off with him for good, and two months later I found myself pregnant! The guy I was with, I had known for years. He was one of my best friend's ex-boyfriends, for God's sake! Another thing I was trying to drown out. It was convenient. The girl he was living with was dating my cousin (and best friend). We all hung out. Life was one big party, with me trying to make sure I didn't feel anything at all.
Then one day I awoke to news of a shooting in my hometown. It was the first day of finals and I had spent the night before studying for an Algebra final. Just me and a 6 pack. Groggy, I tried to wrap my mind around the news on TV, talking about a girl being shot at the Middle School I had attended not so many years ago. Then, my heart sank in to my stomach. I just knew somehow. It was my baby sister. Then the call came in....
(To be Cont.)
No one expected this from me! Everyone had fully expected me to go to college, start a super successful career, marry a handsome wealthy businessman, and then eventually have a couple of children to go with my fabulous life. I had the same expectation for myself! But, somewhere along the way, the expectations became too much for me. College was a lot harder than high school. On many levels.
I had spent the last year in a downward spiral. It started in November of 1998 when the love of my short life formed a drug addiction and left me to pursue it. I had my whole world tied up in him and in an instant it fell down around me. The next year was spent trying to erase the feelings I didn't want to feel. And, those feelings were never validated. When someone gets a divorce or has a loved one die, there is a great deal of ceremony and sympathy that goes with it. When an 18 year old girl breaks up with her high school sweetheart, it gets chalked up to "part of life." I was devastated, though. I had given him everything. Things I had meant to save for only one man. We spent the next few months dating on and off, not quite able to let go. But, I was already in self destruct mode. No one, besides maybe those living in close contact with me at the time, knew how serious things got.
I had discovered alcohol! And, it was an amazing anesthetic. The deep grief that I felt was alleviated and the strangling expectations and restraints I put on myself went away! I was hooked. And, at first it was fine. But, slowly I fell deeper and deeper in to it. I would do things, while drunk, that were completely out of my character. I would wake up in the morning and find it hard to live with myself, thinking of how I had behaved or what I had done, and I would need to drink again to alleviate the new list of things I was trying to forget. After a year of this, the drinking went from recreational to habitual and I was truly depressed.
I broke things off with him for good, and two months later I found myself pregnant! The guy I was with, I had known for years. He was one of my best friend's ex-boyfriends, for God's sake! Another thing I was trying to drown out. It was convenient. The girl he was living with was dating my cousin (and best friend). We all hung out. Life was one big party, with me trying to make sure I didn't feel anything at all.
Then one day I awoke to news of a shooting in my hometown. It was the first day of finals and I had spent the night before studying for an Algebra final. Just me and a 6 pack. Groggy, I tried to wrap my mind around the news on TV, talking about a girl being shot at the Middle School I had attended not so many years ago. Then, my heart sank in to my stomach. I just knew somehow. It was my baby sister. Then the call came in....
(To be Cont.)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My God of Second Chances (Part 1)
THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WANTING TO WRITE FOR SOME TIME. IT IS NOT EASY, THOUGH, TO PUT IT OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE TO READ. MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT IT HELPS SOMEONE ELSE GET THROUGH THEIR OWN STRUGGLES. HERE GOES:
I lay there in bed, next to my husband, and I felt so alone. My body literally ached for someone's arms around it. He was sound asleep. He knew nothing of my tears and yet I blamed him for them. How could he be so cold? How could he not see the way I was hurting? How could he never wrap his arms around me? Never hold me? Never hold my hand or cuddle up with me on the couch? How in the world was I supposed to live through this aching emptiness I felt all over me? I thought about the next day. I would feel better in the morning.
In the day time, I poured my every affection in to my little daughter. She had become my world now and everything was about her. I counted down the seconds at work so that I could go get her and take her home. I left things around the house undone so that I could spend time playing with her and making sure that she was paid attention to at all times. I spent enormous amounts of time giving her baths and getting her ready for bed. I let her stay up too late so that I could be with her. And, oh, the joy I felt in taking care of this little being!! She was everything!
