Daddy's Girl

     For 9 grueling months (ok, sorry, I'm not a "I love being pregnant" kind of girl!!) I carried her in my body.  I threw up, dropped down to one cup of coffee a day, turned down even Tylenol for headaches, added to my already awesome collection of stretch marks and endured months of bed rest.  I went through hours and hours of some of the worst pain in my life for her.  And, even after she was out of my body, my body was still her's for almost a year and a half.  I nursed her, held her, missed showers for her, held my bladder until it was convenient for her, and slept only when she allowed it.  When her diaper is dirty, it's me that changes it.  When she needs a bath, I am the one to wash her - including her hair which has become a screaming battle every time.  When she gets shots, for the 10 + strep throat tests she's had, and for all the yucky medicine.... I have held her down.  Dad likes to leave the room because he "can't handle it."  I rock her every night, I sing the songs, I dry the tears, I apply the bandages, and even read most of the books.  It is MY belly button she has to have her finger in to go to sleep and it's my toe that gets stubbed in the dark at 2:30 in the morning when she can't find my belly button in HER bed and I have to go get her, because she is crying: "Momeeeeee!"
     But, ask her, "Who's girl are you?" and every time you'll hear: "Da-eeeee's."  After spending all day pouring my heart and soul in to her raising, Dad walks through the door in the evening and you've never seen her run so fast!  She jumps in his arms and acts like I've been beating her all day!  It is so unfair! She had a really bad diaper rash a few days ago and of course, yours truly had to do the changing and wipe her poor bottom and apply the diaper cream, while she yelled for her Daddy to save her.  And, save her he did, as soon as I was finished with the dirty work!
     But.  I have not lost heart.  Because I know my day will come!  As soon as she is grown and has her own little one growing insider her... well, that'll be MY time to shine!  That's when the tables will turn.  And, she'll always be Daddy's little girl, but I will suddenly be her confidante, her sounding board, her source of information...  The phone will ring and he will answer and she'll say:  "Hey, Dad!  Is mom there?  I need to ask her a question."  And, when the baby comes, Dad will have to leave the room because he "can't handle it."  But, if she'll have me, I'll be right there.
     Ahhhhh, Daddy's little girls.  A mother's rewards are great, but there is a wait for some of the big dividends!  In the meantime, though.... They are pretty cute together.

To Halloween or not to Halloween? I am a Christian...

After having children, my viewpoint on Halloween changed some.  I became a little uncomfortable with it, but I wasn't exactly sure why and I couldn't exactly pinpoint my issue with the holiday.  As a Christian, trying to raise my children in a Christian home, I just wasn't exactly sure what my stance on the holiday SHOULD be.

Let me preface the rest of this blog by telling you that my mother LOVES Halloween.  She decorates the house and the porch and always went all out making our costumes.  Whatever we wanted to dress as, she made it happen!  Witches, bats, gypsies, vampires, genies.... She created just about every costume you could think of over the years.  My mom is a Christian, too!  But, she just really loves the holiday and all the spooky stories and movies.  She was raised in a time where Halloween was something that was all in fun.  It was safe to walk the streets at night and trick or treat everyone in your neighborhood and everyone just had fun with it.

So, for the last 10 years since having children, we've participated in Halloween activities.  They have always gotten to dress up, but it was always something cute.  We've done Eeyore, puppies, tigers, princesses, Wizard of Oz, etc.  We've attended the school and church carnivals and we always trick-or-treat a few people in town that we know and who enjoy seeing the kids dressed up.  And, although I was uncertain exactly how I should approach the holiday as a Christian, I've not felt like it interfered with our faith in any way... until this year.

