For A Time Such As This

I am the leader of a non-profit Head Start agency in our community.  Some people may think that is a daycare, but it is not.  Head Start is an agency that falls under the Health and Human Services department of the government and while we do take care of young children every day and do lots of learning activities, we are neither a school or a daycare.  We are a program that takes whole families in, especially vulnerable families, and wraps them up in services and resources they need in order to make sure these precious babies have everything they need to be ready for school.  As I type that, I am crying.

The moment I became the leader of this agency, it felt incredibly surreal to me.  When our previous Director told me she was leaving in a private meeting, tears immediately fell from my eyes, which is something completely uncharacteristic of me in my professional environment.  Of course, I had much affection for her and I can say I probably learned more from her than from anyone else in my Early Childhood career, but part of the unchecked emotion on my part was the realization that as the Assistant Director, the responsibility of the whole program was about to fall on my shoulders, at least temporarily.

I was not ready.  That was something I had only thought about in future-tense... possibly.

When I was officially made Director, I felt unprepared.  I felt like I wasn't old enough, I wasn't experienced enough... I felt like I wasn't anything-enough to do this job that feels so incredibly important to me.  The only thing is, I am passionate enough.

I tell people that all the time.  I'm not in this position because I know more or because I was the very best early childhood teacher of my day, or that I have the Head Start Act of 2007 memorized.  I'm where I am at for one reason, alone.   I'm here because God placed me here and in the hardest moments of this journey (and there have been HARD moments) when I wanted to leave, God told me no.  He told me to stay put and I promised Him I would as long as He wanted me in this agency.  I'm here because I am supposed to be here in this time and because he instilled a passion in me for this work when I was just a kid, myself.

My heart is breaking a little and I saw a post on social media from a friend telling me it is okay to "not be okay" right now and I finally allowed myself to just sit here and not be okay for a minute.  I haven't given myself time for that.  My heart is breaking because of my God-ordained passion for the children and families of our community who were already struggling and now are facing everything that comes with this COVID-19 Outbreak.  My insides have been twisted in knots for almost two weeks as the decision of whether to close our doors or not seemed to rest on mainly my shoulders.  I've wrestled with the moral dilemma of protecting our precious staff versus protecting our precious families and which decision would be the most protective of either or both of those sets of people, both of which have so much of my heart.  

Was it better to close our doors or better to keep them open?  At the end of the day we (it's never all on my shoulders, even if it sometimes feels that way.  My team of people are the MOST AMAZING.) decided the best way to protect everyone was to close and even if that is the BEST decision, it doesn't feel like a good decision.  Allowing myself to feel that right now and cry a little and acknowledge that from a personal, gut feeling instead of my usual professional, data-informed planning hat I wear, is therapeutic.  Allowing myself to have the feelings that accompany partially discontinuing the services we are all so passionate about providing to our families is probably something everyone in this industry needs to allow themselves right now.

The thing I love so much about Head Start is that when you are in this, you are in a family.  These people working in these programs, and all the programs that partner with us, have the most heart.  Occasionally someone tries to come work in this without the heart for it and they don't last long because this work is hard!  It is emotionally (and sometimes even physically) exhausting.  Those of us who are appointed to it by powers higher than ourselves understand, though, to us it is WORTH IT.  

I'm thankful to be one of the many leaders of these community service agencies scattered around our country right now.  It's a hard time to have to make decisions, but it is a great time to be surrounded by the kind of people who work for us.  Our staff are still being paid and we are pulling together to do everything we can to reach our families.  Teachers are reading books online, Family Advocates are taking meals to families without transportation, staff are volunteering to work the phones to be available if our families need us.    I know I am right where I am supposed to be, and I know we will all be "equipped with everything good" (Hebrews 13:21) for doing this work.

To everyone out there who is facing this same struggle as we make these hard decisions or as hard decisions are made for you, allow yourself to feel those feelings for just a moment.  Acknowledge your worries and fears, but don't let them take hold of you and drag you down.  We still have work to do!  I was made to be right here at just this time in history, and so were you!  And, we will get through this... Together. 

I Already Know

I made it through first day of senior  year without a tear.  It is just September, I know, but I've  been  proud of myself so far.  No tears on the last school picture day - no tears on cap and gown order day.

My  eighteen year old just walked out the door for school and said, "Bye Mamma.  Love you."  And, that, my friends, almost melted me in the fetal position in the floor.  It just hit me some kind of way this morning.  Sure, I'll miss those once a year school picture days and next year if she is not in the first day of school picture (if I know her, though, she'll be in it!) I will be sad.  But, I already know.  I already know those are not the things that will break my heart when she leaves.  Those are not the things I will miss the most.  

I'll miss hearing "Mamma."  I'll miss the casual goodbye as she walks out the door.  I'll miss her coming in from the day and telling me the latest thing that has happened.  I'll miss walking in her room to ask if my outfit is okay.  I'll miss walking by her room at night and seeing her in her bed with a pillow over her face.  I'll miss her clothes in my laundry hamper.  I'll miss her coming and plopping down on my lap when she's had a particularly long day and needs me.  I'll miss her being in her spot at the dinner table and I'll miss her lactose free milk in the fridge.  

She is my first.  I don't know why I started thinking about all this the moment she was born.  I immediately knew that someday when she left me it would feel a little like having my heart ripped out.  I just did not realize how quickly it would come.  

I held her too much when she was a baby.  I let her sleep with me for too long.  I made her plate for her for too many years. Too many times I set aside my housework to play with her instead.  I don't regret it one little bit, though.  Because, even back then, I already knew... I knew there would someday be a "Bye, Mamma" that would take a huge piece of myself right out of my home.

To the Seniors

Dear High School Senior,

I had a shoe box in my closet growing up and it was full of pamphlets and info (much of which I'd sent off for - remember I didn't grow up with the internet. Ha!!) about various issues I was highly concerned with. Endangered species, wild flower preservation, rain forest conservation, etc. I was the kid calling to pledge $5 to the telethons on TV and I wrote more than one "letter to the editor" as a child. At under 10 years old, I followed the situation in East/West Germany and the fall of the Berlin Wall with intense concern. I was so ecstatic when it fell and I desperately wanted a piece of the wall to commemorate the occasion. (My husband, who is exactly my age, has no recollection of this event from 4th grade.)

Am I telling you this because I want you to know I was born an outstanding citizen of the world? Gosh, no. For Heaven's sake, I sometimes look back at me as a child and want to tell myself, "Would you just chill out and let the adults worry about world hunger and the hole in the ozone??" I'm telling you this to explain to you that everyone is passionate about something!

You are about to go make decisions about what you want to do with your life, and this is NOT the most opportune age or time in your life to have to decide what you want to do forever. Sheesh! Most of you have barely experienced anything, really. You're still figuring yourself out. Picking a college or trade school, declaring a major, and deciding on a field of study are all major decisions!! Looking at you all from this vantage point, here is the best advice I can give you: if you choose something you're passionate about, something you love, something you believe in, then going to work every day won't feel like going to work. It will feel like fulfilling your life's mission.