And, yet... the ache remained. And, that, I maintained, was his fault. It was his fault for being so cold and distant. It was his fault for not meeting my needs. And, that was the mindset of one 20 year old wife and mother...
Let's backtrack some. In High School I was not necessarily the girl that all the guys wanted to date. I was pretty enough. I had a decent personality, pretty smart... I was a little on the shy side and definitely a lot on the "good" side. I was probably more the type of girl that guys wanted to "end up with." Later. After they had sown the wild oats and gotten some things out of their system. Not to say that I was an angel. But, those things that weren't so good about me, most people knew nothing about. I made sure of that. And, of course, I dated. But, I was not one to "go all the way" and I'm sure that tended to get boring for the boys that were after that. But, I still got plenty of attention from the opposite sex. I pretty much always had.
I got plenty of attention from my dad, too. (And my mom, but for the purposes of this story, we'll just discuss my father.) He was quite doting and very affectionate. He never believed anyone was good enough for me and could not stand to see me upset. He would try to be mad at me, but as soon as I started to cry (not that I did it on purpose, I just cry VERY easily), he would cave and hold me and soften and tell me how everything would be alright.
That is exactly what happened the night I told him I was pregnant....
(To be continued)
I lay there in bed, next to my husband, and I felt so alone. My body literally ached for someone's arms around it. He was sound asleep. He knew nothing of my tears and yet I blamed him for them. How could he be so cold? How could he not see the way I was hurting? How could he never wrap his arms around me? Never hold me? Never hold my hand or cuddle up with me on the couch? How in the world was I supposed to live through this aching emptiness I felt all over me? I thought about the next day. I would feel better in the morning.
In the day time, I poured my every affection in to my little daughter. She had become my world now and everything was about her. I counted down the seconds at work so that I could go get her and take her home. I left things around the house undone so that I could spend time playing with her and making sure that she was paid attention to at all times. I spent enormous amounts of time giving her baths and getting her ready for bed. I let her stay up too late so that I could be with her. And, oh, the joy I felt in taking care of this little being!! She was everything!
And, yet... the ache remained. And, that, I maintained, was his fault. It was his fault for being so cold and distant. It was his fault for not meeting my needs. And, that was the mindset of one 20 year old wife and mother...
Let's backtrack some. In High School I was not necessarily the girl that all the guys wanted to date. I was pretty enough. I had a decent personality, pretty smart... I was a little on the shy side and definitely a lot on the "good" side. I was probably more the type of girl that guys wanted to "end up with." Later. After they had sown the wild oats and gotten some things out of their system. Not to say that I was an angel. But, those things that weren't so good about me, most people knew nothing about. I made sure of that. And, of course, I dated. But, I was not one to "go all the way" and I'm sure that tended to get boring for the boys that were after that. But, I still got plenty of attention from the opposite sex. I pretty much always had.
I got plenty of attention from my dad, too. (And my mom, but for the purposes of this story, we'll just discuss my father.) He was quite doting and very affectionate. He never believed anyone was good enough for me and could not stand to see me upset. He would try to be mad at me, but as soon as I started to cry (not that I did it on purpose, I just cry VERY easily), he would cave and hold me and soften and tell me how everything would be alright.
That is exactly what happened the night I told him I was pregnant....
(To be continued)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Note to Self
Dear Self,
Next time a baby has explosive diarrhea, let's don't try to throw the diaper in to the trash can from the changing table. A. You are not that great of a shot. (Remember those 3 years of trying to play basketball in Middle School?) B. Cleaning up little tiny droplets of brown "poo water" off the kitchen floor is NOT my idea of a good time at 8:00 am. C. Cleaning up said brown droplets makes drinking my morning coffee much less enjoyable.
Thanks for your time, Self. Talk to you soon!
Love,
ME
P.S. You know those plastic bags I keep above the changing table? Yea, those are for yucky diapers. Feel free to use them all you want!
