For A Time Such As This

I am the leader of a non-profit Head Start agency in our community.  Some people may think that is a daycare, but it is not.  Head Start is an agency that falls under the Health and Human Services department of the government and while we do take care of young children every day and do lots of learning activities, we are neither a school or a daycare.  We are a program that takes whole families in, especially vulnerable families, and wraps them up in services and resources they need in order to make sure these precious babies have everything they need to be ready for school.  As I type that, I am crying.

The moment I became the leader of this agency, it felt incredibly surreal to me.  When our previous Director told me she was leaving in a private meeting, tears immediately fell from my eyes, which is something completely uncharacteristic of me in my professional environment.  Of course, I had much affection for her and I can say I probably learned more from her than from anyone else in my Early Childhood career, but part of the unchecked emotion on my part was the realization that as the Assistant Director, the responsibility of the whole program was about to fall on my shoulders, at least temporarily.

I was not ready.  That was something I had only thought about in future-tense... possibly.

When I was officially made Director, I felt unprepared.  I felt like I wasn't old enough, I wasn't experienced enough... I felt like I wasn't anything-enough to do this job that feels so incredibly important to me.  The only thing is, I am passionate enough.

I tell people that all the time.  I'm not in this position because I know more or because I was the very best early childhood teacher of my day, or that I have the Head Start Act of 2007 memorized.  I'm where I am at for one reason, alone.   I'm here because God placed me here and in the hardest moments of this journey (and there have been HARD moments) when I wanted to leave, God told me no.  He told me to stay put and I promised Him I would as long as He wanted me in this agency.  I'm here because I am supposed to be here in this time and because he instilled a passion in me for this work when I was just a kid, myself.

My heart is breaking a little and I saw a post on social media from a friend telling me it is okay to "not be okay" right now and I finally allowed myself to just sit here and not be okay for a minute.  I haven't given myself time for that.  My heart is breaking because of my God-ordained passion for the children and families of our community who were already struggling and now are facing everything that comes with this COVID-19 Outbreak.  My insides have been twisted in knots for almost two weeks as the decision of whether to close our doors or not seemed to rest on mainly my shoulders.  I've wrestled with the moral dilemma of protecting our precious staff versus protecting our precious families and which decision would be the most protective of either or both of those sets of people, both of which have so much of my heart.  

Was it better to close our doors or better to keep them open?  At the end of the day we (it's never all on my shoulders, even if it sometimes feels that way.  My team of people are the MOST AMAZING.) decided the best way to protect everyone was to close and even if that is the BEST decision, it doesn't feel like a good decision.  Allowing myself to feel that right now and cry a little and acknowledge that from a personal, gut feeling instead of my usual professional, data-informed planning hat I wear, is therapeutic.  Allowing myself to have the feelings that accompany partially discontinuing the services we are all so passionate about providing to our families is probably something everyone in this industry needs to allow themselves right now.

The thing I love so much about Head Start is that when you are in this, you are in a family.  These people working in these programs, and all the programs that partner with us, have the most heart.  Occasionally someone tries to come work in this without the heart for it and they don't last long because this work is hard!  It is emotionally (and sometimes even physically) exhausting.  Those of us who are appointed to it by powers higher than ourselves understand, though, to us it is WORTH IT.  

I'm thankful to be one of the many leaders of these community service agencies scattered around our country right now.  It's a hard time to have to make decisions, but it is a great time to be surrounded by the kind of people who work for us.  Our staff are still being paid and we are pulling together to do everything we can to reach our families.  Teachers are reading books online, Family Advocates are taking meals to families without transportation, staff are volunteering to work the phones to be available if our families need us.    I know I am right where I am supposed to be, and I know we will all be "equipped with everything good" (Hebrews 13:21) for doing this work.

To everyone out there who is facing this same struggle as we make these hard decisions or as hard decisions are made for you, allow yourself to feel those feelings for just a moment.  Acknowledge your worries and fears, but don't let them take hold of you and drag you down.  We still have work to do!  I was made to be right here at just this time in history, and so were you!  And, we will get through this... Together. 

My Head Start

--> I began today by witnessing an Oklahoma sunrise from an airplane.  It was beautiful.  It was a blessing. 
My passion for traveling and seeing new places was cultivated not long after my passion for wanting to help underprivileged children - when I was just a kid myself.  I had as close to an ideal upbringing as you can have, but something in me was stirred by the thought of a population of children who were downtrodden and starting out with less than what I had.  Why should they have any less than I?  At age 12 I decided to go in to a field that would benefit children and families.

At age 13 I took my first plane ride to Florida.  I fell instantly in love with experiencing the different way of life and culture there.  I was invigorated by seeing our great country from 30,000 feet, tasting new cuisine, and taking part in other's people's customs and rituals.  From a very young age the human mind was the most interesting thing in the world to me and while other children in middle school and high school were reading mostly teen magazines, I was secretly looking up subjects in encyclopedias and practically memorizing a book of behavioral health disorders.  I think one of the biggest reasons traveling intrigued me so, was that I loved to study people and what created their personalities and habits.  I loved to analyze which aspects were environmental and which were genetic.  I loved the way being from one region or another could shape everything about the humans there.