What excites you? What makes you tick? What interests you? If money is what you are passionate about, then pursue that! Focus on the salary, by all means, because that's going to drive you!  Money motivates me least of all, so it's probably no surprise I'm working in a non-profit, education based agency!  If you love creating things, then figure out how to make a career of it.

The other night I was at a fundraising event for cancer research and my sister saw a picture of me on social media. She texted me to tell me I looked like I was glowing. I thought about it for a minute and then decided, "Of course I'm glowing!" I was taking part in something bigger than me, a cause, that would benefit humanity in a positive way. (Not to mention I also had my husband and kids joining in with me!) I was in my element, I was doing what I was made to do.

Lucky for me, I work in an agency where every single day I'm playing a part to change the trajectory of people's lives. That doesn't mean that every day at work for me is all sunshine and roses, but it means every day I go to work on a mission. I'm fulfilling my passion.

You see, you have to pull that proverbial shoe box out of your closet and try to narrow it down to your most prized pamphlet. And, that is the answer to what career path you should follow.  It may not end up looking exactly like you think. My plan to be a child psychologist has ended up as a career in Head Start administration and training adults in early childhood best practices! Your passion for sports may not end you up as a professional ball player, but maybe you're destined to be a sports analyst or for a career in sports medicine! Find a way to channel some of your favorite things in to a way to make money, and you're going to be pretty​ happy in your career!

In the wise words of the Postman (my Dad), "You're going to spend most of your life working. You might as well do something you WANT to instead of something you HAVE to do." (He also told me college isn't a race. But he may regret that advice now!! Ha!!)

But, the most important thing I can tell you is this: listen to what God is telling you. He has already worked out a perfect plan for you and He will direct you exactly where you need to be.  God has instilled specific passions in you for His specific purposes! There is nothing quite like the contentment of knowing you are right where God wants you.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord . With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,  because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay.  You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:8‭-‬11 

Dear local business owner:

Dear local business owner, I want to take a minute to express to you just what you're teaching my children by supporting their livestock projects.

The times I've tried to explain the workings of livestock showing to someone who isn't "in it!" I give a long explanation, then they usually kind of nod and smile and I know they still don't really understand. I think some of the biggest confusion stems around what we call our "premium sale" or "sale of champions" at our County and Regional shows. It's always our big goal to "make sale" at these shows. What happens, beyond just celebrating and showcasing their animal, is each exhibitor goes in the arena and their animal is "auctioned" to the highest bidder. However, these bidders aren't bidding to actually buy the animal, they're competing to donate money towards the exhibitor.

Are you asking why on earth anyone would do that? Well, that's what I want to explain. Of course, it's good P.R. Beyond that, though, it is really an investment in the future of our communities. You know, sports are an awesome tool to teach kids about teamwork, hard work, discipline, etc. I grew up playing ball and was in a sports family. Two of my children play sports and I fully support that environment and all it teaches kids. However, I'm here to tell you I've yet to find anything that even remotely compares to the way livestock showing is preparing kids to enter real life and the business world! Here is what you're teaching my child with the money you donate to them:

You are teaching them about investing. The money you donate goes in a savings account and my children use it to reinvest in their project for next year. It goes towards buying another animal, feed, supplies, etc. This money is not spent on video games, designer jeans, or accessories. My children are learning to designate certain money for certain things and so far they've learned as they work hard and are diligent, their endeavors pay off more each year. But, they also are learning investing has risks. You may buy 3 pigs, but only one turns out. So, you make the tough decision to focus your energy and time on the one endeavor that is going to be most lucrative even if it wasn't what you thought in the beginning. Tough choices and dealing with disappointments - just like the real business world.

You are teaching my child to keep business records. My kids have to keep track of their income and expenses with their projects. We collect receipts and they keep record books. Sound like real life? They see the real income versus expenditures of this project and know the money you donate to them is precious and has to be dealt with wisely!

You are teaching my children to network. When you "buy" their animal we are instructing our children to go to you with their thank you basket and express their gratitude. They have to find buyers before the sale and are learning to use connections in the community. We pay attention to who supports our kids and that is where we do business. They already understand the importance of being connected to their communities.

You are teaching my children about the importance of how they conduct and present themselves. You'll find these kids in the ring with official dress on - jeans pressed, button up shirts (tucked in!), Official jackets, etc. They are learning that, while it's not everything, appearances matter in the business world. 

You are teaching my children to give back. They are being raised in an environment where so many people have helped them and supported them. They know the importance of giving back and they know first hand the profound difference it can make. It is my sincere hope they follow in your example someday when they're in the position to do so!

The biggest thing you are teaching my children, in particular, is hard work pays off. My children are not perfect, but their work ethic makes me proud. They spend every single day on these projects. They get up earlier than most kids do to feed an animal that is totally dependent on them. My son chooses to go to a camp every summer consisting of 4 days of grueling hard work with cattle so he can get better at what he does. My daughter who is barely 8 and not even able to show at our big shows this year wanted a hog and got up early every single morning to feed it. She cleaned pens, walked, and washed. My 16 year old voluntarily spends so many weekends a year at livestock shows versus out with friends like most kids her age.

The day of the sale, they are worn out!! It's right after a long week of showing but they get up and arrive at the barn by 8:30 am to help set up because they understand responsibility and that they need to be involved in the work that goes in to this event they are directly benefiting from. The arena needs to look a certain way and they know you have to get up and take care of business sometimes even when you're exhausted!

The bottom line here is my kids are not unique in these ag barns. This is the norm. And by investing in these children, you're really investing in the future. These are the kids you are going to want sitting across from you one day in a job interview. They leave high school with such an unrivaled sense of what it means to be able to succeed in the business world. If you think about it, many of them have basically been running their own versions of small businesses since they were in middle school!

Thank you for supporting these amazing kids and thank you for helping us teach them these life skills that will follow them for the rest of their lives. Thank you for investing in the future of our community and our state!

In Memory...

There's not a single selfie of her and I on my camera roll. We weren't those kind of friends - not the kind who "hang out" on a regular basis or go to lunch. We met through our husbands when I was still just dating mine - about 11 years ago now. She was one of the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, since she'd gotten pregnant with her daughter just months before. She had jokingly told me I needed to have one, too. I hadn't really meant to follow suit, but it happened, and I had no idea then how intermeshed our lives would end up. 