Next time a baby has explosive diarrhea, let's don't try to throw the diaper in to the trash can from the changing table. A. You are not that great of a shot. (Remember those 3 years of trying to play basketball in Middle School?) B. Cleaning up little tiny droplets of brown "poo water" off the kitchen floor is NOT my idea of a good time at 8:00 am. C. Cleaning up said brown droplets makes drinking my morning coffee much less enjoyable.
Thanks for your time, Self. Talk to you soon!
Love,
ME
P.S. You know those plastic bags I keep above the changing table? Yea, those are for yucky diapers. Feel free to use them all you want!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Great is thy faithfulness
I shut my bible study book and felt ridiculous for the arrogance I have possessed in the past few years about my "knowledge" and "wisdom" about God. It turns out I have so much to learn and it turns out I have yet to "arrive."
My mom told me that in your 30's you start to realize how much you really DON'T know. However, when she told me that, I felt like I already realized how much I didn't know... because I was really wise for my age. I am literally laughing at myself as I type this!! I have no idea how much I don't know. And, when, oh, when! will I realize that my mother really does know what she is talking about?
The past year or two has been one mean roller coaster for my husband and I. I can't say they have been "bad" or "hard." But, the ups and downs have left us both a little zapped and weak in the stomach metaphorically speaking. There have been so many changes and neither of us are big on change. We have lost loved ones and gained new loved ones. Quit a job, started a business, bought a house. We've been through legal battles, an adoption, hospital stays, surgeries... the list goes on... Suffice it to say, our faith has been tested some.
I quit my job to focus on my school. School that I really should have finished at 22 or so, but will be finishing at 30... so I took the long road! I also quit because I had a baby last year. Let me just tell you that with my first two children (who are from my first marriage), I would have given almost ANYTHING to have been able to stay at home with them rather than put them in child care. But, it just wasn't a possibility. I even went in to the child care profession, initially, so that I could be where they were all day. It absolutely killed me to leave them every day.
So, this time, I started a child care home. That way, I can supplement my husband's income some, still be at home with my own children, and also enjoy the profession that I love... working with kids. It was a great idea, but it just wasn't panning out like we'd hoped. We bought a house is June and we had planned for me to make enough, at least, to cover the house payment. It seemed like we were faced with one obstacle after another. Nothing worked out how we expected and by December, I was looking at jobs online! I felt like we just weren't making it and I didn't know what to do!
So, here's what I did: I basically said to God, "I don't trust you enough to ask you to make this work. I'm going to stick this one foot out the door and look at other options. I'm going to see what I can do about this situation..." I thought I would apply for some jobs and if I got offered the job, then I would know that God didn't want me doing the home child care thing. But, here's the problem. I already knew, deep down, what God wanted from me. He wants me at home with my kids right now. He wants me right where I am at.
I had a parent ask me to care for her child part time and I didn't see how it would work out without losing money. I needed a full time spot filled for us to really make it. God asked me to do something. He asked me to step out in faith and offer the position to the child. I wrestled with this for a while and told myself it wasn't God talking to me. I told myself I had to start looking out for me and learning to say no. But, finally, I decided to trust God. I offered the part time position to the child and guess what... the mom told me they had changed their minds and were just going to have some friends help them out. I did not allow this to discourage me. I said to myself, "God will reward me and He must just have something better to follow."
I decided to quit having one foot out the door. I decided to commit, whole-heartedly to this business I had started and I made the decision to trust God to meet our needs. I told my husband that. I said, "I know this is where God wants me and I'm going to commit to this and I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make it happen." The next day some discouraging things happened and my doubting husband said, "I'm about ready to just send you back to work." I smiled. "It's going to work out."
The very next day I had three people contact me about child care. One of which was the parent that had declined my offer previously. Two of them needed part time care and it worked out perfectly! It pretty much equaled out to the one full time spot we needed filled and it even left my Thursday afternoons open enough to still take my daughter to dance! As corny as this next part is, I have to say it. My husband said that night, "Well, when it rains it pours." I replied, "When you pray it pours!" Ha!!
God is so good and He will meet our every need... right down to the tiniest details, like Thursday afternoon dance classes. He proves it to me over and over. But, now, as I am in the homestretch toward being in my thirties, I think I'm finally learning to go to Him FIRST, before I try my own hand at fixing things! Because, obviously, I still have a lot to learn!!
