So, I have always been a very forgiving person. It just came easy to me; I usually can see past people's actions to their selves and let go of any hurt or resentment. However, the last couple of years have proven to be a little difficult for me in that area. There have been several instances involving people close to me in the last year or so that have caused me to harbor negative feelings towards people that I just can't seem to work past! I resolved myself to thinking it is okay to erase these people from my life to ''guard'' myself from further hurt. Even though my spirit was not quite at ease wth this notion, I told myself it is ok and I can forgive and move on and ''love them from afar.''
This week God has been throwing a message of forgiveness at me left and right. From devotionals to television broadcasts to facebook posts to magazine articles! I just read an article in my P31 Woman magazine and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks... I am the one in need of mercy!
I have been acting towards others out of my own pain! Two years ago October I lost my grandmother (Me-Ma). This happened in the midst of a court battle with my ex husband & his family whom I love dearly. (our relationships have since been restored, praise God!) I was going through a difficult third pregnancy, in and out of the hospital for months after that and on bed rest. While my adorable daughter is an awesome joy to me, my pregnancy caused much stress and tension within my marriage. Not to mention, one of my husband's closest friends passed away the day after she was born and he had his own pain he was soerting out. The next month, three months after Me-Ma's passing, my other grandmother passed away. The ensuing year involved a move, the decision to quit a job I loved, starting a business and a lot of financial strain. There were other battles I faced, too personal to blog about... Did I mention that I was in school full time through all this?
I'm not whining! Things could have been a LOT worse. It was just one of life's valleys. Now that we seem to be on the uphill climb, it's easier to see the dark place I was in. And, today God placed on my heart that he has never chosen to ''love me from afar.'' No matter my transgressions! So, who am I to place anyone out of my reach? Who am I to hold on to someone else's infractions? I realize that while I've been so focused on other people's mistakes and how they need my forgiveness, I should have been looking at my own heart! I have been acting out of pain and stress and fatigue. So, today I asked God to search MY heart and heal the pain that I've not taken the time to deal with and help me to soften towards those around me. I need to realize we are all only human, all with our own private struggles. And, I'm only going to get as much mercy as I give away!!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Write your Love Story!
Last night I made love to my husband. Too much information, you say? Seriously? You didn't know we did that?? (May I direct you to the daughter we had a year and a half ago?) Anyway, not that I am trying to give you too much information here, but I'm not just talking about your everyday, run-of-the-mill, "roll in the hay." I mean, I truly made LOVE to him. Yes, for any of you guys that are reading this, I'm getting in to the emotional aspect of things, of course. You gals... well, you know what I am talking about!
I read a story yesterday a woman wrote about falling in love with her now husband. I could not stop reading it!! I neglected almost all my wifely/motherly duties yesterday in order to finish reading her blog about the courtship between her and her hubby. I couldn't stop reading it because it reminded me so much of my own story about my own husband. While I read her words, I relived our story in my mind - and in my heart. For the whole day I had all these emotions flooding back to me that reminded me exactly what it was that made me fall in love with my husband.
I love him more now than I did before we married. I truly do. We have been through so much together in our short 3+ years since our wedding. And, although there have been times when it seemed that life was trying to rip us apart, we came through it closer than before. (Although, sadly, that is not always the case with couples.) However, somewhere along the way, that deep fiery passion that I felt when we were dating has been extinguished some due to all the stress of everyday life. Laying down every night, enveloped in his arms is just the norm now. It is not some new, exhilarating feeling. It is warm, familiar and comforting.
But, in his arms is where I fell in love! I fell in love with the warm, strong, gentle, protective, comforted feeling I got when his big, muscular arms were around me. I fell in love with the fact that I knew he could literally squeeze the life out of me if he wanted to, but he was so tender and gentle when I was in his arms. Gently caressing my back or twirling my hair. I remember the exact moment that I thought, "I could stay here forever." And, I remember 100 emotions hurling at me as I realized the fear of that thought was not quite as big as the fear of NOT staying there forever. How could I have ever gotten complacent about those arms around me?? I love them more now than I did then. I have watched them comfort my first two children, discipline them, and wrestle and tickle them. I watched them hold our tiny newborn daughter more timidly and delicately than those arms had ever done anything. I've watched them build fence, fix little girl hair, work cows, change light bulbs, chop wood and tuck in my children at night. How could I curl up in them every night and take for granted the deep, immense emotion that those beautiful, strong arms are capable of evoking in me???