Such as it is with so many people, my big career plans veered off course.  My dreams of being a child and family therapist were shattered when I finally came to the realization that I would never have the capacity to separate myself enough, emotionally, from my clients to perform those duties.  I left college in the middle of my sophomore year, and  by age 23 I found myself to be a young single mother working in a small child care center in my hometown, very far away from my initial goals for myself.  I ended up in child care quite by happenstance, wanting to be able to work where my children were spending the majority of their days.

I remember distinctly, though, the moment I realized that I had fallen into the career path I was supposed to be in.  I happened to be  cleaning a bathroom at that moment.  I was cleaning and thinking and it dawned on  me that I loved what I was doing. I loved the capacity that I was able to work with the children in my care and I very deeply believed in the difference we were able to make for them in those early years.  I also saw the difference I was able to make by forging relationships with the families of those children - the load it took off their shoulders to be able to truly believe in the quality of care their child received while in the parents' absence.  It was admittedly difficult for the pride of a straight A student who had dreamed for over a decade of a reputable career as a child psychologist to take on a servant-hood role as a child care provider. But, pride or not, the feeling that I was right where I was supposed to be and was making a difference in the lives of children was worth more to me than my pride.  And, while I knew there was a general lack of respect for child care workers to be seen as professionals, I set out to disprove that misconception and strove to do my best at every aspect of my profession - even cleaning bathrooms.  Because ultimately, the cleanliness of a bathroom was still contributing to the health and well being of the children.

There were times along the way, as I dreamed of finishing the degree I started and watched my peers slowly graduating college and starting their lives off on much better footing that I had, that I thought, "Why me?"  Why was I the one who ended up pregnant in college and looked down on by everyone?  As if I was doing anything that 95% of college students weren't!  As much as I adored my own children, parts of me were bitter about the hand I'd been dealt, especially in moments when I sat and tried to decide which bills to pay and which bills could be put off a little while so I could buy them food.  Especially in moments when I'd run in to someone at the grocery store who was just home visiting for the weekend and we'd quickly run out of things to talk about as I pacified my small children in the cart.  Things seemed unfair sometimes.

It wasn't long, though, before the reason for my struggles became evident in my career.  I moved up the supervisory path fairly quickly.  I don't believe that is because I was the greatest teacher in the world or because I was necessarily the best at what I did.  I think, more than anything, it was just because of the passion burning in me for my job.  Working in a classroom of 3 and 4 year olds was never "just a job" to me or a "stepping stone" to something else.  It was very truly something I loved to do and something that made me get out of bed every day excited to go to work.  It wasn't always easy and it had moments that weren't especially fun.  (I.E.  No one really enjoys cleaning up puke or working 11 hour shifts because someone called in.)  When I touched a single mother's arm who was dropping her child off in the morning, and was clearly upset, I was able to look in her eyes and with all sincerity say, "I know how you feel, and I promise it gets better!"  Had I not had my own life experiences to pull from, I would not be near as good at my job.  I never ask, "Why me?" now.  I know exactly why.

My years in early childhood eventually led me to finishing my degree and accepting an administrative position in a Head Start program.  My son had been in head start for a year, so I was vaguely familiar with it, but once in the door I realized I had a lot to learn!  I also realized that all my years and experiences had led up to this.  The passion to help children and families was a perfect fit for everything that Head Start stands for.  And, now, after almost 3 years, Head Start is in my veins.  I believe in it.  I believe in everything it stands for and I believe that every day when I go to work I'm making a difference.  I didn't leave the classroom to be an administrator because I was "burned out" or tired of teaching.  It was actually a hard decision for me because there is almost nothing I love more than a good conversation with a preschool age child.  I left because I realized the difference I could make would expand from one classroom a year to hundreds of children a year.  (Those are some wise words from my director.)

So, now, here I sit in a hotel in downtown Washington D.C., in front of a window overlooking a bustling street outside.  The energy here is palpable and it feels like a place where change is possible and you get a sense of the great things that have happened here in our nation's history.  In my  career I have been so incredibly blessed to travel all over the country to trainings, coupling two of my great loves - learning about child development and seeing new places.  I've had the great privilege to travel to Chicago, Los Angeles, Dallas, Shreveport, and various other places in between.  This is my second time to come to D.C. and this year I have the unprecedented experience of being here for the National Head Start Association Conference while we celebrate the 50th anniversary of Head Start.  As much fun as traveling is, I also feel the weight of the responsibility that comes along with that.  The resources it takes to send me here can't be wasted!  I have a duty to learn all I can and bring it back and translate it to my program back in the mid-west.  I am honored to be chosen to take on that responsibility.

I know this job will never translate in to great wealth for me, monetarily speaking.  But, I guess if money is what drove me I'd not be here to begin with.  And, this will never just be a job to me, anyway.  It is my life's work; it is what I've dreamed of doing since I was 12 years old - just in a different capacity than I had planned.  As much as I hope I've been and will continue to be a blessing to other's lives, even if indirectly, I know that this career has shaped me and blessed me more than I deserve.  I know as I enter the conference tomorrow, I will be overwhelmed by the number of people just like me, who represent hundreds more, who have devoted their lives to this cause.  Many, of whom are a product of this agency we call Head Start.  I know no matter where life leads me from here on out, I will continue to advocate for and support this program because I've seen first hand how many lives it has shaped - including mine.