Someday (A poem)

Photo Courtesy of: Mecie Gauntt Photography

Someday we'll be old,
And won't these days seem grand?
Someday I'll be feeble,
But I know you'll hold my hand.
Someday we'll get old -
Our bones will barely walk.
Someday our house will be quiet,
And, of these times we'll talk!
Someday we'll be old,
But I'll remember this.
Remember loud and busy times.
Remember many a sticky kiss.
Remember messy bedrooms,
And shoes in the floor.
Remember little running feet,
And crayon marks on the door.
Someday our bed will be so big
without a little one in between.
Someday we'll wish they were here -
The house will be clean.
Someday you'll be gone.
And someday so will I.
And someday will be here...
In the blink of an eye.


By: Christin Bolinger
December 16, 2010

(I had this picture and the poem put on a canvas for my hubby for Christmas.)  *Please respect that this is an original poem*

It is finished...

*deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath* Ahhhhhhhhh.  I am bordering on GIDDY!  3 years after I started back to school full time (including Summers!) and I am finally finished.  I know it's been 12+ years since I first started my college career, but I am pretty darn proud of myself for doing this.  I started in January, 2008.  At this point I had a full time job, 2 children, and had been married for a little less than a year to my husband.  At the end of my first semester, I found out I was pregnant.  We had planned to have another child, but AFTER I was finished with school.  We were living in a 2 bedroom trailer at the time because it was on his family's "farm" and we weren't having to pay any rent.  So... the plan was for me to finish school, us to buy a house, and then add to our family.  (My first two children were from a previous marriage.)  So, our little surprise didn't really fit in to the plan.  Especially since I had waited to start back to school full time until my children were a little older.  Now I was going to have a newborn!  I was not going to quit, though!  So, I pushed through, and thank God my last class was online that Fall because I was put on bed rest.  My sweet baby girl had to be induced 3 weeks early due to my extremely high blood pressure (pretty standard for my pregnancies).  This was a blessing in disguise because my classes started back just  a few days after her original due date.  So, with a 3 week old newborn at home I went to my first evening class, leaving her with Daddy and my mother-in-law.  I told my husband that there was no possible way I could work full time, go to school full time, and have a newborn.  We decided either school or work had to go and we also decided that me finishing school was more important.  So, after a lot of tears (I happened to love my job and had worked pretty hard to get to the position I was in there) I made the decision to leave my job and after a few months we decided we had outgrown our little trailer.  (We had actually about outgrown it before the baby came!!)  So, God intervened again and allowed us to buy my former boss's house, which was right next door to my brother-in-law.  The price was right and the location was perfect.  Also, little did I know, the set up of the house was perfect for the home daycare I was opening!  We just couldn't afford a house without 2 incomes, so my solution to staying at home with the baby so I could still go to school was to work at home.  (See my other blog: Chronicles of a Happy, Blessed Mess)  This proved to me a much larger undertaking than I imagined, but very rewarding.  While I did get to stay at home with my kids FINALLY (it was huge dream of mine!), I sure didn't have any extra time for homework!  With between 4 and 7 kids at the house there is not time for homework and I put in a good 10-12 hour day most days.  I actually could have graduated in May of this year had I really loaded myself down in the spring and taken one more class in the Summer.  Instead, I decided to give myself a break, take the Summer off and finish out in the Fall.  This last semester has proven to be the largest workload and most stressful of all!!  I had told myself that December was my goal for graduation, weight loss and some life changes I needed to make.  However, I caved under all the stress and none of those other things were accomplished.  And, actually, under all the stress, I completely forgot to apply for graduation in time!  So.... I just think God granted me an extension on my goals.  I will graduate officially in May.

So.  Now that I can breathe deeply again for what seems like the first time in almost 3 years, I feel like I'll have plenty of energy to spend on my poor house, my poor family, and my poor body until May!!  I am thinking of a 19 year old girl. I allude to her a lot in my blogs because she is so much a part of me!  She had to quit school, move away from all her friends, live in a college town with old classmates saying bad things about her behind her back (which got back to her, as those things usually do!) while they went on with their lives in college, doing what normal 19-20 year olds do.  She thought in the back of her mind that she might not ever finish school.  (You see, she was pretty beat down and had lost a lot of self esteem)  She started growing up and she spent all her time on her babies and became a single mom and there was never time for her and there was never time for school.  But, now, this 30 year old is looking back at her and smiling.  And, I'd just like to say, "Hey, girl!  Look at us.  We made it, you and me.  I always knew we could.  Let's see what next!"

;-)  *tear*  (but, it's a happy one!)

