My God of Second Chances (Part 6)

     Anyone who thinks a divorce is no big deal for a child is sorely mistaken.  My daughter has scars on her heart that will never go away.  At 9 years old, there is still residue from the situation that we deal with.  We have come a long way from her nightly, heart wrenching crying for her Daddy and her 4 year old tantrums.  She took everything out on me and, although I knew in my mind that she was just hurt and angry and it was safe to take it out on me, it still hurt my heart.  It was hard to hear my sweet little girl say she hated me and didn't want me to be her mom anymore.  It was hard to watch her hurt and not be able to fix it.  We went through counseling and "Divorce Care" (http://www.divorcecare.com/)and it helped, but I know there will be things she spends a lifetime overcoming. 


     There were doubts along the way about whether or not I did the right thing.  But, I now know I 100% did.  While the situation has still been hard for my son in some ways, he did not face the devastating heart break that my daughter did.  Divorce is hard.  And, it does not just affect the two married people.  There was a domino effect of heartache that happened when our family was torn apart.  It hurt us, our children and our families.  My ex-husband's family meant the world to me.  And, while God has since mended our relationship, there were time periods where things were so strained and the grief we all felt over losing the relationship with one another was as hard as the divorce itself was!


     Being a single parent is hard, too.  I don't care how much Hollywood glamorizes it.  I'm not saying it cannot be done and done well, I'm just saying it is a hard job.  I moved out of my parents house when my children were 4 and 16 months.  I moved in a little apartment in my home town.  I entered a vocational education program that paid a stipend every two weeks.  I got on food stamps and Temporary Aid for Needy Families.  Speaking of pride, I hated using the food stamp card.  But, it was the only way I could feed my kids.  I tried not to use it at the little hometown grocery store because I did not want anyone I knew to see me.  I did not want people to know how off course my life had gone!


     It was just me and my two kids.  It was scary sometimes, but it was also fun sometimes.  We had frozen pizza/movie night every Friday.  We all piled up in my bed every night.  (I couldn't stand them being in the other room at night.)  I tried my best to keep up with everything on my own.  I did the best I could at being both the mom and the dad day in and day out.  And, I did the best I could at keeping busy when they went to their Dad's house.  Dating was minimal.  I was trying to put God first in my life finally and I was listening close to His agenda for my life.  I truly believe he was not ready for me to be in a relationship yet.  Besides that, I could not fathom another man being in my life and around my kids.  Most of the time I felt like I would probably just stay single.  I had emerged from my marriage a very different person that when I entered it.  I had sold myself the lie that no one else would ever want me.  I had two children, I had gained 20 pounds and my 11 pound baby had left my stomach nothing less than what I considered disfigured.  But, single was okay with me...


     I learned a major lesson in life, the years I spent as a single gal.  The lesson I learned is that those nights I cried myself to sleep, wanting arms around me so badly, I should have cried out to Jesus.  Jesus was able to meet my every need.  The emotional needs I had been expecting my ex-husband to fill were needs that he could never have conquered in me.  Those longings were for God in my life.  The ever present ache in my heart was the Holy Spirit grieving for the life I was leading.  Grieving for the relationship with God I had let go of. There was a hole that could not be filled with romantic love or children or jobs or money or anything of this world!  Is it silly to ask Jesus to wrap His arms around you?  I'm here to tell you it is not!  I have had several moments in my life where the pain I felt was so real and the loneliness was overcoming.  I literally have begged my savior, "Please put your arms around me, Jesus.  Let me know you are here."  And, oh, He did!  He put a sense of peace over me that is indescribable.  It is why I love John 14:27 so much: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  I finally realized that Jesus wants an intimate, daily, loving, close relationship with me.  He cares about the tiny details and He wants to be in every part of my life.  Once I finally figured out that piece of the puzzle, God was ready to let me move on to my next chapter in life.  I had veered from his original plan for me and I had gone away from Him.  Therefore, I had suffered a great deal of pain in my life.  Much of which I don't even mention in this story.  But, He can fix anything.  And, He did!  I echo the words of my earthly father:  "It's okay, Baby.  Everybody makes mistakes."  God feels the same way about us.  He knew before I was born every mistake I was going to make and how he was going to fix it once I finally asked him to!  And, His plans are AWESOME!  "Beautiful History" by Plumb

   One day my phone rang while I was driving home...

(To be Cont)