My mom told me that in your 30's you start to realize how much you really DON'T know. However, when she told me that, I felt like I already realized how much I didn't know... because I was really wise for my age. I am literally laughing at myself as I type this!! I have no idea how much I don't know. And, when, oh, when! will I realize that my mother really does know what she is talking about?
The past year or two has been one mean roller coaster for my husband and I. I can't say they have been "bad" or "hard." But, the ups and downs have left us both a little zapped and weak in the stomach metaphorically speaking. There have been so many changes and neither of us are big on change. We have lost loved ones and gained new loved ones. Quit a job, started a business, bought a house. We've been through legal battles, an adoption, hospital stays, surgeries... the list goes on... Suffice it to say, our faith has been tested some.
I quit my job to focus on my school. School that I really should have finished at 22 or so, but will be finishing at 30... so I took the long road! I also quit because I had a baby last year. Let me just tell you that with my first two children (who are from my first marriage), I would have given almost ANYTHING to have been able to stay at home with them rather than put them in child care. But, it just wasn't a possibility. I even went in to the child care profession, initially, so that I could be where they were all day. It absolutely killed me to leave them every day.
So, this time, I started a child care home. That way, I can supplement my husband's income some, still be at home with my own children, and also enjoy the profession that I love... working with kids. It was a great idea, but it just wasn't panning out like we'd hoped. We bought a house is June and we had planned for me to make enough, at least, to cover the house payment. It seemed like we were faced with one obstacle after another. Nothing worked out how we expected and by December, I was looking at jobs online! I felt like we just weren't making it and I didn't know what to do!
So, here's what I did: I basically said to God, "I don't trust you enough to ask you to make this work. I'm going to stick this one foot out the door and look at other options. I'm going to see what I can do about this situation..." I thought I would apply for some jobs and if I got offered the job, then I would know that God didn't want me doing the home child care thing. But, here's the problem. I already knew, deep down, what God wanted from me. He wants me at home with my kids right now. He wants me right where I am at.
I had a parent ask me to care for her child part time and I didn't see how it would work out without losing money. I needed a full time spot filled for us to really make it. God asked me to do something. He asked me to step out in faith and offer the position to the child. I wrestled with this for a while and told myself it wasn't God talking to me. I told myself I had to start looking out for me and learning to say no. But, finally, I decided to trust God. I offered the part time position to the child and guess what... the mom told me they had changed their minds and were just going to have some friends help them out. I did not allow this to discourage me. I said to myself, "God will reward me and He must just have something better to follow."
I decided to quit having one foot out the door. I decided to commit, whole-heartedly to this business I had started and I made the decision to trust God to meet our needs. I told my husband that. I said, "I know this is where God wants me and I'm going to commit to this and I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make it happen." The next day some discouraging things happened and my doubting husband said, "I'm about ready to just send you back to work." I smiled. "It's going to work out."
The very next day I had three people contact me about child care. One of which was the parent that had declined my offer previously. Two of them needed part time care and it worked out perfectly! It pretty much equaled out to the one full time spot we needed filled and it even left my Thursday afternoons open enough to still take my daughter to dance! As corny as this next part is, I have to say it. My husband said that night, "Well, when it rains it pours." I replied, "When you pray it pours!" Ha!!
God is so good and He will meet our every need... right down to the tiniest details, like Thursday afternoon dance classes. He proves it to me over and over. But, now, as I am in the homestretch toward being in my thirties, I think I'm finally learning to go to Him FIRST, before I try my own hand at fixing things! Because, obviously, I still have a lot to learn!!
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Best Shower EVER
The other day I took the most amazing shower of my entire life. Was I at a luxurious spa, you ask? No, I was in my own bathroom. Let me give you a little background information on this shower...
My daughter is a little over 13 months old. In her short 13 months, she has had strep throat 5 times and numerous ear infections. On her 1 year check-up, she had an ear infection that has still not subsided. A couple of weeks later she got strep, we went back to the Dr. 10 days after that because she still had a fever, only to find out the ear infection was the culprit.