This year my 10 year old wanted to be a witch.  I was just really uncomfortable about that.  But, I couldn't totally put my finger on why.  My mom was wanting to make her costume and was waiting on my decision about whether or not to allow her to dress as a witch.  Of course, Mom and I had a discussion about it and it was hard for me to express how I feel because I didn't want to make my mother feel like I thought her parenting was less than mine because she had always allowed us to dress up in ghoulish (never gross or gory!) costumes and she felt like it was all in fun and there was nothing wrong with it.  I couldn't find the true reason I was having issue with it.  I told my mom I didn't feel like it was going to interfere with my daughter's faith or walk with God, but it just seemed like a bad witness to other people.  However, I caved!  I let her dress as a witch and my son as a skeleton.  Even though I was still really unsettled about it.  I didn't want to them to wear their costumes to church carnivals and that got me!!  I said to myself: "I should not be letting my kids do anything or act in any way that I wouldn't if we are in church!"  Our lives should be led the same way regardless of what building we are in!  I realized that I for sure had made a mistake in bending on my principles and ignoring my convictions!  I decided to do some Halloween investigation!  I came across an article that Air 1 Radio had on their site and it really let me know what I needed to do. (Link to article: Halloween: Opression or Opportunity)

Halloween (it was not called Halloween then) started before Christ's birth as a pagan holiday in which people dressed as evil beings to trick the true demons.  They wanted to blend in with the demons and evil spirits they believed were walking the earth so that the demons would pass them over and not torment them.  This is DEFINITELY against our religion as Christians.  We believe we should be set apart from the evil of the world and be a light for all to see!  Many years later, after Christ, the Christian church decided to infiltrate this pagan holiday and make it about God.  They named it "All Hallow's Eve" (Which is where the word Halloween comes from.)  They made it about the fact that the only true protection we have from evil is Christ! 

This article gave me the history lesson I needed to tell me exactly how I feel about this holiday and how to explain my convictions.  When my daughter wanted to be a witch and my son a skeleton, I didn't like it, but I didn't have the explanation I needed to tell them "why."  Now I do!  So, even though they were dressed ghoulish this year, it will be the last year.  And, we had a discussion about it.  I told them that we should use Halloween to let everyone know that Jesus is our protection from evil and to celebrate the peace and protection we have from his resurrection.  I will allow my children to celebrate Halloween (or all Hallow's Eve) and they will be allowed to dress up as something cute or funny.  But, there will be no more evil spirits, ghouls, witches or hobgoblins at our house!  And, I think we'll make a tradition of talking about Jesus on that day and reading a verse about why we have nothing to fear in this world.  I have found a verse I really like:  
The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm. -Proverbs 19:23

And, now I know exactly where I stand and WHY!  Everyone has their own convictions.  For instance, the woman who raised me has a very different opinion that I!  And, we can't judge each other on that.  We just both have to accept that our choices are between our selves and God.  I know what God has said to ME on the subject, but I can't know what is truly in anyone else's heart!  So... I can with sound conscience say to you all:  HAPPY HALLOWEEN AND GOD BLESS!!!

Some mercy, please?

So, I have always been a very forgiving person. It just came easy to me; I usually can see past people's actions to their selves and let go of any hurt or resentment. However, the last couple of years have proven to be a little difficult for me in that area. There have been several instances involving people close to me in the last year or so that have caused me to harbor negative feelings towards people that I just can't seem to work past! I resolved myself to thinking it is okay to erase these people from my life to ''guard'' myself from further hurt. Even though my spirit was not quite at ease wth this notion, I told myself it is ok and I can forgive and move on and ''love them from afar.''

This week God has been throwing a message of forgiveness at me left and right. From devotionals to television broadcasts to facebook posts to magazine articles! I just read an article in my P31 Woman magazine and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks... I am the one in need of mercy!

I have been acting towards others out of my own pain! Two years ago October I lost my grandmother (Me-Ma). This happened in the midst of a court battle with my ex husband & his family whom I love dearly. (our relationships have since been restored, praise God!) I was going through a difficult third pregnancy, in and out of the hospital for months after that and on bed rest. While my adorable daughter is an awesome joy to me, my pregnancy caused much stress and tension within my marriage. Not to mention, one of my husband's closest friends passed away the day after she was born and he had his own pain he was soerting out. The next month, three months after Me-Ma's passing, my other grandmother passed away. The ensuing year involved a move, the decision to quit a job I loved, starting a business and a lot of financial strain. There were other battles I faced, too personal to blog about... Did I mention that I was in school full time through all this?