Christmas card 2 2010

Lovingly Wrapped American Lung Association Holiday 5x7 folded card

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He takes my breath away...

Noticed it when we were dating. I found myself literally unable to catch my breath at times. I felt silly having to pull away from him and take a deep breath in the middle of a passionate kiss. To this day, after years, it's still hard to breathe through that first embrace or kiss...

But, give a little while in his arms, and I'm breathing easier than ever. Relaxed, safe, embraced - home... *Sigh*

Daddy's Girl

     For 9 grueling months (ok, sorry, I'm not a "I love being pregnant" kind of girl!!) I carried her in my body.  I threw up, dropped down to one cup of coffee a day, turned down even Tylenol for headaches, added to my already awesome collection of stretch marks and endured months of bed rest.  I went through hours and hours of some of the worst pain in my life for her.  And, even after she was out of my body, my body was still her's for almost a year and a half.  I nursed her, held her, missed showers for her, held my bladder until it was convenient for her, and slept only when she allowed it.  When her diaper is dirty, it's me that changes it.  When she needs a bath, I am the one to wash her - including her hair which has become a screaming battle every time.  When she gets shots, for the 10 + strep throat tests she's had, and for all the yucky medicine.... I have held her down.  Dad likes to leave the room because he "can't handle it."  I rock her every night, I sing the songs, I dry the tears, I apply the bandages, and even read most of the books.  It is MY belly button she has to have her finger in to go to sleep and it's my toe that gets stubbed in the dark at 2:30 in the morning when she can't find my belly button in HER bed and I have to go get her, because she is crying: "Momeeeeee!"
     But, ask her, "Who's girl are you?" and every time you'll hear: "Da-eeeee's."  After spending all day pouring my heart and soul in to her raising, Dad walks through the door in the evening and you've never seen her run so fast!  She jumps in his arms and acts like I've been beating her all day!  It is so unfair! She had a really bad diaper rash a few days ago and of course, yours truly had to do the changing and wipe her poor bottom and apply the diaper cream, while she yelled for her Daddy to save her.  And, save her he did, as soon as I was finished with the dirty work!
     But.  I have not lost heart.  Because I know my day will come!  As soon as she is grown and has her own little one growing insider her... well, that'll be MY time to shine!  That's when the tables will turn.  And, she'll always be Daddy's little girl, but I will suddenly be her confidante, her sounding board, her source of information...  The phone will ring and he will answer and she'll say:  "Hey, Dad!  Is mom there?  I need to ask her a question."  And, when the baby comes, Dad will have to leave the room because he "can't handle it."  But, if she'll have me, I'll be right there.
     Ahhhhh, Daddy's little girls.  A mother's rewards are great, but there is a wait for some of the big dividends!  In the meantime, though.... They are pretty cute together.

To Halloween or not to Halloween? I am a Christian...

After having children, my viewpoint on Halloween changed some.  I became a little uncomfortable with it, but I wasn't exactly sure why and I couldn't exactly pinpoint my issue with the holiday.  As a Christian, trying to raise my children in a Christian home, I just wasn't exactly sure what my stance on the holiday SHOULD be.

Let me preface the rest of this blog by telling you that my mother LOVES Halloween.  She decorates the house and the porch and always went all out making our costumes.  Whatever we wanted to dress as, she made it happen!  Witches, bats, gypsies, vampires, genies.... She created just about every costume you could think of over the years.  My mom is a Christian, too!  But, she just really loves the holiday and all the spooky stories and movies.  She was raised in a time where Halloween was something that was all in fun.  It was safe to walk the streets at night and trick or treat everyone in your neighborhood and everyone just had fun with it.

So, for the last 10 years since having children, we've participated in Halloween activities.  They have always gotten to dress up, but it was always something cute.  We've done Eeyore, puppies, tigers, princesses, Wizard of Oz, etc.  We've attended the school and church carnivals and we always trick-or-treat a few people in town that we know and who enjoy seeing the kids dressed up.  And, although I was uncertain exactly how I should approach the holiday as a Christian, I've not felt like it interfered with our faith in any way... until this year.