Then, about 2 weeks ago, she got RSV. I actually had to fight the Dr. to test her because they were treating her for the same ear infection and I knew something else was wrong. So... we dealt with the fever, coughing, breathing treatments, medication that went with that, for about a week before she got worse. I took her back to the Dr. to find out she had pneumonia.
Now, anyone who has dealt with a sick child understands the implications of what I'm telling you here. I have endured over a month of sleepless nights, nights spent upright in a recliner, forcing medicine down a cranky one year old, holding her down for tests and shots, worrying constantly about her well being, and having another human being attached to me practically 24/7. (This involves the art of doing almost everything with one hand... including things you do after you use the restroom that really require two. Just saying...) Suffice it to say, I WAS EXHAUSTED.
Here is an example of exactly how exhausted I was. Last Wednesday, I took my baby girl to the Dr. with one of my daycare children (who is also 1) in tow. I took her back to the hospital for x-rays and blood work, back to the Dr. office, to the pharmacy and then to Wal-Mart. The Wal-Mart trip was insane because we were facing an ice storm the next day. But, there were things we had to have, so I trekked through the crowd. At 6:30, when I was heading home, I realized that I did not have the energy for dinner preparation, so I called in a pizza. The girl who answered the phone asked for my telephone number and I drew a complete blank!! I gave her a number and she asked me if I was "Charlie Somebody." "Ummm, no. Hang on. My number is.... I'm sorry! I promise I'm not crazy! We just really don't use our home number much!" She just sat there on the other end of the line, not saying a word. Yikes! I literally could not remember my phone number. Picking up the pizza was a little humiliating, but also validating. I wanted her to see, in person, that I was neither crazy OR drunk!
That night, as soon as my little sweet baby crashed, so did I! Thursday, I drove back to the Dr for her second antibiotic shot. Fun, fun! There are a lot of other stressers here that I won't delve in to because they would get us way off track from the original story. Let's just say: I was at peak stress levels. That evening, after our Winter Storm was well under way, I finally got baby girl to sleep and I was trying to remember when I'd even had a shower. Yes, I am admitting to you that along with forgetting my phone number, I could not remember when I'd had a shower last. The days were starting to all blur together!!
I decided to forgoe the dishes and other housework that desperately needed my attention, and I headed to the bathroom for a nice hot shower. I turned the hot water on, as is routine for me, and let it run for a minute to get the hot water piping in. I got undressed and put my hand under the water... ICE COLD. I hadn't been running the dishwasher, obviously, and it had been hours since the older kids had taken their showers. I went to the hot water heater and it was not flaming underneath like it should have been if it was heating the water in the tank.
Yep. We had let the propane run out... in the middle of a Winter storm. Lovely!
The next day some things went on that had me very upset. I had already had my Mommy moment, locked in the bathroom. You moms know what I mean. When you need a good cry, so you lock yourself in the bathroom. And, inevitably the kids come knocking on the door and you try to disguise your voice so you sound "just fine."
I was talking on the phone to my mom and fighting tears when the propane delivery guy showed up. I had not brushed my teeth or hair yet. Lucky for me, I DID have a bra on. I know he knew I had been crying; I could see the sympathy in his eyes, and I hated it! I've always wished I was neither as transparent nor as sensitive as I am!! But... I am.
My mom came over. She knew I needed her. She brought food, tea, coffee and magazines! My sweet husband took off at noon to come home. He knew I needed him.
Later that day, after the water heated back up in our tank, and my baby girl was asleep with plenty of people to attend to her if she woke up, I headed to the bathroom. I turned on the water and made it as steamy as I could stand it. For about 15 minutes, I was alone, no one attached to me, no one needing me. Unable to hear children bickering, phones ringing, or crying babies, I took the most amazing shower of my life. I emerged from the steaming hot water a new woman, able to face whatever life threw at me! It's amazing how much easier life is when you are clean!