It's just life! We just get so tired. We get complacent and we take for granted the most important things to us. After reading the story yesterday I remembered not only my deep love for my husband, but I remember the unadulterated passion I have for him. I entertained the thought of how fragile life is and how very easily my life could have ended up so different from how it is now. I thought of how very easily he could have never been a part of my life at all. But, God, in all his intricate, delicate planning, put my beloved in my life - just for me! He spent years molding and forming us so that we would fit so very perfectly together. How incredulous it is that I would take that for granted!
I think maybe, just maybe, if we all wrote our love stories out; if we sat for a day or so, recalling all the beautiful, passionate moments that culminated the love we now have, then just maybe we wouldn't take so much for granted and maybe the odds of making it for the long haul would be better than they are! Maybe if we re-read our love stories from time to time it would give us back the passion and urgency that brought us together in the first place - the fiery passion that the mundane and the trials of life seem to drown out over time. Maybe, more often, we would truly make LOVE to one another and not go looking elsewhere for things we really already have. Just maybe...
I read a story yesterday a woman wrote about falling in love with her now husband. I could not stop reading it!! I neglected almost all my wifely/motherly duties yesterday in order to finish reading her blog about the courtship between her and her hubby. I couldn't stop reading it because it reminded me so much of my own story about my own husband. While I read her words, I relived our story in my mind - and in my heart. For the whole day I had all these emotions flooding back to me that reminded me exactly what it was that made me fall in love with my husband.
I love him more now than I did before we married. I truly do. We have been through so much together in our short 3+ years since our wedding. And, although there have been times when it seemed that life was trying to rip us apart, we came through it closer than before. (Although, sadly, that is not always the case with couples.) However, somewhere along the way, that deep fiery passion that I felt when we were dating has been extinguished some due to all the stress of everyday life. Laying down every night, enveloped in his arms is just the norm now. It is not some new, exhilarating feeling. It is warm, familiar and comforting.
But, in his arms is where I fell in love! I fell in love with the warm, strong, gentle, protective, comforted feeling I got when his big, muscular arms were around me. I fell in love with the fact that I knew he could literally squeeze the life out of me if he wanted to, but he was so tender and gentle when I was in his arms. Gently caressing my back or twirling my hair. I remember the exact moment that I thought, "I could stay here forever." And, I remember 100 emotions hurling at me as I realized the fear of that thought was not quite as big as the fear of NOT staying there forever. How could I have ever gotten complacent about those arms around me?? I love them more now than I did then. I have watched them comfort my first two children, discipline them, and wrestle and tickle them. I watched them hold our tiny newborn daughter more timidly and delicately than those arms had ever done anything. I've watched them build fence, fix little girl hair, work cows, change light bulbs, chop wood and tuck in my children at night. How could I curl up in them every night and take for granted the deep, immense emotion that those beautiful, strong arms are capable of evoking in me???
It's just life! We just get so tired. We get complacent and we take for granted the most important things to us. After reading the story yesterday I remembered not only my deep love for my husband, but I remember the unadulterated passion I have for him. I entertained the thought of how fragile life is and how very easily my life could have ended up so different from how it is now. I thought of how very easily he could have never been a part of my life at all. But, God, in all his intricate, delicate planning, put my beloved in my life - just for me! He spent years molding and forming us so that we would fit so very perfectly together. How incredulous it is that I would take that for granted!
I think maybe, just maybe, if we all wrote our love stories out; if we sat for a day or so, recalling all the beautiful, passionate moments that culminated the love we now have, then just maybe we wouldn't take so much for granted and maybe the odds of making it for the long haul would be better than they are! Maybe if we re-read our love stories from time to time it would give us back the passion and urgency that brought us together in the first place - the fiery passion that the mundane and the trials of life seem to drown out over time. Maybe, more often, we would truly make LOVE to one another and not go looking elsewhere for things we really already have. Just maybe...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Mascara!!
Ok... so this is NOT a paid advertisement! I consider myself a connoisseur of sorts when it comes to mascara. It is the one cosmetic item that I just can't live without! My lashes aren't the longest, but aren't super short, either. They are decently thick. BUT, just like my hair, they are STRAIGHT. So, no matter how much mascara I put on, they don't look a lot different because they grow straight forward. Even when I curl them, they just fall back flat in no time. I recently came across my favorite mascara to date! Rimmell Lash Maxxx. It comes in a black tube with a hot pink top. It has kind of a funny applicator, but it is great! One coat makes my lashes look fuller, way longer, and it holds them in place! If you have the same issues I do with your lashes, try this out!!!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
This is NOT my home.
I have spent my entire life trying to conform to this world. Much of my life consisted of someone trying (out of love) to convince me to change who I am. "Sis, you are going to HAVE to stand up for yourself." "You are SO sensitive." "I can't believe you would still be friends with them after they did that to you." And, on and on and on...