I'm not whining! Things could have been a LOT worse. It was just one of life's valleys. Now that we seem to be on the uphill climb, it's easier to see the dark place I was in. And, today God placed on my heart that he has never chosen to ''love me from afar.'' No matter my transgressions! So, who am I to place anyone out of my reach? Who am I to hold on to someone else's infractions? I realize that while I've been so focused on other people's mistakes and how they need my forgiveness, I should have been looking at my own heart! I have been acting out of pain and stress and fatigue. So, today I asked God to search MY heart and heal the pain that I've not taken the time to deal with and help me to soften towards those around me. I need to realize we are all only human, all with our own private struggles. And, I'm only going to get as much mercy as I give away!!!

My favorite ''job''

Write your Love Story!

Last night I made love to my husband.  Too much information, you say?  Seriously?  You didn't know we did that??  (May I direct you to the daughter we had a year and a half ago?)  Anyway, not that I am trying to give you too much information here, but I'm not just talking about your everyday, run-of-the-mill, "roll in the hay."  I mean, I truly made LOVE to him.  Yes, for any of you guys that are reading this, I'm getting in to the emotional aspect of things, of course.  You gals... well, you know what I am talking about!


I read a story yesterday a woman wrote about falling in love with her now husband.  I could not stop reading it!!  I neglected almost all my wifely/motherly duties yesterday in order to finish reading her blog about the courtship between her and her hubby.  I couldn't stop reading it because it reminded me so much of my own story about my own husband.  While I read her words, I relived our story in my mind - and in my heart.  For the whole day I had all these emotions flooding back to me that reminded  me exactly what it was that made me fall in love with my husband.


I love him more now than I did before we married.  I truly do.  We have been through so much together in our short 3+ years since our wedding.  And, although there have been times when it seemed that life was trying to rip us apart, we came through it closer than before.  (Although, sadly, that is not always the case with couples.)  However, somewhere along the way, that deep fiery passion that I felt when we were dating has been extinguished some due to all the stress of everyday life.  Laying down every night, enveloped in his arms is just the norm now.  It is not some new, exhilarating feeling.  It is warm, familiar and comforting.

But, in his arms is where I fell in love!  I fell in love with the warm, strong, gentle, protective, comforted feeling I got when his big, muscular arms were around me.  I fell in love with the fact that I knew he could literally squeeze the life out of me if he wanted to, but he was so tender and gentle when I was in his arms.  Gently caressing my back or twirling my hair.  I remember the exact moment that I thought, "I could stay here forever."  And, I remember 100 emotions hurling at me as I realized the fear of that thought was not quite as big as the fear of NOT staying there forever.  How could I have ever gotten complacent about those arms around me??  I love them more now than I did then.  I have watched them comfort my first two children, discipline them, and wrestle and tickle them.  I watched them hold our tiny newborn daughter more timidly and delicately than those arms had ever done anything.  I've watched them build fence, fix little girl hair, work cows, change light bulbs, chop wood and tuck in my children at night.  How could I curl up in them every night and take for granted the deep, immense emotion that those beautiful, strong arms are capable of evoking in me???


It's just life!  We just get so tired.  We get complacent and we take for granted the most important things to us.  After reading the story yesterday I remembered not only my deep love for my husband, but I remember the unadulterated passion I have for him.  I entertained the thought of how fragile life is and how very easily my life could have ended up so different from how it is now.  I thought of how very easily he could have never been a part of my life at all.  But, God, in all his intricate, delicate planning, put my beloved in my life - just for me!  He spent years molding and forming us so that we would fit so very perfectly together.  How incredulous it is that I would take that for granted!


I think maybe, just maybe, if we all wrote our love stories out;  if we sat for a day or so, recalling all the beautiful, passionate moments that culminated the love we now have, then just maybe we wouldn't take so much for granted and maybe the odds of making it for the long haul would be better than they are!  Maybe if we re-read our love stories from time to time it would give us back the passion and urgency that brought us together in the first place - the fiery passion that the mundane and the trials of life seem to drown out over time.  Maybe, more often, we would truly make LOVE to one another and not go looking elsewhere for things we really already have.  Just maybe...

Mascara!!