My daughter is a little over 13 months old. In her short 13 months, she has had strep throat 5 times and numerous ear infections. On her 1 year check-up, she had an ear infection that has still not subsided. A couple of weeks later she got strep, we went back to the Dr. 10 days after that because she still had a fever, only to find out the ear infection was the culprit.
Then, about 2 weeks ago, she got RSV. I actually had to fight the Dr. to test her because they were treating her for the same ear infection and I knew something else was wrong. So... we dealt with the fever, coughing, breathing treatments, medication that went with that, for about a week before she got worse. I took her back to the Dr. to find out she had pneumonia.
Now, anyone who has dealt with a sick child understands the implications of what I'm telling you here. I have endured over a month of sleepless nights, nights spent upright in a recliner, forcing medicine down a cranky one year old, holding her down for tests and shots, worrying constantly about her well being, and having another human being attached to me practically 24/7. (This involves the art of doing almost everything with one hand... including things you do after you use the restroom that really require two. Just saying...) Suffice it to say, I WAS EXHAUSTED.
Here is an example of exactly how exhausted I was. Last Wednesday, I took my baby girl to the Dr. with one of my daycare children (who is also 1) in tow. I took her back to the hospital for x-rays and blood work, back to the Dr. office, to the pharmacy and then to Wal-Mart. The Wal-Mart trip was insane because we were facing an ice storm the next day. But, there were things we had to have, so I trekked through the crowd. At 6:30, when I was heading home, I realized that I did not have the energy for dinner preparation, so I called in a pizza. The girl who answered the phone asked for my telephone number and I drew a complete blank!! I gave her a number and she asked me if I was "Charlie Somebody." "Ummm, no. Hang on. My number is.... I'm sorry! I promise I'm not crazy! We just really don't use our home number much!" She just sat there on the other end of the line, not saying a word. Yikes! I literally could not remember my phone number. Picking up the pizza was a little humiliating, but also validating. I wanted her to see, in person, that I was neither crazy OR drunk!
That night, as soon as my little sweet baby crashed, so did I! Thursday, I drove back to the Dr for her second antibiotic shot. Fun, fun! There are a lot of other stressers here that I won't delve in to because they would get us way off track from the original story. Let's just say: I was at peak stress levels. That evening, after our Winter Storm was well under way, I finally got baby girl to sleep and I was trying to remember when I'd even had a shower. Yes, I am admitting to you that along with forgetting my phone number, I could not remember when I'd had a shower last. The days were starting to all blur together!!
I decided to forgoe the dishes and other housework that desperately needed my attention, and I headed to the bathroom for a nice hot shower. I turned the hot water on, as is routine for me, and let it run for a minute to get the hot water piping in. I got undressed and put my hand under the water... ICE COLD. I hadn't been running the dishwasher, obviously, and it had been hours since the older kids had taken their showers. I went to the hot water heater and it was not flaming underneath like it should have been if it was heating the water in the tank.
Yep. We had let the propane run out... in the middle of a Winter storm. Lovely!
The next day some things went on that had me very upset. I had already had my Mommy moment, locked in the bathroom. You moms know what I mean. When you need a good cry, so you lock yourself in the bathroom. And, inevitably the kids come knocking on the door and you try to disguise your voice so you sound "just fine."
I was talking on the phone to my mom and fighting tears when the propane delivery guy showed up. I had not brushed my teeth or hair yet. Lucky for me, I DID have a bra on. I know he knew I had been crying; I could see the sympathy in his eyes, and I hated it! I've always wished I was neither as transparent nor as sensitive as I am!! But... I am.
My mom came over. She knew I needed her. She brought food, tea, coffee and magazines! My sweet husband took off at noon to come home. He knew I needed him.
Later that day, after the water heated back up in our tank, and my baby girl was asleep with plenty of people to attend to her if she woke up, I headed to the bathroom. I turned on the water and made it as steamy as I could stand it. For about 15 minutes, I was alone, no one attached to me, no one needing me. Unable to hear children bickering, phones ringing, or crying babies, I took the most amazing shower of my life. I emerged from the steaming hot water a new woman, able to face whatever life threw at me! It's amazing how much easier life is when you are clean!
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