I visited her in the hospital when both her youngest children were born, she was the first one to ever see my baby girl via ultrasound and I was who she called for reassurance when someone completely unqualified ridiculously told her they thought her middle son might have autism.
When I decided to quit my job and stay home to work on finishing my degree and open a home daycare, she signed up her youngest daughter post haste. So, at 10 months old I became sort of mom number 2 and formed about as close an attachment as you can with a child who isn't your very own. Jady was never threatened by that - not even when her only daughter started calling me "Momma" for a year or so. She'd just laugh and make jokes about it. And our daughters became more than friends; they're family.
This morning when I heard she was gone I cried for 3 hours and had to leave work. I felt kind of ridiculous for getting so upset. We weren't "best friends," after all. It took me the day to pinpoint my reasons for unraveling at the news. I looked back through my texts to see the last time we had talked. On Oct 2nd she had sent me pics of the girls on a train ride they'd invited my youngest to go on. On Oct. 13th she sent me a picture to show my mom. On Nov. 16th I sent her a picture I knew she'd think was hilarious because her sense of humor was like mine. On Nov. 30th I texted her about my daughter's birthday party this Sunday and she said they'd be there.
But, she won't be there.  And that's why my heart is broken. Because for 11 years now we may not have been "best friends," but she's been a fixture in my life. She's been a running text conversation of shared laughs, pictures of our kids, and even some serious dialogue.  We may not have done lunch but I'd go pick up her girl to come play and step in the house and commiserate about laundry and laugh with her. We would talk about when our girls start driving or when they graduate High School.  It breaks my heart that she won't be there for those things.  There are those people in your life who are just there kind of always in the background and you assume they'll always be there.
She was so genuine and so unique - you couldn't help but love Jady.  One thing she knew about, though, was loss. She lived her life - especially when it came to her kids - knowing full well she wasn't promised tomorrow. We had that conversation more than once. We could all take a lesson from her life; she loved the people around her well and it's evident she has left a lasting impression on everyone who knew her.  I don't know for sure how long it will take before the urge to text her something will pass. I don't even know how I could ever take her name out of my phone.  I do know that today I'm going to take a page out of her book and hug my family close and know I'm not promised tomorrow.
Goodbye, beautiful Jady. Thank you for over a decade of laughter and thank you for sharing your daughter with me. I promise to always help take care of her for you just like I always have.

Look for the Good - Be the Good

Watching the chaos on the television screen from the recent shooting in Dallas, I had to remind my children to "look for the good." Look for the helpers, look for the encouragers, look for the peacemakers. They far outnumber the small percentage of bad.

Lately my youngest has been focusing on the negative.  I.E. We were in our Dallas hotel room the first night and didn't get to go swim.  She was pouting. (Keep in mind she had already been to a water park that day!) I've been in discussion with her lately about how you have to make a choice to look for good in situations instead of focusing on the negative.  When she starts to go down that negative path I say, "But, what are the good things?"

I found out Tuesday afternoon while I was off work and at the lake that there was an important training the next day in Dallas at 9:00 am.  (We live almost 4 hours away - not including any traffic issues!) Could I possibly make it?  Well.  Anything is possible. I quickly made arrangements.

My 3 kids begged to come with and my immediate answer was NO. They'd have to stay in a hotel room alone in downtown Dallas during the day and I had a room with 1 King sized bed reserved.  No.  Way.  Then I started thinking (along with my Mommy guilt) maybe it could work.  After all, my oldest is 3 weeks from 16 and my training was literally next door to the hotel.  I arranged for them to hang out with a close family friend in the area the first day and it was settled.  They were SO excited!

Wednesday evening we walked around downtown some and had dinner.  We walked through a park on the way back with fountains and my youngest was promised that we'd come back the next night.  Thursday evening, July 7th, we had more time to kill.  We had dinner then stopped in a 7-11 to get slurpees and my kids noticed that a police officer in line in front of us bought a water for a young man hanging out in front of the store. On our way back to the room, we stopped at the park as promised and noticed some people starting to gather and a few reporters interviewing people.  I didn't think a lot of it. My youngest played in the fountains as planned and then we left for our room about 2 blocks away.  Time for the hotel pool!

Back at the hotel I looked up (good ol' social media) what was going on at Belo Garden Park, where we had just been.  It was the beginnings of a Black Lives Matter rally. At the hotel where my kids were playing in the ground floor outdoor pool they voiced concern over the police helicopters circling. One hovered right over our hotel for the majority of the time we were outside and I explained that it was just the police making sure everything stayed safe.  How do you explain racism to young children? Their sweet little hearts just don't really get it.

We went in just before 9:00. Just before all hell broke loose in Dallas.  Back in our room I flipped through channels and happened across a news station blasting the images of the hysteria happening two blocks away from us.  That explained all the sirens.  I quickly changed the channel to Full House reruns.  My 7 year old was distressed by the news and as Mom my role was the harbinger of calm and safety - no matter how I felt inside. 

I feel bad saying I was scared, tucked in my bed in my cushy 5th floor hotel room with the door triple locked.  I feel bad because meanwhile police officers on the street were up all night with their lives in danger.  Even the poor attendants at the front desk of the hotel had 100 times more reason than I did to be afraid.  At any rate, this girl from rural Oklahoma, sitting on the 5th floor listening to helicopter blades and sirens right outside my window, trying to be brave for my kids, was scared. 

I also felt bad for even having my kids there... at first.  I felt bad for exposing them to the violence and fear.  But, in the light of morning after the hotel was off of lock down, and we were safely headed back home, I decided maybe it was okay that my kids experienced this. Because as tragic as it is, you can find the good. 

The tragedy was a few people with evil in their hearts who decided to open fire and kill police officers.  But, as always, evil can't prevail where love is.  Because in committing this atrocity, they forced the police officers to jump to action and protect the very people who were protesting law enforcement.  They eradicated the issue of race in those moments of fear when bullets were flying and suddenly lives were just lives - not black or white or blue.  Officers were throwing civilians out of the way to put themselves in front of the line of fire - no skin color checks first.

That's what I want my kids to see.  This is the world we live in.  We live amongst evil and the impulse is to hide away - the way I didn't want my kids to come.  I wanted to keep them safe at home.  I want to keep them safe at home forever!  But, I can't.  I have to let them see they can be the good amongst the bad.  That you can't dwell on the bad - you have to choose to see the good.  You choose to see the police officer buying the less fortunate kid a water, the emergency personnel rushing to save the lives of those who persecute them, or the breeze the scary helicopter blades provide on a hot day.

Last night to calm my youngest down we prayed.  We thanked God for His perfect timing in when we headed back to our room, we prayed for peace for our country, we prayed for the emergency personnel and their families, and we prayed for safe travels home.  Today we debriefed together and talked things out.  We discussed the fact that we knew if Jesus were in the flesh today he'd be right downtown in the the midst of the fear and pain.  He'd be ministering through it all. 

We're not all brave enough to be downtown right now.  I'm not - especially not with my babies.  But, can we really, in good conscience, keep hiding in our cushy rooms with the doors locked while the sirens and choppers whir around us outside? We live in a scary world, but we have to keep looking for the good.  More importantly, we need to find ways to BE THE GOOD in our world.