Ok... so this is NOT a paid advertisement!  I consider myself a connoisseur of sorts when it comes to mascara.  It is the one cosmetic item that I just can't live without!  My lashes aren't the longest, but aren't super short, either.  They are decently thick.  BUT, just like my hair, they are STRAIGHT.  So, no matter how much mascara I put on, they don't look a lot different because they grow straight forward.  Even when I curl them, they just fall back flat in no time.  I recently came across my favorite mascara to date!  Rimmell Lash Maxxx.  It comes in a black tube with a hot pink top.  It has kind of a funny applicator, but it is great!  One coat makes my lashes look fuller, way longer, and it holds them in place!  If you have the same issues I do with your lashes, try this out!!!

This is NOT my home.

I have spent my entire life trying to conform to this world.  Much of my life consisted of someone trying (out of love) to convince me to change who I am.  "Sis, you are going to HAVE to stand up for yourself."  "You are SO sensitive."  "I can't believe you would still be friends with them after they did that to you."  And, on and on and on...

I am grateful to God for the way he made me... now.  I realize that my faith has come very easy to me because I have never felt like I truly belong here on Earth.  I cannot boast about my gentle spirit, patience or slow anger.  Those are all gifts to me from God and I, myself, had no control over the personality traits and spiritual gifts He bestowed on me before I was ever even born.  But, I used to really dislike the way I am.  I remember being young and figuring out our spiritual gifts in Sunday School.  Mine, of course, was mercy.  And, I so often I felt like that was a double edged sword.  While I relished in the fact that God gave me certain gifts because He had special plans for using me to glorify His kingdom, mercy is not always fun.  It is hard to explain to people why you would still carry on with someone who has hurt you greatly.  It is hard to explain that you see beyond that to the hurt they are feeling inside themselves and you just want to "fix" it.  God sometimes gives me the ability to truly feel someone else's pain even though I've not been in their situation.  How do you make someone believe that you "know how they feel?"  And, sometimes you want to shut off that ability because you just don't want to feel that!  Over the years, I learned to quit watching the news, to look the other way from homeless people on the side of the road, to turn the TV when the St. Jude's Telethon comes on.  Maybe that sounds awful, but if you knew the times I sat and bawled for an hour after hearing or reading something, with the knowledge that there is nothing I can do!!!

It cracks me up when people refer to me as "laid back."  I am... on the surface.  And, it is true that I don't anger quickly or yell or get outwardly excited about things.  But, on the inside I am anything but laid back.  On the inside I am in knots constantly and anxious all the time.  I think this is because I feel so out of place here on Earth.  It is so hard for me to comprehend the evil that surrounds us all the time and the behaviors of some people are just beyond my understanding.  And, if I had to name my biggest struggle in my walk with God, that is it!  Worry.  Instead of trusting Him to take care of everything, I worry and fret over everything. (In example: checking the door locks several times each night!!)  When what I should be clinging to is this:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

All my life I have been told to stand up for myself.  But, God says: "Blessed are the gentle[Or humble, meek ], for they shall inherit the earth." -Matthew 5:5  I've been mocked for wearing my heart on my sleeve and being so quick to tears, but God says to me: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4.  The world shakes it's head at me for those I have forgiven "too easily."  But, God's word says: "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." -Colossians 12-13

The  more time goes by, the more thankful I am that God made it so easy on me.  I hear people say they are not ready to go to Heaven.  They feel like they will be missing out on something this world has to offer.  And, while there are many beautiful, joyous things here, I cannot wait to meet my maker!  God made it so that I would never be totally comfortable here and that makes it so much easier to long for Him and His ways!  I have experienced the peace of the Holy Spirit and the thought of living with that constantly is very appealing to me!  But, I know that while I spend my time here on Earth, my eyes must be on Jesus.  This time here is short, although that is hard for us to fathom.  Those of us who have chosen so, will spend an unimagineable eternity in Heaven.  The trials of this world will pass along with the money, bills, posessions, housework, etc... What will matter is HOW we chose to live while we were here and how we treated the people around us.  As Jesus was preparing his disciples for his departure from this Earth, he said this to them: (it is my favorite verse) "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Therefore, let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  Don't get too comfortable here!  One way or the other, we won't be here long.  But, I know I can have great peace while I'm here.  I wish you the same, friends.