This year my 10 year old wanted to be a witch.  I was just really uncomfortable about that.  But, I couldn't totally put my finger on why.  My mom was wanting to make her costume and was waiting on my decision about whether or not to allow her to dress as a witch.  Of course, Mom and I had a discussion about it and it was hard for me to express how I feel because I didn't want to make my mother feel like I thought her parenting was less than mine because she had always allowed us to dress up in ghoulish (never gross or gory!) costumes and she felt like it was all in fun and there was nothing wrong with it.  I couldn't find the true reason I was having issue with it.  I told my mom I didn't feel like it was going to interfere with my daughter's faith or walk with God, but it just seemed like a bad witness to other people.  However, I caved!  I let her dress as a witch and my son as a skeleton.  Even though I was still really unsettled about it.  I didn't want to them to wear their costumes to church carnivals and that got me!!  I said to myself: "I should not be letting my kids do anything or act in any way that I wouldn't if we are in church!"  Our lives should be led the same way regardless of what building we are in!  I realized that I for sure had made a mistake in bending on my principles and ignoring my convictions!  I decided to do some Halloween investigation!  I came across an article that Air 1 Radio had on their site and it really let me know what I needed to do. (Link to article: Halloween: Opression or Opportunity)

Halloween (it was not called Halloween then) started before Christ's birth as a pagan holiday in which people dressed as evil beings to trick the true demons.  They wanted to blend in with the demons and evil spirits they believed were walking the earth so that the demons would pass them over and not torment them.  This is DEFINITELY against our religion as Christians.  We believe we should be set apart from the evil of the world and be a light for all to see!  Many years later, after Christ, the Christian church decided to infiltrate this pagan holiday and make it about God.  They named it "All Hallow's Eve" (Which is where the word Halloween comes from.)  They made it about the fact that the only true protection we have from evil is Christ! 

This article gave me the history lesson I needed to tell me exactly how I feel about this holiday and how to explain my convictions.  When my daughter wanted to be a witch and my son a skeleton, I didn't like it, but I didn't have the explanation I needed to tell them "why."  Now I do!  So, even though they were dressed ghoulish this year, it will be the last year.  And, we had a discussion about it.  I told them that we should use Halloween to let everyone know that Jesus is our protection from evil and to celebrate the peace and protection we have from his resurrection.  I will allow my children to celebrate Halloween (or all Hallow's Eve) and they will be allowed to dress up as something cute or funny.  But, there will be no more evil spirits, ghouls, witches or hobgoblins at our house!  And, I think we'll make a tradition of talking about Jesus on that day and reading a verse about why we have nothing to fear in this world.  I have found a verse I really like:  
The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm. -Proverbs 19:23

And, now I know exactly where I stand and WHY!  Everyone has their own convictions.  For instance, the woman who raised me has a very different opinion that I!  And, we can't judge each other on that.  We just both have to accept that our choices are between our selves and God.  I know what God has said to ME on the subject, but I can't know what is truly in anyone else's heart!  So... I can with sound conscience say to you all:  HAPPY HALLOWEEN AND GOD BLESS!!!

Some mercy, please?

So, I have always been a very forgiving person. It just came easy to me; I usually can see past people's actions to their selves and let go of any hurt or resentment. However, the last couple of years have proven to be a little difficult for me in that area. There have been several instances involving people close to me in the last year or so that have caused me to harbor negative feelings towards people that I just can't seem to work past! I resolved myself to thinking it is okay to erase these people from my life to ''guard'' myself from further hurt. Even though my spirit was not quite at ease wth this notion, I told myself it is ok and I can forgive and move on and ''love them from afar.''

This week God has been throwing a message of forgiveness at me left and right. From devotionals to television broadcasts to facebook posts to magazine articles! I just read an article in my P31 Woman magazine and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks... I am the one in need of mercy!

I have been acting towards others out of my own pain! Two years ago October I lost my grandmother (Me-Ma). This happened in the midst of a court battle with my ex husband & his family whom I love dearly. (our relationships have since been restored, praise God!) I was going through a difficult third pregnancy, in and out of the hospital for months after that and on bed rest. While my adorable daughter is an awesome joy to me, my pregnancy caused much stress and tension within my marriage. Not to mention, one of my husband's closest friends passed away the day after she was born and he had his own pain he was soerting out. The next month, three months after Me-Ma's passing, my other grandmother passed away. The ensuing year involved a move, the decision to quit a job I loved, starting a business and a lot of financial strain. There were other battles I faced, too personal to blog about... Did I mention that I was in school full time through all this?

I'm not whining! Things could have been a LOT worse. It was just one of life's valleys. Now that we seem to be on the uphill climb, it's easier to see the dark place I was in. And, today God placed on my heart that he has never chosen to ''love me from afar.'' No matter my transgressions! So, who am I to place anyone out of my reach? Who am I to hold on to someone else's infractions? I realize that while I've been so focused on other people's mistakes and how they need my forgiveness, I should have been looking at my own heart! I have been acting out of pain and stress and fatigue. So, today I asked God to search MY heart and heal the pain that I've not taken the time to deal with and help me to soften towards those around me. I need to realize we are all only human, all with our own private struggles. And, I'm only going to get as much mercy as I give away!!!