Raised in a Barn

My whole body hurts. Our bank account is busted.  Also, my sinuses are crazy from barn dust,  my head hurts from 2 days of adrenaline spikes, there are wood chips all over our house and vehicles, our shoes smell like livestock poo, and I'm not sure if there's enough detergent in the world to wash the barn smell from our clothes. I'm sitting in my living room, listening to jean buttons clank in the dryer, perusing my phone pictures, and feeling emotional. And, I'm ready to do it all again next week.  You're thinking I'm crazy, right?

What angle to write from?  That's been my question since last night.  I've written about livestock showing and the way it prepares kids for life. I could go on and on about that.  And, last night at our county show was a great example.  I could write about these kids' knowledge of responsibility, their familiarity with disappointment, their determination, their work ethics... I could reiterate how I sort of hated this world (and, trust me, it is its own little world!) at first, but have grown to love it. But, as I've contemplated and looked at my pictures and social media posts, I've discovered just how much showing really means to me.

My daughter competed at our County livestock show for the 7th time last night.  She drove both her pigs for a long time and won a 5th and 3rd place.  She showed for premium sale twice. We knew the first time was a long shot, but after her 3rd place in a class that produced a breed champion, we had high hopes.  But, she didn't make it and I watched her keep her hog walking around the arena for so long.  It was tired and breaking down. It kept going to the corners of the ring to try to quit and every time my determined daughter fought to get it back in front of the judge.  She never quit.

Truth? I wanted her to quit.  I hate to admit that.  The mom in me was watching her, tears welling in my eyes, and I just thought,  "Baby, it's over.  Just stand in the corner and let that pig rest."  I could read her frustration and when she was FINALLY chosen as 4th alternate, and they got her pig over to the side where it collapsed from exhaustion, I saw the tears she was fighting from all the way in the stands.  I had to get to her! But, getting to her meant getting down stairs and going through a maze of pig panels. Her dad was down in the arena, but he had to fight the maze, too.

By the time we got to her there were already people surrounding her.  People who care about her and were watching her fight in that ring with almost the same concern I was. I recalled last year when I watched one of the senior girls have the same experience and how anguished I felt for her as I watched her.  I also thought about how excited I was for a boy who was having an awesome show his senior year this year,  after a not-so-great year last year. I was genuinely so happy for him, watching him win.  And, it occurs to me that we are so incredibly blessed to have this huge group of families we show with who have genuine concern for our kids.  Sure, in some respects we are competing against one another, but we are also all helping raise each other's kids.

We finally got my daughter's poor worn-out pig back to the pen, and we geared up for the showmanship competition. She went right back in the ring and showed her other pig with so much determination and she WON! After 7 long years, she finally got a showmanship buckle!  It was an amazing moment.  But, do you want to know the most amazing part?  The other parents who sincerely congratulated her, were genuinely happy for her, and told her how much she deserved it.  These are parents who's kids were in the ring, competing for the same award!

We are a little village of show moms and dads. We come together to raise money, coordinate to feed the kids on show day, help each other haul animals and equipment, share tips, commiserate on losses, share the joy of winning, and help keep up with the younger siblings.  We surround other people's children with help and encouragement when they need it.  We build them up, we hold them to the highest standard, and we don't let them quit.  How many times yesterday did I look up in the stands to see one or more of my kids sitting by another show parent?  How many times did I hear another parent say, "Great job!" To my child? 

We left the barn late last night. It was cold and anywhere I turned I saw weary faces. Weary faces with a smile and encouragement to offer.  The dads still there helped the kids load the last bit of equipment and the animals that needed to be hauled back to the school.  There was light teasing here and there, serious conversations about work still to be done, and I just sat back and took it all in.  I've come full circle.  I love this stock show life now. I love these people. There is no other village I'd rather have raising my children with me. Even if we ARE raising them in a barn!

The Difference a Decade Makes

At 7:00 am the text came from my oldest daughter about my youngest, on a trip with my parents half way across the country,  puking.  "She's been going about 2 minutes straight. "  Nothing skyrockets a mom's blood pressure like something wrong with a child who's too far out of reach to comfort. 

It was Friday morning of a long week of in-service training.  This is now the 5th conference style  training I've co-chaired the planning and implementation of, and with each one I've learned more and gained new appreciation for what all happens behind the scenes. It's a LOT of work with months of preparation and planning beforehand. I blasted through the door at work, my mind switching back and forth between my baby being sick in another state, and the ever growing checklist of things that still needed to be done for the day's training. 

Handouts were still being copied - leftover print jobs from the way I left them on the copier when I'd finally left the night before.  Paper had to be reloaded, the jump drive retrieved from my office computer, end of the year awards finalized,  etc, etc. A team of us buzzed around checking off last minute tasks, climbing up and down two flights of stairs between our offices and the training room. 

Nothing ever plays out exactly the way you think it will or plan it to.  Without fail,  an award is forgotten, or the new projectors aren't hooked up, or the sound won't play on a presenter's video.  I know the adrenaline rush was evident all over my face, no matter how many times I smiled at someone or stopped to answer a question. 

I stood the majority of the day, even to eat lunch.  But, at one point I sat down and just listened to the presenter, finally taking a minute to just breathe.  I smiled to myself as I heard him speak words that completely tied in to all the other presentations from the week, including mine.  I thought, "I love how that always coincidentally happens!"  Then I thought, hey! Maybe it's not a coincidence. We plan these things, and we make this happen.  I scheduled these trainings and even if it was completely subconscious on my part, I made it all relate.  (Sort of the way I subconsciously make my family's  outfits match. My mom pointed that out to me a few years ago. I had no idea I was doing it.)

Then, it also occurred to me that the presenter I was listening to was one I had the privilege of meeting a decade ago when I toured his center,  Special Care Inc., and hearing later at a conference. Mansur Choudry, with his amazing story of "falling in to" the education field and passion for helping children with special needs had greatly inspired me in my career.  Now I was not only listening to him again, but had been emailing back and forth  for two months making arrangements for him to come speak to our group.  10 years ago, as a preschool teacher,  I sat in a conference room hanging on his every word, imagining the places I wanted to go in the early childhood field.  Now,  there I was, organizing trainings and training teachers.

It amazes me to look back on my journey to where I am.  And it's exciting to look ahead at the work still left to do. I am so incredibly blessed to be doing what I love every day - to be involved in something that ignites my passion.  To have "fallen in to" a career that I love.  A job that makes me want to get up and go to work every day, even days like last Friday that are long and exhausting. I think about how Mansur made such an impact on me and I wonder how many he's impacted through the people he inspires.  That is my aspiration! Another decade from now I hope I can look back again in wonderment about where I am and where I've been, and I hope I can bless people by telling my stories... the same way I've been blessed by the stories of others. 

My Head Start

--> I began today by witnessing an Oklahoma sunrise from an airplane.  It was beautiful.  It was a blessing. 
My passion for traveling and seeing new places was cultivated not long after my passion for wanting to help underprivileged children - when I was just a kid myself.  I had as close to an ideal upbringing as you can have, but something in me was stirred by the thought of a population of children who were downtrodden and starting out with less than what I had.  Why should they have any less than I?  At age 12 I decided to go in to a field that would benefit children and families.