I am grateful to God for the way he made me... now. I realize that my faith has come very easy to me because I have never felt like I truly belong here on Earth. I cannot boast about my gentle spirit, patience or slow anger. Those are all gifts to me from God and I, myself, had no control over the personality traits and spiritual gifts He bestowed on me before I was ever even born. But, I used to really dislike the way I am. I remember being young and figuring out our spiritual gifts in Sunday School. Mine, of course, was mercy. And, I so often I felt like that was a double edged sword. While I relished in the fact that God gave me certain gifts because He had special plans for using me to glorify His kingdom, mercy is not always fun. It is hard to explain to people why you would still carry on with someone who has hurt you greatly. It is hard to explain that you see beyond that to the hurt they are feeling inside themselves and you just want to "fix" it. God sometimes gives me the ability to truly feel someone else's pain even though I've not been in their situation. How do you make someone believe that you "know how they feel?" And, sometimes you want to shut off that ability because you just don't want to feel that! Over the years, I learned to quit watching the news, to look the other way from homeless people on the side of the road, to turn the TV when the St. Jude's Telethon comes on. Maybe that sounds awful, but if you knew the times I sat and bawled for an hour after hearing or reading something, with the knowledge that there is nothing I can do!!!
It cracks me up when people refer to me as "laid back." I am... on the surface. And, it is true that I don't anger quickly or yell or get outwardly excited about things. But, on the inside I am anything but laid back. On the inside I am in knots constantly and anxious all the time. I think this is because I feel so out of place here on Earth. It is so hard for me to comprehend the evil that surrounds us all the time and the behaviors of some people are just beyond my understanding. And, if I had to name my biggest struggle in my walk with God, that is it! Worry. Instead of trusting Him to take care of everything, I worry and fret over everything. (In example: checking the door locks several times each night!!) When what I should be clinging to is this:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
All my life I have been told to stand up for myself. But, God says: "Blessed are the gentle[Or humble, meek ], for they shall inherit the earth." -Matthew 5:5 I've been mocked for wearing my heart on my sleeve and being so quick to tears, but God says to me: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4. The world shakes it's head at me for those I have forgiven "too easily." But, God's word says: "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." -Colossians 12-13
The more time goes by, the more thankful I am that God made it so easy on me. I hear people say they are not ready to go to Heaven. They feel like they will be missing out on something this world has to offer. And, while there are many beautiful, joyous things here, I cannot wait to meet my maker! God made it so that I would never be totally comfortable here and that makes it so much easier to long for Him and His ways! I have experienced the peace of the Holy Spirit and the thought of living with that constantly is very appealing to me! But, I know that while I spend my time here on Earth, my eyes must be on Jesus. This time here is short, although that is hard for us to fathom. Those of us who have chosen so, will spend an unimagineable eternity in Heaven. The trials of this world will pass along with the money, bills, posessions, housework, etc... What will matter is HOW we chose to live while we were here and how we treated the people around us. As Jesus was preparing his disciples for his departure from this Earth, he said this to them: (it is my favorite verse) "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Therefore, let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Don't get too comfortable here! One way or the other, we won't be here long. But, I know I can have great peace while I'm here. I wish you the same, friends.
I am grateful to God for the way he made me... now. I realize that my faith has come very easy to me because I have never felt like I truly belong here on Earth. I cannot boast about my gentle spirit, patience or slow anger. Those are all gifts to me from God and I, myself, had no control over the personality traits and spiritual gifts He bestowed on me before I was ever even born. But, I used to really dislike the way I am. I remember being young and figuring out our spiritual gifts in Sunday School. Mine, of course, was mercy. And, I so often I felt like that was a double edged sword. While I relished in the fact that God gave me certain gifts because He had special plans for using me to glorify His kingdom, mercy is not always fun. It is hard to explain to people why you would still carry on with someone who has hurt you greatly. It is hard to explain that you see beyond that to the hurt they are feeling inside themselves and you just want to "fix" it. God sometimes gives me the ability to truly feel someone else's pain even though I've not been in their situation. How do you make someone believe that you "know how they feel?" And, sometimes you want to shut off that ability because you just don't want to feel that! Over the years, I learned to quit watching the news, to look the other way from homeless people on the side of the road, to turn the TV when the St. Jude's Telethon comes on. Maybe that sounds awful, but if you knew the times I sat and bawled for an hour after hearing or reading something, with the knowledge that there is nothing I can do!!!