At age 13 I took my first plane ride to Florida.  I fell instantly in love with experiencing the different way of life and culture there.  I was invigorated by seeing our great country from 30,000 feet, tasting new cuisine, and taking part in other's people's customs and rituals.  From a very young age the human mind was the most interesting thing in the world to me and while other children in middle school and high school were reading mostly teen magazines, I was secretly looking up subjects in encyclopedias and practically memorizing a book of behavioral health disorders.  I think one of the biggest reasons traveling intrigued me so, was that I loved to study people and what created their personalities and habits.  I loved to analyze which aspects were environmental and which were genetic.  I loved the way being from one region or another could shape everything about the humans there.

Such as it is with so many people, my big career plans veered off course.  My dreams of being a child and family therapist were shattered when I finally came to the realization that I would never have the capacity to separate myself enough, emotionally, from my clients to perform those duties.  I left college in the middle of my sophomore year, and  by age 23 I found myself to be a young single mother working in a small child care center in my hometown, very far away from my initial goals for myself.  I ended up in child care quite by happenstance, wanting to be able to work where my children were spending the majority of their days.

I remember distinctly, though, the moment I realized that I had fallen into the career path I was supposed to be in.  I happened to be  cleaning a bathroom at that moment.  I was cleaning and thinking and it dawned on  me that I loved what I was doing. I loved the capacity that I was able to work with the children in my care and I very deeply believed in the difference we were able to make for them in those early years.  I also saw the difference I was able to make by forging relationships with the families of those children - the load it took off their shoulders to be able to truly believe in the quality of care their child received while in the parents' absence.  It was admittedly difficult for the pride of a straight A student who had dreamed for over a decade of a reputable career as a child psychologist to take on a servant-hood role as a child care provider. But, pride or not, the feeling that I was right where I was supposed to be and was making a difference in the lives of children was worth more to me than my pride.  And, while I knew there was a general lack of respect for child care workers to be seen as professionals, I set out to disprove that misconception and strove to do my best at every aspect of my profession - even cleaning bathrooms.  Because ultimately, the cleanliness of a bathroom was still contributing to the health and well being of the children.

There were times along the way, as I dreamed of finishing the degree I started and watched my peers slowly graduating college and starting their lives off on much better footing that I had, that I thought, "Why me?"  Why was I the one who ended up pregnant in college and looked down on by everyone?  As if I was doing anything that 95% of college students weren't!  As much as I adored my own children, parts of me were bitter about the hand I'd been dealt, especially in moments when I sat and tried to decide which bills to pay and which bills could be put off a little while so I could buy them food.  Especially in moments when I'd run in to someone at the grocery store who was just home visiting for the weekend and we'd quickly run out of things to talk about as I pacified my small children in the cart.  Things seemed unfair sometimes.

It wasn't long, though, before the reason for my struggles became evident in my career.  I moved up the supervisory path fairly quickly.  I don't believe that is because I was the greatest teacher in the world or because I was necessarily the best at what I did.  I think, more than anything, it was just because of the passion burning in me for my job.  Working in a classroom of 3 and 4 year olds was never "just a job" to me or a "stepping stone" to something else.  It was very truly something I loved to do and something that made me get out of bed every day excited to go to work.  It wasn't always easy and it had moments that weren't especially fun.  (I.E.  No one really enjoys cleaning up puke or working 11 hour shifts because someone called in.)  When I touched a single mother's arm who was dropping her child off in the morning, and was clearly upset, I was able to look in her eyes and with all sincerity say, "I know how you feel, and I promise it gets better!"  Had I not had my own life experiences to pull from, I would not be near as good at my job.  I never ask, "Why me?" now.  I know exactly why.

My years in early childhood eventually led me to finishing my degree and accepting an administrative position in a Head Start program.  My son had been in head start for a year, so I was vaguely familiar with it, but once in the door I realized I had a lot to learn!  I also realized that all my years and experiences had led up to this.  The passion to help children and families was a perfect fit for everything that Head Start stands for.  And, now, after almost 3 years, Head Start is in my veins.  I believe in it.  I believe in everything it stands for and I believe that every day when I go to work I'm making a difference.  I didn't leave the classroom to be an administrator because I was "burned out" or tired of teaching.  It was actually a hard decision for me because there is almost nothing I love more than a good conversation with a preschool age child.  I left because I realized the difference I could make would expand from one classroom a year to hundreds of children a year.  (Those are some wise words from my director.)

So, now, here I sit in a hotel in downtown Washington D.C., in front of a window overlooking a bustling street outside.  The energy here is palpable and it feels like a place where change is possible and you get a sense of the great things that have happened here in our nation's history.  In my  career I have been so incredibly blessed to travel all over the country to trainings, coupling two of my great loves - learning about child development and seeing new places.  I've had the great privilege to travel to Chicago, Los Angeles, Dallas, Shreveport, and various other places in between.  This is my second time to come to D.C. and this year I have the unprecedented experience of being here for the National Head Start Association Conference while we celebrate the 50th anniversary of Head Start.  As much fun as traveling is, I also feel the weight of the responsibility that comes along with that.  The resources it takes to send me here can't be wasted!  I have a duty to learn all I can and bring it back and translate it to my program back in the mid-west.  I am honored to be chosen to take on that responsibility.

I know this job will never translate in to great wealth for me, monetarily speaking.  But, I guess if money is what drove me I'd not be here to begin with.  And, this will never just be a job to me, anyway.  It is my life's work; it is what I've dreamed of doing since I was 12 years old - just in a different capacity than I had planned.  As much as I hope I've been and will continue to be a blessing to other's lives, even if indirectly, I know that this career has shaped me and blessed me more than I deserve.  I know as I enter the conference tomorrow, I will be overwhelmed by the number of people just like me, who represent hundreds more, who have devoted their lives to this cause.  Many, of whom are a product of this agency we call Head Start.  I know no matter where life leads me from here on out, I will continue to advocate for and support this program because I've seen first hand how many lives it has shaped - including mine.          

My domestication requires lowered expectations!

On my (what I suppose will be lifelong) quest for total domestication, I am suddenly enjoying cooking.  Hmmm.  Strange.  Baking, new recipes, and the like.  Hamburger Helper should be jealous right about now!
Do not misunderstand me!  I am not referring to the kind of baking that requires a rolling pin (No clue where mine is. I only have one because it was my grandmothers and I keep it for nostalgic reasons.), flour all over the kitchen, or even baking powder.  I am in to what I like to call: CHEATING COOKING!  What is that?  Glad you asked!  Well, this morning I cooked some adorable little breakfast puffs that in some parts of the world might have a name in another language and a nice shiny egg white or butter coating.  Not here.  Here, I simply bought some crescent rolls (the always save, on sale, cheapest ones they had!) and I fried up a little bit of Blue and Gold sausage and added some eggs.  I chopped up some green onion and some mushrooms.  (Not fresh mushrooms.  Just some I had in the fridge in a jar!)  Put it in a bowl, mixed in some shredded cheese (bought it that way.  My cheese grater is rather a lonely little thing!) and a little sour cream and just wrapped the concoction up in the crescent rolls and baked them!  Voila!  Also, I have some potato soup in the crock pot.  (And, I did not chop up ONE SINGLE potato!  I hate peeling and cutting potatoes with a passion!)  Here's the "cheating" recipe for that:  Easy crockpot potato soup recipe It required opening things and dumping them in the crock pot, but this evening, I will be queen of the kitchen as my family raves about what a wonderful meal it is!  (Families rave about lots of easy meals when they are used to Hamburger Helper!) 
In an ideal world, I would honestly love to be one of those wives/moms who cooks organic, from scratch meals, leaves out all gluten and processed foods, grows and cans all our own vegetables, and has no clue what the price of a "Wal-Mart birthday cake" is!  And, my hat is off to those ladies, in all sincerity!! But, alas, I have 3 children (2 of which are in sports), a husband, 2 dogs, 6 bonus children here for about 10 hours a day, and semi-poor time management skills.  So.  I need to cheat!  I need meals that take 5 minutes to throw in a crock pot and taste like I slaved over them for hours!  And, I'm kind of excited about my new found interest!  I'm on the prowl for super easy recipes!!  And, I have decided to share with you all, all of my best findings!
I made extra of my little breakfast puffs so we can eat them on the way to games Saturday, instead of spending $20 or $30 on breakfast from a convenience store!  Thinking ahead! Aren't you proud of me? ;-)

Shutter jewelry holder

I love this! I bought an old wooden shutter  a local flea market. I used paperclips (unfolded) to hang my bracelets and necklaces. I hang my dangle earrings right on the shutter. 

Overwhelmed with thankfulness

I just am really overwhelmed right now and I needed to write it down!! 

There are two main things that I really wanted for my life.  Some people want huge houses, great monetary success, prestige, fame.... Maybe those were things I thought about a LOT of years ago.  But, starting at about 19 years old, I had two things that if I were to have them, I knew would make me feel like my life was complete, successful in MY eyes and that I'd not be able to ask for more!

One was to be in a marriage to someone who treated me like an equal, respected me, understood me, loved me for ME, and most importantly adored and cherished me.  The other was to be able to stay at home with my kids and not have to work outside the home.


It dawned on me today: HELLO!!! I'VE GOT IT ALL!!!  My husband is amazing and treats me the same (40 lbs and dozens more stretchmarks later) as he did when we first were together... better, actually.  He's everything I could have ever asked for.

And, I'm at home with my kids.  My youngest will be 3 in December.  I haven't missed a beat.  I've been there for almost every diaper, meal, first, last, boo-boo, and milestone along the way.  I'm here when my kids step off the bus every day.  I'm here all Summer with them. 

None of it came about the way I would have planned it.  It unfolded so very slowly and meticulously that it was hard to even see the totality of it until I look back on it.  Sometimes we ask God for things and we want to snap our fingers and see it.  God knows so much more than we do and he knows how to work things out perfectly in our lives.  Getting to this point, for me, was NOT painless.  There were bumps along the way.  But, had there not been, I would not have the appreciation I have for it all now.

I feel very humbled right now and in some respects very ungrateful.  How could I EVER complain about ANYTHING?  How could I get discouraged or down in the dumps?? At 30 God has given me, already, the two main things I wanted out of life.  He took the two most important things to me on this earth - Love and motherhood - and entwined them in to this perfect culmination of things in my life.  Everything else is just details, right?  Low on funds one month?  Who cares!!!  I have a beautiful family and everything I could ever want that really matters!  I am blessed absolutely beyond measure.  God should ground me from the internet if I EVER complain again!!  ;-)

You turned my wailing into dancing;
   you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
   LORD my God, I will praise you forever. -Psalms 30:11-12

An Open Letter to Satan...

Satan:


I thought you should know that I am shrinking.  And, clearly that should scare you.  I am decreasing so that Jesus' spirit that lives in me can increase.  I had a rough year a couple of years ago.  Really rough.  And, it hurt a little, but I sensed then and know now that God was breaking me down.  Not so He could build ME back up, but so He would have more room to be housed within me.
I used to be blind to your tricks.  I wanted to be blind to you and pretend you and your realm of darkness did not exist.  But, I am learning and growing and I am more aware than I've ever been of your presence in THIS world.  I see you now.  I see how you pick at me and try to wear me down.  But, I also have been made aware of how weak and vulnerable my flesh is.  So, I don't depend on myself anymore.  True, I've been a Christian for over 18 years now, but I am truly learning what it means to die to myself now.  Fear, which has ruled me my whole life, is a useless emotion when I belong to the MOST HIGH.  I no longer blindly struggle against you.  More and more, I see you and your ways and more and more I throw my hands up in the air in surrender to the one who has ultimate power over you.  You can't touch me.  I am HIS. (Neener, neener!!)
Nothing in THIS world matters.  Not the money, not the things, not the worry, not the sickness, not the sorrow, not the death.  Is it painful?  Oh, yes.  You know misery and pain and inflict it wherever you can.  But, I tell you now.  Go somewhere else.  Because my eyes are on the prize.  I will praise him in every storm.  I will forgive my enemies.  I will love when you want me to hate.  I will give my weaknesses to the Lord and I will NOT fight my own battles against you.  You battle me no longer.  You battle my God and we both know you have no chance with Him.  So, flee from me and mine, lest I stomp on your head with the supernatural power that is within me. You don't even know the amount of time I am in prayer silently, beseeching my God who hears my every thought. 
I am shrinking.  I am shrinking more and more every day and you know how powerful it makes me as I leave more and more room for the Holy Spirit to fill up my being and rule my life.  So, I have four words for you: GET THEE BEHIND ME.

He must become greater; I must become less. -John 3:30

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. - Psalm 20:7-8

Diets and Dog Poo - It's been a while....

I haven't updated in a while!  I hate to admit that my progress to this point is not where I thought it would be.  However, I am NOT beating myself up over it!  I changed courses a little bit.  I decided on using baby steps!!  I have determined that I will change things about my life (Because, after all, it is my life habits that got me where I am at...) one step at a time.  The first thing was to incorporate push ups in   to my daily routine.  May sound strange, but push ups are one of the most effective strength training exercises you can do.  They help your arms, core, chest, shoulders, and back.  So, I started out with two sets of 10 (girlie style!) every morning.  Then, I eventually moved up to 12, and on until I am now at 2 sets of 15.  Every morning.  Well, almost!  ;)  I think pretty soon I will add another set.  Eventually I will start doing military style!
The next step is cardio!  I am working on adding some cardio in to my day every day.  If I don't make it EVERY day, I don't get upset with myself.  I like to do it in the morning because it really increases my energy level all day, but again, if I don't get up, I don't beat myself up.  I just say, "No big deal.  I'll do it this evening."  I think Monday I am going to try, once again, to do the "Couch to 5k" running program. But, if like last year, I start hurting too bad from running, I'll just go back to walking and NOT BEAT MYSELF UP!  I think not being so hard on myself is going to be a key factor in sticking it out for the long haul!  Too many times in my past, I would get discouraged and quit the minute I messed up.  So, now, I am putting forth an effort to make changes I can actually stick to (instead of outrageous things like HCG and NO CARBS) and trying to make them part of my life one step at a time!