It cracks me up when people refer to me as "laid back." I am... on the surface. And, it is true that I don't anger quickly or yell or get outwardly excited about things. But, on the inside I am anything but laid back. On the inside I am in knots constantly and anxious all the time. I think this is because I feel so out of place here on Earth. It is so hard for me to comprehend the evil that surrounds us all the time and the behaviors of some people are just beyond my understanding. And, if I had to name my biggest struggle in my walk with God, that is it! Worry. Instead of trusting Him to take care of everything, I worry and fret over everything. (In example: checking the door locks several times each night!!) When what I should be clinging to is this:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
All my life I have been told to stand up for myself. But, God says: "Blessed are the gentle[Or humble, meek ], for they shall inherit the earth." -Matthew 5:5 I've been mocked for wearing my heart on my sleeve and being so quick to tears, but God says to me: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4. The world shakes it's head at me for those I have forgiven "too easily." But, God's word says: "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." -Colossians 12-13
The more time goes by, the more thankful I am that God made it so easy on me. I hear people say they are not ready to go to Heaven. They feel like they will be missing out on something this world has to offer. And, while there are many beautiful, joyous things here, I cannot wait to meet my maker! God made it so that I would never be totally comfortable here and that makes it so much easier to long for Him and His ways! I have experienced the peace of the Holy Spirit and the thought of living with that constantly is very appealing to me! But, I know that while I spend my time here on Earth, my eyes must be on Jesus. This time here is short, although that is hard for us to fathom. Those of us who have chosen so, will spend an unimagineable eternity in Heaven. The trials of this world will pass along with the money, bills, posessions, housework, etc... What will matter is HOW we chose to live while we were here and how we treated the people around us. As Jesus was preparing his disciples for his departure from this Earth, he said this to them: (it is my favorite verse) "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Therefore, let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Don't get too comfortable here! One way or the other, we won't be here long. But, I know I can have great peace while I'm here. I wish you the same, friends.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
What's on the top of your list???
So many of us have that imaginary list of priorities in our mind. In my mind it is a picture of a piece of notebook paper with a neatly typed, (don't ask me why it is TYPED on notebook paper....) and numbered list. It is an idealistic thing in my mind. Of course, God is #1, then my family, then.... But, this last couple of weeks I've taken a good, hard, painful look at what my list REALLY says - in real life. Because in my head, things are always ideal (I.E. the picture of ME in my head is of a slim 18 year old I used to know!) I've come to realize that God is nowhere near the top of my list. And, really, neither is my family. Sure, I love them the most, but do I show them that the most? I mean, if I'm real with myself, my computer and housework has been coming before my family and God. Sure, the housework I do is for my family, in part, but how many times a day to I tell my children, "Just a minute." And, do I ever truly go back and take that minute to be truly present with them? Not nearly enough. It makes me choke up just thinking about it. I've come to realize that even my bestie comes before God, truly. If I have a complaint, a worry, a praise, a joyous thought, a funny notion - I call or text her. I don't go talk to God about it first. I don't take the quiet moments often enough to listen to what His spirit is telling me.
This morning I went and laid in my almost 10 year old daughter's bed as she was waking up. I held her in my arms and it took everything I had in me not to just start bawling my eyes out. When did she quit crawling in to my bed at night and my lap to be rocked and read to. When did that happen??? I missed it. Truly, life is just busy and there is no way around the fact that I have to do laundry and cook and clean. But, I know in my heart, my idealistic list of priorities needs to be made more than just an ideal...
This morning I went and laid in my almost 10 year old daughter's bed as she was waking up. I held her in my arms and it took everything I had in me not to just start bawling my eyes out. When did she quit crawling in to my bed at night and my lap to be rocked and read to. When did that happen??? I missed it. Truly, life is just busy and there is no way around the fact that I have to do laundry and cook and clean. But, I know in my heart, my idealistic list of priorities needs to be made more than just an ideal...
Friday, May 14, 2010
Laissez les bons temps rouler!!!
Many people dread turning 30. Today I am doing just that, and I am excited! I am welcoming and embracing my 30's! My last 10 years have been amazing. A roller coaster of ups and downs. Probably most of the great momentous events of my life have happened in the last 10 years....