Diets and Dog Poo - Fizzgig and Soup

A relationship with a dog is very similar to a parent/child relationship.  It isn't like a dating relationship where you sit the dog down and say, "Listen.  This just isn't working out.  It's not me.  It's you."  HA!  But, I'll admit.  I'd been giving some thought to giving our lab, Ruth, to a good home.  Even though it would be sad and the kids would be sad.  And, I'd been looking on Craig's List every day at dogs that needed homes, dreaming of having a little indoor dog to love that would not be able to knock things over or leave horse-like piles of poo on my carpet!  Although I like Ruth a lot, I'd all but given up, as I looked out my kitchen window at 6:00 am one morning to see her in the neighbor's yard, looking over at our house.  I think maybe she was actually looking at ME through the window, as if to let me know where she was at so I wouldn't be worried....


So, I sat the hubby down and told him:  "I think we need to find Ruth another home.  This is just ridiculous.  We can't keep her in ANY kind of fence, when she's been cooped up in that little kennel, she's just too hyper for the kids to handle.  She's too much to keep in the house."  Now, I assumed he would be all for this because he's just not a big pet person.  He expects animals to earn their keep.  Coon hounds and cows - they have a purpose.  Dogs are just another mouth to feed and more responsibility.  Surprisingly, though, his exact words were: "Naw.  I don't want to do that."  Huh?!  Was it possible that he'd grown attached to the crazy dog??  He said he would fix the kennel so she couldn't get out and he would work on putting in a buried electric fence system to keep her in the yard.  I love this guy.


However, my longing for a little lap dog would not go away.  I don't know what the deal was.  I guess maybe because my youngest is 2, talking in complete sentences, potty trained and letting me know what color she wants of everything?  Maybe the good ol' baby fever is kicking in and I know the closest I can ever come again will be a puppy?  I don't know.  But, when Mom called me about some puppies someone she knew was trying to get rid of that were half Shih Tzu, half Jack Russell Terrier I was intrigued!  And when the lady sent me a picture of three little fluff balls, I instantly fell for one of them.  It was a little brown and white sleeping puppy, all spotted fur!!  I had to have her!  So, I worked up the nerve to ask the hubster if he'd be on board.  He of course, said it was up to me and I needed to make sure I wasn't biting off more than I could chew.  I don't know why I expected a resounding NO out of him, but I did.  I really, really love this guy!


Eagerly, I told the lady that I would get the pup the next day - Friday!  Then, I remembered I was having two wisdom teeth pulled Friday.  Oh, well, I thought.  I'll have Mom get her on her way home and I'll be fine to take care of her... and my three kids.  And, we had a livestock auction to go to the next day.  No big deal.


Fast Forward to the dentist's office.  Now.  I realized this was a "difficult extraction."  I knew one tooth was sideways and not through the gum.  So, I assumed they'd have to cut my gum.  And I knew they might have to break to tooth some to get it out.  I was nervous.  And unprepared.  The dentist asked me, "Are you nervous?"  I, of course, responded with a yes.  His next words are not what you want to hear as you are sitting down in a dentist's chair.  "You should be.  This isn't going to be easy."  Then he and the assistant were throwing words like "surgery" around.  I was having actual surgery, only I was going to be awake for it.  Lovely.  This was definitely going to help my irrational fear of the dentist.


So, he let me know the risks, like the chance that part of my lip could end up permanently numb and that there was a possibility of puncturing my sinus cavity and that the tooth was on a nerve so it was going to hurt no matter what and there was nothing he could do about it.  And, he told me how I needed to lay down afterwords and not talk and I needed to be "off duty " for a day or two to recover and keep my blood pressure down so the clotting would do it's thing.  Then, after he started there was talk about how much tissue he was having to cut through and about sewing the muscle back together and how it was going to feel like he sewed my mouth shut.  Hmmm.  Maybe this new puppy thing should have waited until NEXT weekend!


So, I went home and lay down until Mom showed up with my little fur ball who I named Fizzgig.  (Most people look at me like I'm crazy, but the name comes from one of my favorite childhood Jim Henson movies, The Dark Crystal.  Fizzgig was a little rolling, fuzzball Muppet creature.)  I tried to stay down as much as possible and my oldest daughter was more than happy to help out with the new family member.  I was up quite a bit that night, but I got to sleep in the next morning.


Now, having been unprepared for my dental ordeal, I had NOTHING in the house I could eat.  I tried to eat the dirty rice that the hubby (with lots of my help) made for dinner, but no matter how much I mashed the rice it kept wanting to get stuck in the gaping holes in my gums.  So, I drank some coffee the next morning and tried to get ready for my mom's Scentsy party at 2:00.  However, I kept feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out, or maybe both at the same time.  So, I asked my sister to stop and get us on her way to Mom's.  She did, of course, being the wonderful sister she is.  And she brought a friend!  So, here I am, half dressed, trying not to pass out in a pool of my own puke, my house a WRECK (because houses quickly get wrecked when moms spend much time at all lying around), and in walks my little sister and her very cute, neat, put together friend.  MORTIFIED!  So, I put on my best "I'm fine act" (because if I hadn't, she would have insisted on driving me) and told her I'd be ok to drive if she'd run the errand for me that mom had asked me to run.  Because A. I was not about to try to cram me, two of my kids and a dog in to the backseat of my sister's two door sports car. And B. I was not about to let this girl I'd never met even look in the windows of my van which is usually in a very pit of despair-ish kind of shape.  Trash in the floor, clothes all over, sticky stuff on the windows.  Nope. My pride would not allow it!  So, I suited up, got us all out the door and my husband walked to the window of the van to tell me good bye and instead said, "Don't take this wrong, Baby, but you look bad.  Are you okay?"  "Yep.  I'm fine.  I just need to eat something."  And, I did!  I knew my blood sugar had spiked or plummeted or something!  I just did not feel right at all. I had gone in to survival mode.  And, I knew my survival depended on getting to my Mommy as quick as possible without throwing up!