I was married in 2000 and had my first child. By 2003 I was divorced with two children, a bankruptcy, broke and barely a leg to stand on! I worked myself up to a vocational certification in Child Care, to a good job with benefits, to a supervisory position in that job, to owning my own business, and in 7 months I will have obtained my Bachelors degree, all the while raising a family, being a wife and keeping up with a household. I sent my little brother off to boot camp, then to war, and feel the pangs of grief that he is so far away from us, and the swelling of pride for how far he has come and the great sacrifices he makes for our nation. I married my husband in 2007, blended our family (not always easy!) and had my precious red head in 2008. I've been a single mom and I've swallowed pride and fear to hand over half the reins of child rearing to someone else. I broke down thick walls of protection over my heart to love another man and share my life with him. I watched by baby sister get married and held my mother's hand as she dealt with the pain of her last child leaving her home. (And, that has made me appreciate this time in my life all the more!) We buried 3 of my grandparents - my two grandmothers within 3 months of each other and had a baby in between them. (When was there time to grieve??) I've watched my two oldest children's hearts break, often over my own shortcomings, and had no way to "make it better." I've watched their resilient little hearts recover and seen the amazing affects of our new found stability. I was right there as each of them gave their hearts to Jesus and felt the all consuming comfort of knowing we'll all be together in the great beyond!!
There are moments in my 20's that I will NEVER forget! How do you erase the first flutter of a child growing in your womb? How do you ever forget looking in to the love of your life's eyes, and promising yourself to them? The sorrows, pain and hardships are all just part of life. I look back to 10 years ago. I see a scared, pregnant 20 year old, growing up too soon. Mothers Day was on my birthday that year. The person I am now has been shaped by all the things that have happened between then and now. God has put me through the fire, he has shaped me and molded me and sometimes it has hurt!!! He has taught me things I will never forget, the most important of which is that the only way is His way and I have learned to rely on Him for my every need. This is not to say that my trials are over! No, I am not that naive!
We bought a house last year. That was my 9 time to move in 10 years. I sit back now, and look at my life and it feels so stable. It feels so good to know that, more than likely, where I am at is where I'll be for some time. I feel like for the first time in so long, I can sit back, take a deep breath, and truly enjoy my life! And, when the curve balls come - as they are sure to from time to time - I am so much more ready than I used to be... So, as I consider the next 10 years, I say to life:
Laissez les bons temps rouler!!! (Let the good times roll!!!)
"Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.'" -Nehemiah 8:10
"He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." -Psalm 91:15-16
I was married in 2000 and had my first child. By 2003 I was divorced with two children, a bankruptcy, broke and barely a leg to stand on! I worked myself up to a vocational certification in Child Care, to a good job with benefits, to a supervisory position in that job, to owning my own business, and in 7 months I will have obtained my Bachelors degree, all the while raising a family, being a wife and keeping up with a household. I sent my little brother off to boot camp, then to war, and feel the pangs of grief that he is so far away from us, and the swelling of pride for how far he has come and the great sacrifices he makes for our nation. I married my husband in 2007, blended our family (not always easy!) and had my precious red head in 2008. I've been a single mom and I've swallowed pride and fear to hand over half the reins of child rearing to someone else. I broke down thick walls of protection over my heart to love another man and share my life with him. I watched by baby sister get married and held my mother's hand as she dealt with the pain of her last child leaving her home. (And, that has made me appreciate this time in my life all the more!) We buried 3 of my grandparents - my two grandmothers within 3 months of each other and had a baby in between them. (When was there time to grieve??) I've watched my two oldest children's hearts break, often over my own shortcomings, and had no way to "make it better." I've watched their resilient little hearts recover and seen the amazing affects of our new found stability. I was right there as each of them gave their hearts to Jesus and felt the all consuming comfort of knowing we'll all be together in the great beyond!!
There are moments in my 20's that I will NEVER forget! How do you erase the first flutter of a child growing in your womb? How do you ever forget looking in to the love of your life's eyes, and promising yourself to them? The sorrows, pain and hardships are all just part of life. I look back to 10 years ago. I see a scared, pregnant 20 year old, growing up too soon. Mothers Day was on my birthday that year. The person I am now has been shaped by all the things that have happened between then and now. God has put me through the fire, he has shaped me and molded me and sometimes it has hurt!!! He has taught me things I will never forget, the most important of which is that the only way is His way and I have learned to rely on Him for my every need. This is not to say that my trials are over! No, I am not that naive!
We bought a house last year. That was my 9 time to move in 10 years. I sit back now, and look at my life and it feels so stable. It feels so good to know that, more than likely, where I am at is where I'll be for some time. I feel like for the first time in so long, I can sit back, take a deep breath, and truly enjoy my life! And, when the curve balls come - as they are sure to from time to time - I am so much more ready than I used to be... So, as I consider the next 10 years, I say to life:
Laissez les bons temps rouler!!! (Let the good times roll!!!)
"Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.'" -Nehemiah 8:10
"He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." -Psalm 91:15-16
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