I made it.  I got us all in the door and in true Momma fashion, she took one look at me and said, "Are you okay?"  And, amidst the room full of Scentsy partiers, I said, "Yea."  And, I quickly walked to the kitchen.  As soon as she could get away, she was in there with me and I broke in to tears.  "What's wrong?"  Me: "I don't know.  I don't know why I'm crying!  I think I just need to eat!"  Ha!!!!  What I really needed was to have a milk shake and go lay down in a quiet room for about 10 hours and let the pain pills work their magic without having to take dogs to potty or feed kids or find binkies!  But, instead, I opted for some yogurt and chicken noodle soup (minus the noodles) and I tried to join in the scent sniffing festivities.  And, I went to the livestock sale to watch my girl "auction" her show heifer.  Then I went to El Chicos, one of my all time favorite Mexican restaurants and was tortured with chips and dip while I sipped soup.


I spent 5 days on an almost totally liquid diet.  And, I'm pretty sure that when I weigh myself Monday, you won't even be able to tell!  But, on a good note, I am head over heels for my new puppy!  And, so far we are on day 7 with only one tiny pee-pee accident!  My days of dog poo may be over for good!  But, the diet is still there.......

Top: Jim Henson's Fizzgig.  Bottom: My Fizzgig.  She found a binky!

Twirl (A VERY rough draft)

You were laying in the grass,

warm golden sun on your face.

Pig tails, innocence and lace.

A sweet breeze stirred your soul.

You got up and twirled about.

You don't remember; it was long ago.

But, He remembers everything,

though you thought you were alone.

He watched you dance, heard you sing,

He delighted in your silly song.

And when you were done, 

He cradled you with the warm spring sun.

and sent the wind to whisper you to sleep.

What hurts you must have

to give it all up for a man.

Who made you feel unworthy of

the very best kinds of love?

Oh, it hurts so much to watch you

passing your painful torch to

the ones who are looking for Him now.

Who made you feel less than?

Who hurt that little girl?

This was not your father's plan.

He wants to see you twirl.

Oh, He loved to watch you twirl.

You've been in love before;

It's fleeting - you try to hang on.

Try to keep that man's heart beating.

You are sure he's the one.

You'll give all your gifts away,

if only for a moment.

And, in the end they just feel stolen.

Only God will hold you

the way you really need.

Only God will send you

the love of your dreams.

Only God will be there

when the world turns away.

And only God remembers

Every single thing.

What hurts you must have

to give it all up for a man.

Who made you feel unworthy of

the very best kinds of love?

Oh, it hurts so much to watch you

passing your painful torch to

the ones who are looking for Him now.

Who made you feel less than?

Who hurt that little girl?

This was not your father's plan.

He wants to see you twirl.

Oh, He loved to watch you twirl

Don't you see her watching you?

Trying to decide who to be.

When was the last time she twirled in the grass?

Does she know she's lovely?

He loves to watch her twirl.

He never wanted you to stop.

Take his hands and twirl.

Don't ever let her stop.

Diets and Dog Poo - Flu and the frozen puppy

I have had the flu.  I haven't felt very well for the past two weeks.  So, I've just eaten whatever and I sure haven't worked out. Not to mention that the tons of snow we've gotten has just been a little depressing!  Something about being snowed in the house just makes me want to wear pajamas all day, sit on the couch with a blanket, and eat everything in sight!  Am I the only one??
My routine is all off.  The kids have been out of school for a week and a half.  I haven't really had any of my daycare kids for that long as well.  Also, I spent a few days in a cold medicine stupor.  I am such a creature of habit.  If my routine gets off kilter, everything else does, too.  So, no healthy eating and exercise lately!  :-(  Hopefully it didn't put me too far behind my goal.  I will start back Monday with gusto!
And, then there is poor Ruth.  The temperatures have been well below 0 F the past couple of nights.  The silly dog refuses to go bed down in the barn on the open part of my brother-in-law's shop.  Oh, I forgot to mention that she has also figured out how to break out of her outdoor kennel that has a closed in area to protect from wind and cold.  I covered a laundry basket in a trash bag and put it up against the grill with a cardboard box around it and a blanket draped over to try to give her a place to lay that would be protected from the cold, but I worried about her so much!  This morning she seemed fine.  She was laying sprawled out on a patch of dry concrete, sunbathing.  I've been considering trying her indoors again.  Am I crazy???  I need a big, giant dog crate....

My spirtual project this year...

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

 I'm seeing a theme in my life.  It seems to go by years, for the most part.  God gives me a part of myself to work on and he throws little projects my way.  Last year was very much about learning humility, letting go of pride and forgiveness.

I'm pretty sure the above verse is what this year is all about.  I'd like to give a big shout out to one Joyce Meyer  for bringing the verse to my attention.  I love her, but man does she call me out sometimes via that TV broadcast in the mornings!

So, this will apply more to the ladies, but how many of you out there have that 1 or 2 people who you consider your "safe" people to talk to.  You know, you get highly irritated with someone, so you pick up the phone and call your BFF or your mom or your sister, maybe even your husband, and "vent."  After all, that doesn't count as gossip, right?  You know it won't go any further than that person, so it's safe to "vent."  And, by vent, I mean GRIPE and JUDGE and TALK BAD ABOUT BEHIND SOMEONE'S BACK.  I mean, sure, it may very well stop with that person, but does that make it ok? And, heck!  Sometimes we get so upset we don't care if the person we are talking to is "safe" or not!  We'll rant and rave to whoever is within ear shot... and then regret it later.

I'm not going to lie to you, I do it!  Sometimes it feels like I just HAVE to get something off my chest!  Someone is taking advantage of me, someone is doing things differently from how I think they should be done, someone hurt my feelings, or someone said something out of line to me.  All this is by MY standards.  But, honestly, how many times do we say a prayer for those people?  How many times do we stop and talk to God about the situation instead of grabbing the phone and sending a catty text to our "safe" person?  Because: A. That text isn't helping ANYONE.  and B. You gotta' be careful with those texts!  Sometimes they go to the wrong people!!!

I'm thinking that instead of judging someone for doing something differently than I think they should, I should see them through God's eyes!  I should realize that God loves this person immensely,  and he wants me to do the same.  I should do what I can to "cover" that person's sins.  I should help make up for their shortcomings where I can and realize that MY idea of a shortcoming is not everyone else's definition of the same.  When someone does something to really hurt me, I should talk to God first.  I should pray FOR that person that God might heal whatever is broken in them that made them act that way.

There's a fine line between being a good Christian and getting totally taken advantage of.  I think there have to be times when we stand up for ourselves and when we are open with people about how they are making us feel or if they are hurting us.  But, I think that we should really seek the Holy Spirit's guidance in how to handle those situations before we act on our impulses.  There's a humble way to approach someone and then there's anger, yelling and fits of rage that don't do ANY good!

Because, after all, the definition of gentle was once explained to me as this: Strength under control.  I have a ways to go, but I really am working on being less judgmental, thinking and praying before I react to others, and trying harder to help "cover" the sins of my sisters and brothers.  Because, God knows I have some things in me that I'd appreciate being covered instead of exposed!